Sunday, June 17, 2012

Another Open Letter to Kookaburra Birds

Dear Kookaburra,

You don't scare me none with all of your threats, or your demands, or your questions about girls I am with that I will refuse to answer (like you posted in this comment here  I've dealt with bigger fish that you, girl, and I'm prepared to stand up for my rights as a man and set an example for all the downtrodden suckers who've been taken for rides by gold-diggin' avian tarts like you since before my dear sweet mom ever laid the egg that would hatch into me because I am a winner!  I'm not a loser, K, I'm a winner.*

Just remember one thing when you're crying your eyeballs out because of me, remember how bad my breath was that one time that you had to tell me to brush my teeth.  NO, WAIT! Don't remember that, and please also don't tell anybody.  Hmmm, let me think.  What about that one time that I had the booger hanging and you had to tell me to get a tissue before we went to that one party, would that be a good thing to remember?  No, maybe not.  Oh, I know!  Remember this, Kookaburra, and remember this good....

I put the "k" in chicken. 


* I just don't understand why I feel the need to try to convince you of that, it's almost like I care what you think about me.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

An Open Letter to Kookaburras

An Open Letter to All of the Kookaburra Birds Who Hang Around zbigchicken and Bother Him With Incessant Chirping and Comments and Big Hulking Scary Boyfriends and So Forth


Dear All Kookaburra Birds Who Skulk Around zbigchicken’s Website, or Blog, Rather, and Post Insensitive and Unfounded Comments To and About Him (here He Is Recovering in the Hospital From Ambushes in Local Pizza Parlour Parking Lots, et al.:
You kingfishers are known to be a contemptuous breed, true, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and decided to date your mother whilst seeing you just to prove to the world that you’re not all bad after all, and this is the thanks that I get.  You pull my head off.  I know you said that your boyfriend did it, and maybe everyone believes you even though you have been violent in the past because goodness knows the chicks are the sweeter, kinder, gentler gender, right?  Rrrrrrrright.  So, thanks, Kookaburra bird, thanks.  I just cannot tell you how much your attention to detail means to me.  I mean, after all, you not only got your big, beefy, brawny, brainless (I don’t care how many scholarships he was awarded in the 8th grade, he’s still a loser, and he really lacks ambition, so why don’t you just tell him to go park his Mercedes in someone else’s garage for a while and come get into my Pinto, girl?  Can’t you see that I miss you?) boyfriend to try to punch me in front of my friend Shirley, but then you have the gall to blame him for something you did yourself.  You got some nerve, girl.  I mean that.  And besides, you’re getting’ on my last one, and don’t make me have to go get my chakras balanced again because you know every time I do that I end up being all nice and balanced and it really makes me feel…uncomfortable, to say the least.  So, uh, you comin’ home tonight?  I’ll even kick your Mom out if you do.

Z’two-timin’ shick-awn