I am writing to you today to inform you of the following items which will need to be noted by your Human Resources Department for my personal personnel file, in the event that you should hire me. Incidentally, I would also like to take this opportunity to let you know that I deeply regret the egregious actions taken by the attorney that I hired to sue you last week for not having given me the job that I had, thusly, applied for. It was never my intention for that charlatan to actually sue you. Really, I had just intended for him to scare you a little bit with the threat of a lawsuit. And I certainly never authorized the threats against your vehicles- wait, I think I did authorize those threats. Still, I am not responsible for the actions that I paid him to take on my behalf. I do hope that you will understand.
With that unpleasantness far behind us, I think it is now safe to say that I can most assuredly promise today and to all of you that I will never hire that attorney to sue you again. Because he is in jail, where I am assured that he will stay for many years, which means that what he did was probably really, extra, super bad, considering that he was sent to jail even though his father is the judge in this small town. Of course, you all know this already, seeing as how you were there at the hearing, too.
Ladies, Gentlemen, CECHSRPs, I give to you now, attached to this letter, the Afore-Mentioned List for My Personal Personnel Folder, entitled Things That I Am Scared or Afraid Of. Please note that I have taken the liberty of sending this list to you in the event that I need to sue you should I suffer any sort of psychological duress from any of the following sources as an employee at your fine firm.*** In which case, consider yourself fore-warned. Also, the wife* and I would be happy to have you over for supper this eve, if you are available.
I thank you and verily I remain,
Your Prospective Big Chicken
ATTCH: One (1) Typed, Unbound List - Things That I Am Scared or Afraid Of
***Please note that this list is by no means comprehensive.
THINGS THAT I AM SCARED OR AFRAID OF
1. Wallpaper
2. Petting zoos
3. People
4. Bears
5. Songbirds
6. Apple pie, or blue sky
7. Butterscotch candy wrappers
8. Pencil sharpeners
9. Pencil casings
10. Pencil shavings
11. Mention of the word 'pencil' or pencil-related items in radio, television, or film
12. Tests
13.
14. Death and Taxes (in that order)
15. Inlaws
16. Outlaws
17. By-laws
18. Rebels for a cause
19. Bee-kawz (I just made that word up, and it scares me already**)
20. Banned books
21. Canned-food cooks
22. Cyber-anything
23. Sunglasses
24. Chipmunks
25. Velcro
26. Paper cuts
27. Surgery
28. Friends
29. Enemies
30. Job interviews
31. Smelling bad
32. Chopping blocks
33. Strutting cocks
34. Boat docks
35. Mis-matched socks
36. Healthy food
37. Handsome dudes
38. Chicks that don't fly
39. People who cry
40. Whenever I lie
41. By-the-by and
42. My-oh-my
43. Lists
44. Mists
45. Cysts
46. Blist-ers
47. Sisters
48. Hurricanes and Twisters
49. Floods
50. Duds
51. Bubble-bath suds
52. Swamp mud
53. Flower buds
54. Dirty ol' crud
55. Sounds like 'THUD'
56. Foggy haze
57. High-school plays
58. Winter days
59. Games we plays
60. Downtown bars
61. Muscle cars
62. The moon and stars
63. Wounds and scars
64. Motorcycles
65. Friends named "Eyekul"
66. Words that don't rhyme with motorcycle
67. Lists of seedlings
68. Recommended readings
69. Anytime anybody comes to me needing
70. This or that and
71. Baseball hats
72. The color yellow
73. A robust fellow
74. Anyone mellow
75. Monster gel - oh!
76. Clip-on earrings
77. Tuna searings
78. Phalangeal anythings plus
79. Anything that gramma sings
80. Broken hearts
81. Games with darts
82. Sewing circles
83. Friends with burkles
84. Colors like purple
85. Muses
86. Fuses
87. Four times twos-es
88. Dedication
89. Perspiration
90. Soul vacation
91. Veneration
92. Celebrations
93. Equivocations
94. Lawsuits or even mediations
95. Complications
96. Remediations
97. Excruciating public humiliations
98. Deliberations and
99. Communication, but the thing that scares me most is
100. Love, 'cause every bird knows that that is one awful, terrible, horrible, rotten , smelly thing that I wish I had more of...Ladies....I am talkin' to you.
To that end, I must here-again remind you, Ladies, Gentlemen, and CECHSRPs, that if any of these conditions are found in my cubicle upon employment with your firm, that I will, indeed, sue your pants off. Even if I bring them in to work with me, which will serve you right because really, you should have instituted the mandatory search of my belongings that you suggested whenever I spoke with you before.
* I do not have an actual wife, but would be happy to hire a caterer as well as a nice lady friend who walks down the street to play the part of my wife, in the event that you should take me up on my generous offer of dinner.
**Mainly, it scares me because I didn't "make it up" totally by myself. It's sort of a modification of one that someone I know "made up." Perhaps they will never read this, although, since I did modify the word, I think that, technically, I win. Plus, they probably won't read this anyway. Or, even if they do, they probably aren't talking to me right now because of that one thing I said (haha, story of my life. Think I should be telling all this asterisk-ed stuff to a prospective employer?) So, anyhoo, coast is clear on the whole "rights to the made-up word" issue, and especially because who in their right mind actually reads terribly long and silly lists such as this one? I mean, seriously, if you read all of that, you might want to question just how much free time you have on your hands. Then call me, and tell me how you can afford to have so much free time on your hands and pay your bills, because I am just wingin' it here. (thx)
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