Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A Dream Come True

Guess what, Everyone?  You know how I had this dream to dress up in a large chicken suit and rollerskate around the country to try to get people to laugh and all of that stuff, and then I wrote this blog, and started a Facebook page, and a Twitter account and started making very, very, very witty jokes and quips and so forth and then started asking people for money to fund my endeavor?  (Actually, I think I started asking for money before I started the blog...)  Anyway, well, guess what?!!!

I subcontracted it out! 

Yeah, my assistant, (who should probably be an employee, according to the IRS regulations about determining whether a person who does work is a 1099 contractor or really an employee of the firm) has agreed to go do this for me!

I am just totally psyched out about this.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy it makes me to have a dream come true like this, and the best part is is that I won't even have to do the work!  How about them apples, huh?  I actually got some schmoe, I mean, my "lovely" assistant to go do it for me.  What a sucker!  I mean, what a dedicated, loyal employee, I mean contractor (did you get that, IRS?  I'm talking to you, yeah, you, with your big fancy offices and your absolute power to instill fear in the hearts of all of the good, hard-working people who have to pay taxes every year so that fat-cat bureaucrats can do things like build roads, and support public education programs, and maintain diplomatic relationships with foreign countries, and, uh, hmmmm, where was I going with this?  No matter, moving on...)

I'll keep you posted, but I just have to say that, in regards to the chicken suit...better her than me.

Your egg-static,

Monday, May 27, 2013

Helping People

It was brought to my attention sometime back that perhaps I should spend more time helping people.  I guess that must have been five, maybe six, no, probably seven or eight years ago by now.  Anyway, the time frame doesn't matter as much as the fact that I am finally considering doing that.  I mean, one of the things that I did notice was that it seemed like the guys who helped people got the chicks.  Not saying that I wouldn't help people out otherwise (I think my track record speaks for itself on this one), just that it seems like having pretty girls fawn all over me and tell me how sweet and nice I am for helping other people could be a big bonus.  Actually, that one thing alone could make all of this helping people crap actually worthwhile.  You know, I'm beginning to see now why people become philanderers, I mean, philanthropists...because it pays.

So, although I used to think that spending my precious time helping other people was a major waste of time, I think I've had a change of heart.  (Please feel free to broadcast this heartfelt message to any and all of the cute, attractive, young college-aged ladies that you know.)

Your Newly Philanthropic (unless it means giving actual money),*

*I mean it.