Friday, May 27, 2011

Relationally Savvy or Just Depraved - You Decide

Allo Everyone,

Today I am pretending that I have a very sexy British accent.  Too bad this column is typed, as none of the chicks in my cyber-fanclub can hear me, but boy, do I sound good.  Can't type it phonetically, either.  Ah, well.

Hm, let's cut to the chase, shall we?  After all, you came here for advice, didn't you?  Well....didn't you?

You didn't?  Well then, why are you here?

Because I am dashing and sexy?  Oh, heyyyyy, that's pretty nice.  Tell you what, Reader, since you seem to have a bit of a thing for me, I'm just gonna respond to this one letter real quick-like, and then maybe you and me can go get us some grub, I mean grubs, down at the local ice-cream stand.

You don't like cherry-vanilla-grub ice cream?  Why not?!!!  Oh, because you prefer the roasted garlic and grub?  Fair enough.  I just hope they have the corn-cones this time, as the Plain-Jane Chocolate-Coated Grub-Waffle Cones seemed to be getting a bit stale the last time I stopped in there.

Dear zbigchicken,

I am worried about my friend.  She is a nice enough person, but she likes to pick her nose in public.  Now, about my problem.  I have this other "friend," and he's a guy, and I would really like to go out with him, but he's a big-time, column-writin' creature with wings, a bill, claws, and a gizzard, who likes to roller-skate, and I'm just not sure how to approach him.  What do you think I should do to let him have a clue that I'm interested?

Theresa J. Sinclair St. Croix-Felipe Cho Duggenart Swaynie Josimpson

Hey Theresa!

Whassup?!!!  Hey, long time no see, girl!  How you been?  How's your Momma?  Your sisters doing okay?  How about that really cute one?  Is she doing pretty good?  You should tell her to call me sometime.  I saw her a few months back.  She was looking really good!  Even after having those three kids.  She still with that guy?  Did you ever wonder what she saw in him?  I mean, she is a total hottie, and he's such a loser!  Hey, are you still picking your nose in public?

You should call me sometime!  We could have lunch.  Oh, and hey.....bring your sister!

Z' callous,

Friday, May 20, 2011

Is "Savvy" Like Gravy, For Smart People?

Today, rather than sort through all of the piles of letters from peeps asking for my advice on a wide variety of serious and important issues, I've decided to revert to one of my favorite activities: giving unsolicited advice.  How do I do that?  Easy.  First, I think of problems facing our world and all of the people in it.  Then, I tell other people what they need to do to fix their stupid lives.  Finally, I go check out the chicks at the local roller rink.

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?  Nothing whatsoever.  Now, without further ado, I shall bestow upon ye all one tasty little bit of some of the smartest wisdom in all the land, and that is this: do not click on those little "questions to be answered" links that people send you in that one social networking platform. 

No, wait, that was good advice.  What am I thinking?!!!

Just a moment, please, I need to have a word with myself.

(Okay, chicken, get it together, get it together, get it together.  YOU CAN DO THIS, ZBC, YOU CAN GET BACK IN THE GAME!)

Right, then, here's the do-over.

Ladies and gentlemen, lowbrows and scholars, I have here today some really bad advice for you.  But don't take my word for it.  Heavens no!  Go out and try this stuff at home, so you can start to see how very effective it really is.

Today's advice involves relationships with people purporting to be friends.  Specifically, that advice is to never, ever, ever let 'em hear you say you're sorry, 'cause that just puts you on the defensive from now until eternity.

You are so very welcome.

Thanks for stopping by.
Your "relationally savvy" chicken

Friday, May 13, 2011

Fowl Advice

Hello Everyone.

Today's letter comes from a dude who's scared to be rude.

Dear ZBC,

My girlfriend's friend has been hitting on me. I used to just ignore it, but ever since she got the breast implants, I have found her to be absolutely irresistible. I don't want any trouble with my girlfriend, but I am becoming more irritated by her constant hounding of me. It's like she's watching my every move whenever her friend is around, and boy does she have an eagle eye!

Anyway, I guess what my question is, is how do I enjoy her friends'* tatas without seeming rude to my girlfriend?

Breast Out Or Breasts In, Eh?

*I meant that to be plural possessive, as her other friends have tatas, too. I just wrote about this friend because she has the NEWEST tatas, which makes them a little better than the others, at least in my book.

Dear Boobie,

First of all, I just want to say that I think your girlfriend is wrong for keeping an eagle eye on you. Next, I would like to thoroughly chastise you for looking at her friend's (or friends', for that matter) breasts and allowing her to notice. Don't you know that you're breaking the cardinal (note the bird reference) rule here? The unspoken, inviolable uh, rule that we guys share about surreptitious boobie sweeps? Boobie sweeps being specifically that you should check out every pair of breasts that come into your life without ever, ever, EVER letting your girlfriend catch you (unless she's into that, but here's where you've got to be especially careful, because some gals will trick you with the old "sure, I'm okay with you checking out other women, as long as you don't mind me scanning the horizons and so forth" which is just a lie they are frontin' with so you'll let down your guard and enjoy yourself some la-humps, and then BAM! she hits you with the, well, you know....the LOOK), else you just make life harder for men everywhere, because when one girlfriend complains about that stuff, then every one of their friends will go home and take it out on their man.

So, man up and do it without getting caught, ya nimrod.

Stereo-typin', broad-generalization makin', Chicken

If you have a relationship question that you want answered, send it on over to z'chicken at zbigchicken at gmail dot com .

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Help Fund Z'Film Development!

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to the Continuing Saga of Z'biggest, Fowlest Chicken on the Internet!

Today's reminder is for those peeps who would like to:

* help fund the development of the film (first draft was completed in early March, and now that school is almost out, I will work on revisions and the final draft)

* support the musician who has donated time and talents to work on the soundtrack for the film, the artist who designed one of the chicken costumes, the design consultant who is itching to get her hands on the set, the actress-slash-creative consultant whose ideas are funnier than mine, the folks I forgot to mention (just make a note in the "Lay it on Me" section at checkout to earmark funds) or

* donate to the continuing blog saga of this outrageous fellow that only a mother could love.

That's right, only my mother... or a bunch of people with warped senses of humor, like all of you! That's right, all of you who keep coming back to the "peep" show can support the hilarious writing, intentionally poor grammar, and subsequent Evolution of Chicken.

So donate now! Any amount will do and THANK YOU for your continued support!

Z'"my hat is out on the curb for your reading enjoyment until I get this thing syndicated" Chicken

PS-It's EASY - see the Paypal section below.

PPS-If you want to buy into the film, AKA buy a piece of the chicken pot pie,or work on this in some way, rather than or in addition to donating, let me know at zbigchicken at gmail dot com. Me and my cronies would love to hear from you!

(Donations are not tax deductible.)

The Egg Carton
Lay It On Me