Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Odyssey Storytelling Event - Tucson, Arizona

Welcome to peeps from Slovenia and Greece!  Thanks for stopping by my blog.  Hope you come back to grab some more corny humor real soon.

This Just In -  My ex is going to be a storyteller next week, and I need you all to show up and make sure that she only says nice things about me.  Or, if she does end up telling the truth, that you convince any cute chicks in the audience later that all she said was a bunch of lies, lies, lies.  Thanks.  Will I be there?  No way!  Why?  Well, there's the restraining order, for one.  Then, I still owe her and her mom some money, so that's two.  Oh, and I think she said once that if she ever saw me again she would pluck out all of my tail feathers.  Doesn't sound pleasant, so I'm not risking it.  She is such a brute!  A real bear.  Sort of like that one bear that won't give me any money to pursue my dream, and if you don't know what I mean by that, see the following:

The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken, featuring Two Small Bears, followed by An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska, which is Part One-A of a Series

The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken

An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska

So, once you've done all of that and hopefully laughed a good one and then written up a full report and sent it on over to me at
zbigchicken at gmail dot com ,
then, mark your calendars for the Odyssey Storytelling Event, where you can stand up for my rights against my evil, nefarious ex.

Verily, I thank thee.

Your Big Indignant Chicken

My Ex is telling a story and I would love to have you in the audience ~
ODYSSEY STORYTELLING brings together an eclectic collection of storytellers for entertainment and inspiration.
Thursday, Nov 4, 2010 at 7 PM (doors open at 6:30)
CLUB CONGRESS, 311 E. Congress
Tickets $7 at the door
To be sure to get a reserved seat buy your tickets online:  
for more info visit

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Getcher Big Chicken Film Clips - Right Here!

(For those of you who don't like to read words, the links to the films are down a little ways.  yer pal, zbc)

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to the Blog that Everyone is Talking about, Worldwide - the Big Chicken Radio-Promisin', Undeliverin', zbigchicken.  Great News for You Today!

Tonight (depending on your timezone, or, through the miracle of time travel, whatever time it happens to be when you visit this blog and happen upon this particular post) we have for you the next in a series (nevermind that it's labeled One-A, we're still going to call it the next in a series, because there was another fabulous film clip already done, but I'm getting ahead of myself here) the next in a series of First Ever Film Clips for Chicken, featuring two small bears as "The Chickens."  We're not sure how the bears feel about that, but perhaps some insight can be shed upon this scene as we take you now to the set.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the zany shows.  Should take you about ten minutes to watch all of it, so don't get too comfortable.  Just comfortable enough. You probably won't want to invest the time in popping up any corn for this one, though, because cumulatively, the time invested here is going to be pretty short, but that's to your favor, really, because then, after, it'll give you time to forward the links on to all of your friends, even the really busy ones, because then they can laugh at this funny stuff, too, and then later, say, over the course of the next few weeks, you guys can all laugh about what you've seen here and say things like, "Oh, yeah, remember that one part when the Big Chicken was trying to get money from the town of Chicken, Alaska, but then that one bear wouldn't give it to him?  That was so funny.  That Big Chicken.  He is such a goofball.  But a real ladies' man.  How does he do that?  I wish he could teach me."

Oh, hey, you know what I just thought of that would be a great idea and a perfect way for me to earn some extra income?  I could make a television series for you that I play online that could show you all how to be a real ladies' man.  In the meantime, here are some links to videos on Xtranormal that my associate and I have prepared for all of you.

Thank you.
Your Directorially Debuting

So, here it is everyone!  For your viewing pleasure.  The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken, featuring Two Small Bears, followed by An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska, which is Part One-A of a Series!

The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken

An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska

Friday, October 22, 2010

Oh, For the Love of Bug Already

I wonder where that other Big Chicken got his costume?  He's probably going to be a little jealous when he sees mine.

Hey, Other Big Chicken, could you come here a minute?  Listen, I know you've had your costume for a while (how long have you been wearing that thing?  Because you're pretty ripe.  Hey, nothing personal!  Your pheromones just evidently aren't my type, is all.  Plus, I still cannot tell your gender.  A little help, please?), and you're probably pretty attached to it and all, but I just wanna give you a heads-up here that my costume is going to so blow yours out of the water.  You know why?  Because my costume designer is creative!  (And cute.)  And plus, I think she knows karate, SO DON'T MESS WITH HER!  Oh, yeah, and one other thing - I love her.  Don't tell her I said that, though, because I'm trying to play mind games with her by acting like I'm not interested in her at all.  Which reminds me, Other Big Chicken (or, can I call you OBC for short?  Not trying to be presumptuous or anything, just stating my preference in the form of a question - tryin' to getcha to like me.), if you really don't like it that those ladies in your office are asking you out (what is your problem?), I just want to stress here that it's totally okay for you to give them my url ( and my email (zbigchicken at gmail dot com). 

What do you mean, what would the costume designer I purportedly profess to love think about my soliciting what would probably be saucy contact from the peeps in your office?  That's none of your beeswax! (wax is non-polar, and therefore not only insoluble but also hydrophobic, meaning that it doesn't "like" water*+* - AHHHHH!  Oh, No!  It's biology again, creeping back into my consciousness.   "Biology - the real silent killer," as far as I'm concerned.  And for those of you who have no idea what I'm referring to here, I am taking an introductory biology course, and yes, this is what happens when your mind explodes.  You get this - stream of consciousness oozing from the, oh, man, I was about to say the Crack in the Cosmic Egg, but I just remembered that that was the title of a book I saw years ago.  Has anyone read that book?  Could you tell me what it's about?  Also, if you're willing to do that for me, could you also then please DO THAT FREAKING HOMEWORK THAT I KEEP TRYING TO ASK YOU ABOUT?)

Oh, and one more thing.  Have you ever seen a reigning chess queen who is also a model? Boom, chicka chicka, is what I'm saying.  Only problem is, she's obviously smarter than I am, which presents a real problem as far as certain things go.  Namely, the costume designer I profess to love coupled with the ladies from that one peep's office.  Oh, hey, Other Big Chicken, you still here?  Good.  Listen, what would you think about maybe hooking me up with one of those chicks in your office?  We could make it a double date.  Whaddaya say?

Your Primary Card-Holding Big Awesome Chicken

*+*Water is a polar molecule, meaning that it has a charge, and that is from the electrons in the outermost shell spending most of their time near the stronger positive charge of the oxygen atom as opposed to the weaker positive charge of the hydrogen atoms (of which, there are two) which is due to there being more protons in the atomic nucleus of the AHHHHHHHHHHH!  STOP!!!! STOP!!!!! DEAR BUG, FOR THE LOVE OF CLARITY, MISINFORMATION, AND PARADIGMS - MAKE IT STOPPPPPPPPPP.

Oh, and This Just In:

Pageviews by Operating Systems yesterday were up by 3 with the addition of iPhone and Blackberry.  I had no idea that they were operating systems, so there it happens, once again, I do my best to try not to learn anything on this, my day off, and it's ruined.  Totally ruined.  Well, look on the bright side.  At least it's only an assumption.  I mean, it's not like I actually went out and looked it up and researched it or anything, oh, heavens no! 

One more thing, didja notice that I said "up by 3," but then only mentioned two?  This is why I asked the accountant person who posted the comment on yesterday's blog post to do my, I mean, to help me with my math homework.  The accountant person who is also purported to be a Big Chicken.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Got Me One O'Them Day Jobs

(Shoulda been the title for yesterday's post, but, moving on....)

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to Big Chicken Programming - The Only Radio Show We've Ever Promised to You Yet Without Delivering.

Today's show starts out with a big "Welcome!" to all of the new peeps visiting this blog today from Australia, Brazil, Hong Kong, Portugal and Turkey!  Glad you're all here with me near the finish line of the First Annual Southeastern-most-ish but Mostly Southern Migration of Yours Truly.  This Big Chicken, while enjoying the cyber-travels that can easily carry him from port to port information-wise, also greatly looks forward to the day when he can begin his worldwide migration, although technically he (that would be me, but I love the smack of royalty that third person referrals give, and I think I mentioned that before, but nobody has yet prostrated before me, so I figured you all just forgot.  It's okay if you did, I won't hold that against you.  This time.  Just please try to be a little more thoughtful where I'm concerned in the future, because you know how sensitive I am.  That's right, Ladies, I am sensitive.**   I am one sensitive dude, who really cares about your thoughts and feelings and cup-size.  Mainly your cup-size, and not your thoughts and feelings.  But I care, and I care greatly.  Heyyyyy, speaking of which - what is your cup-size?  Mine is a 12-ounce.  I was talking about coffee cups!  What were you thinking about?) did travel through Canadian waters during his recent trip, or south-bound excursion, rather.

That's right, everyone, Canadian waters.  Waters known to be cold and filled with interesting creatures such as dolphins and whales.  Many, many types of  whales.  Whales which scare your big fancy chicken because they are so very big.  And plus, they are able to survive in cold water.  How do they do that?  Perhaps it has something to do with lipids, a thought that crosses this chicken's mind due to an interesting introductory course in biology that he is now taking, which is why he has recently begun using words like covalent and speaking of polarity and so forth.  It's really very interesting to think that some people out there actually understand this stuff, rather than just memorizing some words related to processes.  What does this last bit have to do with the whales in Canadian waters?  We don't know, but we continue to bring this to you, ladies and gentlemen, because we do care.** 

This is your big educated chicken, saying, "Get a job!"  Just kidding!  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  So, this is your big ensconced chicken, saying, "Come on by and sit a spell.  You tell me about your ma and pa, and I'll tell you a yarn about a whale."  Speaking of yarn, there's a lady I saw who was making some with a spinning wheel The kind of yarn I was talking about, though, in regards to the whale (remember?) was a story.  Not a line of twisted fibers used to build fabrics and so forth, much like the amino acid sequences that form proteins and, ahhhhhhh!  Oh, no!  The biology class is seeping in!  Permeating my consciousness with all its devilry.  Back, ye fowl demons of science!  Back with ye to the primordial ooze from whence ye sprang.

Spastic Chicken

**This is a straight-up lie I use to get the chicks.

PS-Just so you know - Pageviews by Operating Systems today were down to one.  That one - was Windows.  So, let's give a hand, Everyone, to the Only Operating System to Access This Blog Yet Today!  And if you are a Linux user or a big Mac daddy who wants to get in on today's game, then bring it on, my fair feathered friend.  'Cause I'll race ya.

PPS-Hey, anybody who wants a piece of me can tell me so one of two ways, or both. 
1. Post a comment on my blog.  Choose anonymous if you wish, and if you don't want it published, just say so.
2. Send me an email at zbigchicken at gmail dot com .  Love, Your Big Chicken

PPS-Could someone do my homework for me, please?*-  I'm trying to make a show here.  Thanks.

*-Just kidding.  I know I'm supposed to do that myself, and I would never ever ever seriously consider having someone else do my work for me.  Ever. 

PPPS-Could someone clarify what I might mean by the word "ever," please?  Thanks.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Big Chicken Theme Music

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back Once Again to Big Chicken Radio, where your great big chicken skate movie endeavor is growing exponentially. Wow, just heard the Big Chicken Theme music and am really excited.  As some friends of the chicken said, "That sounds like a big chicken on skates!"  Hahaha, those friends are really something.  Else.  Entirely.***  It is great to hear what the composer has been up to, and get to have first crack at the listening pleasure of these really happenin' tunes.  Plus, it's just really exciting to see this whole chicken skate thing rolling right along.  It's inspiring to see what the people involved in this are doing.  Helps keep me smiling even when I'm freaking out a little bit at my day job. 

Yes, that's right, Ladies and Wheat Germs, your big fancy chicken has himself a day job, and it isn't the rewarding kind, either - unless, of course, you count the money.  Which always helps.  Actually, I'm lying to you again.  There it was - lie!  That was a lie.  Because my day job is very rewarding, and I love it and am happy to do it and I always have a great attitude at work.  Lie!  That was another lie.  Doing it again.  (Gotta call myself out on that stuff or it develops into a pattern.**)

So, while I'm at "work," I like to think of things that will annoy some people, and things that will attract others, but do you know what?  I seem to be using those techniques on the wrong peeps, for example, annoying the people I want to attract, and attracting the people I want to annoy.  Why does this stuff happen?  Pheromones, I bet.  Those little, seemingly innocuous chemicals are responsible for so many things. Perhaps one of these days, you and I and all the wonderful visitors to this, my chicken coop in cyber-space, can learn more about chemical reactions in the body.  So stick around, and keep coming back,*+ and thanks for being here.  Over and out.

Your Magnanimous, Logarithmic*,

***Would have to be, of course, seeing as how they are my friends.

*Could someone explain logarithms to me, please?   I have been wanting to use that word for ages, but have purposely avoided learning what it really is because, frankly, any term that sounds even close to rhythm scares me.  Yeah, you remember that funky chicken?  I am not him, nor am I affiliated.  Even though I did sign a post here on my blog once with something like, "Your Big Funky Chicken."  But that doesn't mean anything.  That was just a group of words, and we all know how meaningless those can be. 

Speaking of which, have you ever said a word so many times that it lost all meaning?  That's sort of like meditation, right?  Here, let's try this - together:
words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words okay, there it was, right there.  That last time I wrote it (typed, rather), it lost meaning.  Not in a depressing way!  Just in an interesting sort of a "change in perception that could lead to an alternate reality" way.

*+So I can keep lying to you and promising things that I don't deliver.  But then, also, deliver some things to you that I never promised.   Which just makes things so much more interesting overall. 

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Time Zones and Singles Ads

Good morning everyone in my same time zone!  Afternoon and evening to all the rest.  How are you all today? Well, I hope, and the same for your families and friends and business associates.  Exciting news from your Big Handsome Chicken - TODAY WE GOT SOME VISITORS TO THE BLOG FROM MEXICO, ITALY, AND MALAYSIA!  That is so awesome!  Listen, all the rest of you are pretty darn cool, too, so don't think for a minute that I'm forgetting about you, because I know it's become important for you now to know that your big hunky chicken is thinking of you in all sorts of nice ways.

Before we get started with today's program, my assistant** asked me to remind you about something------->(Getcher Cyber-Chicken Theater Tickets, this-a-ways  They help support me in my work here, which is bringing fun stuff to you.  Thank you.)

Hey, so would any of you be interested in a book authored by your big fancy chicken?  Because I would gladly say that I would do that for you,*+ especially if it would make you like me more, because honestly, and I know I've mentioned this once already, I am really craving some attention these days.  In fact, I'm thinking about posting an online singles ad, because those "friends" of mine just aren't cutting it when it comes to telling me how wonderful I am and how much they love me and all of that.

So, how about this?

Big Hunky, Charismatic, Scientifically-Oriented, Non-GMO Chicken Seeks Opportunity to Form a Covalent Bond.

Stability preferred, but not required.

Some electron sharing.

Polarity a real + + +

About me:  Hi Ladies!  I am a big, hunky, smart, kind, generous, loving, married chicken looking for a LTR with a real sweety who has a heart of gold encased in a massive chest cavity, with plenty of cushion.  Must be kind, loving, tolerant, and slow to anger, with the patience of a, oh, how shall I say this?  A saint.  Needs own car, and moderate to great income.  Please send chest measurements, photos of self and car, and bank statements.  Please also do not white out the bank account numerical sequence on those statements, as there will be a credit check involved in the process.  Oh, and I will be needing your primary identification number as well.

About you:  Again, you need to be smart, kind, loving, and tolerant, with the patience of a saint, the body of a model, a real good-looking car, and plenty of dough.  You must also be willing to share all that you have with me, and to trust me.  I really can't stress that last one enough, as I seem to have had a string of suspicious chicks here of late, and I'm really tired of the headache.  So don't be bringing your crazy around me, 'cause right now, I just can't tolerate it.  Again, you need to be tolerant of me.  And loving and kind.  Plus, you need to do a real good job washing dishes.

"**I think we all know who the real assistant is here,"

*+Did anyone notice that I said I would gladly "say" that I would do that for you?  I didn't say that I would do it, but if we were just having a conversation about this, and it wasn't a printed document, you might leave the interaction with the understanding that I was actually going to do what I said.  And, technically, I am doing what I say, because alls I'm saying is that I will say that I am going to do something.  Which is the truth, but the beauty of this methodology is that it is so like a lie.  Almost...akin to one.  But then, later, when you're mad at me, I can turn right back around and say, "No, I never said I was going to do that.  Why did you think I was going to do that?  You need to listen better.  You've got poor listening skills.  That's gonna be a real impediment if you don't learn how to do that better.  Next time, you need to listen to me."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Responsibility is my Brother's Middle Name, Not Mine

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back Once Again to Big Chicken Radio: the Only Radio Program Brought to You Totally in Print.

This week, on zbigchicken:

Pigs on wheels, flying mammals, Big Chicken Radio (yeah, right, how many times have I heard that one before?  Hey, you don't have to be mean about it.  Okay, alright, enough, already.) bugs, and more insanity - all comin' atcha.  Right here, on the Big Chicken Broadcasting Network.

Hey, remember the other day when I was showing off about having more than one computer monitor?  And how I made a big deal out of it, because it is only like the coolest thing ever?  (Next to me.)  Well, ever since that day, one of the monitors hasn't been working.  Coincidence?  I think not.  No, Viewer, I, a slighted chicken, am here to say before all of you now, that I believe that this is the result of some fowl plan to foil my show and bring about my ultimate demise.  And I bet I know who's behind it and I bet it's that one baby momma who found me once again here on this blog.

(Reminds me, I may need to change this address again soon.  Why?  No reason.  Really.  Okay, fine, one word - garnish.  No, not as in food.  As in wages.  I can't very well let her find out where I'm working again.  Because you know what that would mean.  That I would have to pay money to support all those kids I've been having.  And I am not about to do that.  Are you crazy?  Why should I?  I mean, "What have those kids ever done for me?" is all I'm saying.)

Anyhow, now she's posting comments alleging "performance problems."  ( you can read her scathing comments at the bottom of this post here

Let me just be the first to say, Reader, that this is nowhere near the actual truth of the matter.  True, I did give up my long-held dream to be a hill-billy hobo fighter pilot, but it was for her that I did that.  And you would have, too, if you could've seen the miracle of those genetically-modified...thingies.  Everything I did, I did for her.  I gave her all those babies.  I gave up my dream for her.  I went to the store to get her smokes, even though I don't ever have those myself anymore, and even though technically I never got them and brought them back because I just blew out of town because of all those kids and plus I was tired of the all the racket, but anyhow, the idea that I had to go to the store - hey, wait a minute.  I just realized something.  I'm explaining myself here.  And do you know what?  I don't have to.  This is my blog, and I can shirk my familial responsibilities here if I want to.  You know why?  Because this is my man cave, girl, so don't mess with me here again.  I mean it this time.  Don't make me get a restraining order against you, because I will do it.

Your Big Convoluted Chicken-Meister

Friday, October 15, 2010

Big Chicken Radio - World Premier!

Here is the radio show you've been promised for weeks!  The First Ever Edition of Big Chicken Radio - the "Best of Big Chicken."  Stalking, alligator chewing methodologies, and potential hopeless trains of thought - all this and more (or just this) tonight, on the Biggest Chicken Radio News Program Ever.  Also, The First. (big chicken radio program ever.  remember?)

Raw.  Uncut.  Chicken radio.

Where is it?

Crap, I can't upload the file.  I may need to attach it to some video to make it work.

UPDATE!  Nope.  Not yet.  Doggone it.  I was really hoping to have that for you today.  Oh well.  Listen, I have to go.  I have an acupuncture appointment** and then I am going to check out some warehouse space for to practice skating in costume and for film-making purposes, so today I am one psyched chicken, man.  Dig.  I mean, scratch.

The first ever edition of Big Chicken Radio!  Right here, right now.  That's right, folks, getcher raw, uncut chicken.  Right here.  Gah, I am so looking forward to saying that and really meaning it this time.

Oh, hey, while you're waiting for the premier of Big Chicken Radio, which could also be Chicken Public Radio, as I like to call it, or CPR, for short, you can help me block my baby momma by first reading her comments here and then helping me to file a restraining order by emailing me here.  Hey, I wonder if that lawyer who threatened me the other day with my restraining order could help me file one against my baby momma.  Why?  'Cause I don't wanna be paying child support for all those kids.  Are you kidding me?  That's a lot!  Talk about a baker's dozen.  Man.

This is Your Over-Populatin' Chicken, here to say, "How you doin'?"  Chickie chickie bow wowwwwww

**I am not scared of those needles, I am not scared of those needles, I am not scared of those needles, Gaaaa!  Get away from me with those!  Listen, could we just do Shiatsu today?  Please, please, I'll do anything.  I'm not scared.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

If You Can't Stop - Wave!

Active hunters.  That was the term I was trying to think of yesterday.  Could someone let my editor know that please?  Thanks.

You may also have noticed in that post from yesterday that I made reference to your looking for jumping spiders while you are in your office.  There was a reason for that.  Namely because, well, do you remember that one time when I said that I had made the decision, after long and thoughtful consideration, to get the Google Blogger Stats Overview Page tattooed (in miniature) on my forehead?  Well, it's because I hover there sometimes.  Just watching the traffic go by.  Occasionally checking out the sunset (it was especially colorful yesterday), or waving when the neighbors go by.  I'm thinking of putting in a porch swing.  Anyhow, what I've found is that you guys don't generally stop by on the weekends.

Which means you're probably reading this at work.  So then my next question (even though the prior sentence was in fact a statement) is, what do you do for a living that you can be reading my long-winded, though terribly funny, blog posts all day at work?  Because I would be up for training for that job.

Speaking of the Google Blogger Stats Overview Page; a brief visit there this morning revealed a visitor from China!  So, Welcome to the Biggest, Most Chicken-y Blog On the Planet...Ever!  I can't remember offhand if China has been a visitor before, and I'm too lazy to use the handy little search box at the top (which is really helpful, btw), so I'm just going to say "welcome!" again, because it never hurts to repeat nice things anyway.  

Swingin' Chicken

One more thing, the next time you're in my neighborhood, remember: if you can't stop - wave.

PS-There is a tiny spider hanging in front of one of my monitors.  That's right, folks, you heard me right - "one" of my monitors.**  You know why I'm showing off and telling you that?   Because I am so very cool.  Got me some command central happening, right here.  Now do you see why the chicks all dig me?  Because of my crazy, mad, computing skills.  Well, not skills so much as equipment.  Which isn't really mine.  But I get to use it.  For now.

**The computer screen kind, not the lizard kind.  I don't keep Nile monitor lizards in my office.  Or any other type of monitor lizard, for that matter.  We get a horned lizard*-, or a gecko, upon occasion, but so far, no monitors.  They aren't generally seen in these parts.  Not saying they aren't here (because it's pretty amazing what kinds of animals people drop off out in the wild when they're tired of caring for them), just that they aren't generally seen here, is all.

*-I called this one a horned lizard because I'm trying to keep this all professional here, but truly I am a fan of another name they're known by, which is the horny toad. wiki wiki wiki wiki ----->

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Politicians, Arachnids, and Paper Napkins - The Plot Thickens

I'd like to do a stolen paper napkin series about bugs, but I think that the restaurants where I get these great napkins from may not appreciate the possible connections between their establishments and the insect world.  Most places I know of would rather have poison sprayed on a regular basis than have interesting-looking six-legged creatures milling about.  I'm not trying to be critical of the overuse of carcinogenic chemicals in eating establishments, because I know what it's like to deal with bugs, what with that one black widow infestation I lived with at that one house.  Although, technically, black widows are not considered to be true bugs, by anyone who gives a ham.  Rather, they are arachnids.

Hey, you guys wanna learn neat stuff about spiders?  Well go conduct some research or something.  But, if you want some misinformation, then I'm your man, baby.  Okay, all off memory here, because remember how reliable mine is?  Hahaha, I know.  This should be fun.  In fact, let's make it a game, shall we?  After all, I'm not dating anyone!**  So, Big Chicken's Contest for the Day is this - Whoever Spots the Misinformation First, or the First Bit of Misinformation, Wins!  (And all of the words leading up to this, anywhere else in this blog, count.  No, wait, they don't count.  Nevermind.)  So, let's begin.

Tarantulas are large-ish spiders that have urticating hairs. Couple of questions raised by that statement, I'm sure, so let me clear that up for you now without doing a stitch of verification.  After all, this is "fiction," and we all know what that means.  So, yes, spiders do have hairs.  We mammalian birds are not the only ones with hairs; itty bitty*- spiders have them too.  And tarantulas, at least the ones that dwell in the Sonoran Desert Region of the Southwestern United States, can shoot those hairs out if they need to.  Why would they do that?  Why, to survive, of course!  Because for all their bad rap***, and sophisticated classifications, as it turns out, they are simply another possible tasty food source for other creatures.  Some people eat spiders.  Some birds eat spiders.  (Given those two "facts," my chances of eating spiders seem to be pretty high up there.  I suppose that, with the proper seasoning, they'd probably be as good as any other protein source.)  So they shoot these little irritating hairs out in self-defense. 

I'm wandering.

Okay, more "facts."  You know how spiders have eight eyes?  Guess what?  No, you gotta guess.  No, I'm not gonna just tell you.  Why?  Because I like it when you squirm.  Ha, look at you.  Fidgeting.  You want to know this so bad.  Don't you?  Don't you?  Hey, where are you going?  Don't you want to play this game?  Fine.  I'll play it by myself.

So, you know how spiders have eight eyes?  Well, guess what?  Not all spiders have eight eyes.  Some of them have six, some have four, and there are even spiders that only have two.  (Now those are the true eight-legged freaks there.  Two eyes.)  And, there are people out there who have been able to tell what species a spider is solely by the arrangement of the eyes, because there is significance in the pattern of arrangement on the head.  Also, some spiders, such as jumping spiders, who are the kinds of hunters who roam about looking for their prey, and right now the name for that eludes me and I'm refusing to go do a simple search because I promised (I promised) you that I would do this without research or verification of the "facts" I'm doling out here, just because I want to show off so bad and am really craving the attention, so I'm resorting to the old standby of "even bad attention is better than no attention" (which reminds me, remind me to tell you later about my decision to go into politics), which is why I'm in showbiz, so, uh, where was I, oh, yes, so they have better vision (you may even sometimes notice them watching you, so if you ever find them out hunting in your office, take a moment and go check them out and see what it is that they're looking at because they're probably there trying to hunt you.  Just kidding!  They're much too small to hunt you.  But they look really cool, so you should look at them.  Trust your big hunky chicken on this one.) than, say, the widows, who are passive hunters, meaning that they just sort of hang out in the webs that they build and wait for insects to come to them.  All sorts of neat spiders out there.  Some of them are like little spider cowboys that throw out lines of silk to catch their prey.

What else about spiders?  Let's do one more before we wrap this up because I may actually go to the coffee shop and see if there are any cute chicks there.  (Just kidding.  too scared.  I'll just stay here and do a little more "work.")  So, oh, I know.  Spiders can regenerate limbs.  Now, I know some of you, personally, who read this blog, and if I catch you ripping off spider legs just to see if that's true, I'm gonna report you to my assistant, and you know what she's like.  So don't be doing any random acts of violence against arachnids.  Just don't.

By the way, I'm thinking of running for office, so if any of you ghost writers out there have some fancy speeches ready for me, then bring it on.

Your Political,

"I'm the Big Chicken, and I approved this message."

**My point here being that this is why I am typing up a funny little blog post this evening rather than doing something....else.

*-This is the technical term.

***Okay, if any one of you out there can make a spider rap song, then you win the mutha lode!  And yes, collaboration is allowed.  So, if you want to work on this with me, you can do that, and that way I can bully you around some and also take more of the "credit."

Big Chicken Bug-Eatin' Contest Winner***

Remember that contest I had yesterday where I said you could do all sorts of crazy things with bugs?  (Except I forgot to say "or make something tasty with them," which is what I really wanted because I was hungry and posting fast 'cause I just wanted to get out of here.  Remember?  How could you remember?  You weren't here.)  Well, someone made a crazy song about bugs!  And sent it to me.  Do you know what that means?  Someone out there is crazier than I am!  And I would put that song on here, too, except I am getting pretty doggone jealous of all these peeps who done been helpin' the chicken with all this stuff because some of these people are funnier and smarter and more talented than I am.**

Like my costume designer.*-  That's right, folks, the Big Chicken image was sketched today!  This artist nailed it.  She got the image of this crazy bird down like - perfect.  I am not going to post it on here though because guess what else?  There are two, not one, but two, film production companies who are interested in the chicken.  So, shortly, we should have here for all of you the First Ever Actual Film Clip (Not Done on Actual Film, Probably More Like Digital), so pretty soon here, like I was saying, we should have the First Ever Visual Communication Via Streaming Ones and Zeroes (how does the internet thingie and images and so forth work, anyway?) That Is Comprised Of Images Of One Large Roller-Skating Bird and Lots of Cleavage.  (No, not cell division.  The other kind.)  WAIT!  I take that back.  We've got the first ever misnomer already, because of that very funny animated Film Clip of Chicken, (Starring Two Small Bears!) that aired just the other day and which, technically, is the First Ever Film Clip for Chicken.  Although it isn't a film either.  (Could someone define what a film is for me please?!)

So, doesn't that sound interesting?  Well, the cleavage part anyway.  And aside from some breast jokes, we're also going to have some serious deliberation about boobies. And legs and wings and thighs, and so forth.  Oh, and getting laid.

Okay, okay, alright already, we'll have a storyline, too.  For crying out loud, what else do you want?  Probably some sort of a protagonist.  And some reversals.  Maybe a little bit of a moral dilemma or two.  Yeah, right, from a chicken sans scruples?  We'll see.  With all these amazing folks who are working on this project, I'm sure we'll be able to throw together a tasty lil' sumpin' or other for ya. 

**I am going to post that on Big Chicken Radio.  Because it was funny. 

*-Who is cuuuuuuuuuute, btw.  In addition to being talented. 

***This title gives the impression that the contest was about eating bugs.  It also gives the impression that someone out there ate bugs to win it.  Neither of those things actually happened.  This is fiction.  A fiction of my imagination.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Know What Bugs Me? My Writhing Codependency

Been doing a little reading, trying to find out how to attract more bugs to this oatmeal that I never eat.  Turns out, for any of you freaks out there who don't like the rich protein source that is an insect infestation in your oatmeal you can simply freeze your oats and flour and so forth.  Or, what I mean to say is, stick it in your freezer, where it won't freeze, but it will keep those naughty insects at bay.  Which is good, because then maybe those guys will send all their relatives on over to my place, where word is that the cabinets are where it's at as far as insect nightlife and parties are concerned.  Or at least, that's what the roaches say.  (Just don't tell them that I will be eating them shortly before dawn, please.  thx.)

One of my long-held beliefs is being challenged today, folks, and that is that the wormie-like thingies in my oatmeal may not actually be weevils after all, but rather the larvae of a moth (which is what I thought a weevil was.  Apparently it is not.  Mom and Dad, I just want you to know that I blame you for this, and every other, error and misconception I've ever had.  Glad we cleared that up.  Can you send me fifty bucks?  Thanks.)  (Make that sixty.)  Okay, so the science of the nomenclature is such that my wee little nephew can understand with ease what my chicken-friend brain struggles mightily to comprehend, and that is the link between the mysteries of the natural history of the giant squid and the apparent writhing public misconceptions as far as pests (aka insects) of the stored cereal grains go.*-

Who labeled these guys pests anyway?  Talk about biased.  It really bugs me.  I read this dictionary entry once for insects (yes, I will admit it, I am a complete nerd.  Nerdy, nerdy, nerdy, and proud of it.  That's right.  Proud of it.  So proud, that I hide my name deep within the bowels of this blog....yes yes yes.  Actually, "geek" may be more appropriate), read an entry for insects from a supposed college dictionary from the 1950's or -60's and the definition was something or other blah blah blah pests.  And I don't have that in front of me, so I'm just going off a memory here, which is a verifiable and extremely reliable source (could someone tell me my name please?) and I couldn't believe it.  That's right, offended I was.  Yeah, I know - me!  It takes a lot to push me over the edge, but man, once I - okay, anyhow.  So, with the multitude of amazing creatures that comprise the insect world, which is a lot*** I think it's time for a revolution in thought (because that dictionary was probably still current three years ago, right?) regarding insects and their place in our world.  Namely, that they are not pests, but instead they are really cool-looking food.

(And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.)

***It's Big Chicken's Contest for the Day, Ladies and Gentlemen!  Also, Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person can play, too, but only if you're nicer to the other players than you were the last time, so stop trying to hog up all the space on this blog, because it may not be much, but right now, it's all that I have.  So play nice.  And pick up after yourselves.  Now, the contest for the day is Who Can Say or Do or Think Neat Things or Recite Facts or Tell Stories About Bugs?  Or Paint Pictures of Them or Draw Little Sketches?#-

I know this contest has some very strict and rigid and what may be downright overbearing rules and regulations, but I am a control freak, as I thought we had established before.  So, if you want to play, then you can do it one of two ways, as is usual, but for those of you who haven't been to my house before, here's how you can play and that is
1. Post a comment anonymously (and then I get to review it and decide whether it's published (please refer to "control freak" reference above) or
2. Send me an email at zbigchicken at gmail dot com or
3. Do both.  That's right, I gave you three options.  You know why?  Because, in addition to being a control freak, I am also codependent, so I want to make you like me, so I do things that I think will make you happy and then when you're not happy then I'm not happy because I have put the responsibility for how I feel on your shoulders.  ISN'T THIS A FUN GAME?!!!

*-This sentence means nothing.  It is just a bunch of words that I put together because I thought that it sounded good.  Like, chicken poetry.

Love, peace, and breadsticks, from
Your Beatnik Chick-en.

PS-Could anyone tell me what a Beatnik really is?  Because I have this misconception that was just developed by disparaging references made about them in popular media.  So, I decided to use what I've got, you know, because it's what I've got, and then also to blame the media for my ignorance rather than accept personal responsibility for the amount and types of knowledge that my brain contains, but still, it couldn't hurt to learn about something, right?  Especially if I'm going to make fun of it.  Except, I want you to learn about it for me.

#-Or Sing a Bug-gy Song.  Double bonus points if you record it because then you, too, can be a guest on Big Chicken Radio, the show we've been promising to you for weeks!  Hey, speaking of which, I have been listening to some of the programs for BCR, and I thought that I should clean them up before I post them because something is wrong with my handheld recording device and there is this very irritating sound that pops up pretty regularly when my assistant is recording.  However, due to laziness coupled with an artificial deadline, I have decided that I will go ahead and post for you the radio programs that you all want to hear.  As usual, don't blame me.  Because I really, really, really - want for you to like me.  So that then you will do what I want.  Okay, on second thought, I am going to clean those up because I care.

PS-Did anyone see that person who wrote a tiny comment at the end of yesterday's post?  "The Peeper."  Listen, I know I'm a big tough guy and everything, but that was so cute! 

PPS-Am meeting with the costume designer tomorrow.  How cool is that?  Think she can make me into a real chicken?  Tomorrow's concept day, so she said she'd be able to put together a composite (although she assured me, too, that this image was not being made to help the authorities in their search for me, which was a real load off my back) so pretty soon here we should be able to have the great Unveiling of Chicken.  So stay tuned!  And if you want to help me reach my goal of skating around the nation in a chicken suit and making a funny movie about it, then stop on by my Paypal account and slip me some cyber-skins, man )

Remember, too, that you can subscribe to this blog for free, so it'll come to you when hot off the nest, making your life easier because then you won't have to keep remembering to put "read zbigchicken" on your list of to-do's.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Big Chicken Annual Premium Payments

Big Chicken Auto Insurance Policies

Here at Big Chicken Auto Insurance (BCAI)*, we understand that life happens.  And that you have been paying costly premiums for many years now so that you could rest assured that we would cover you in the event of any actual claims.  Therefore, we want to assure you of the following, and that is this - "We will not raise your premium amount due to any claims that were not your fault.  Guaranteed."***


The Big Chicken
Head of Marketing, Customer Relations, and the Claims Adjustment Departments.
Magistrate of the Unidentifiable, King of Envy, and Charlatan of All Known Domains.  He Who Wanders on Wheels, and He Who Wonders on Films.  Chick Magnet. 

***We will raise your premium policy in direct proportion to the amount of any and all of your claims.  Guaranteed.  Those little pings in the windshield you called about and said, "Hey, just checking in with you guys because I could patch this myself with a twelve dollar kit from the auto parts store," and we, or I, said, "Oh, no, don't worry about it!  You have comprehensive coverage!  Just take it to one of our partner shops, they'll repair it and bill us, all at no cost to you!" and you said, "Will my premium go up?" and I said,"Premiums are reviewed on an annual basis and barring the a cough a cough a cough a cough a cough it shouldn't go up because of this," and you said, "Okay, because if it's going to go up because of this, I'd rather just patch it myself," and I said, "Oh, no, have our guy do it," and you said, "Okay.  Thanks," and I said "Sure, that's what we're here for.  Can I help you with anything else today?" and you said, "No," and then I said, "Thank you for insuring with us," (as I always do, because I really love and appreciate and value all of the wealth that you bring into my life and then I marked your account for a special review on the upcoming annual policy premium review cycle).

You're welcome.

PS-The increase in your premium payment this year had nothing at all to do with the claim you called about.-*  No, it didn't.  That's a correlation.  It isn't causation.  No, it's not.  Haven't you ever heard that "correlation is not causation?"  Listen, you're dabbling in pseudoscience now, and if you don't back off, I'm going to need to restrain you.  Charlatan!  You're a charlatan!  And you're superstitious!  Okay, maybe you're not, but you're seeing things!  You're making connections that don't logically exist here and I think you may want to consider counseling.  Or at least a course in critical thinking.

-*It did.

*The acronym for Big Chicken Auto Insurance sounds almost like a chicken sound.  Let's see if we can expand on this, shall we?  Hows-about, Big Chicken Auto Insurance Waivers (BCAIW), no, that isn't funny enough.  Big Chicken Auto Insurance Waivers and So-forth (BCAIWS).  Big dash Chicken Auto Insurance Waivers and So-forth exclamation point (B-CAIWS!) Or, to make it easier to pronounce the acronym in a chicken-sound-related way, how about just taking out the word "insurance," so the acronym is B-CAWS.  That's brilliant!  I know.*-*

*-*Yes, I spend my days thinking of this stuff.  Sometimes my nights, too.  When I'm not dating.  Stupid restraining order.  Yeah, you heard me.  Some crackpot out there hired an attorney to try to threaten me.  Me!  Can you believe it?    No?  Seriously.  You can read the comments at the end of this post here.

And yes, I'm sure it's a real attorney because they signed it that way in an anonymous post.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

External Validation Should Really Be An Inside Job

What does a chicken without a chick do on the weekend?  I'm sort of at a loss here.  Been staring at the ceiling some.  That's pretty cool, 'cause I can reach beyond it in my mind to the glorious heights of self-pity.  I wonder why people don't spend more time doing this, because it's actually very rewarding in some strange way.  I feel like a gen-u-wine victim of circumstance here, and it's all very dramatic.  The part that's not so good is when I look around the apartment.  The dishes are piled up and the laundry is overflowing the basket.  Frankly, I'm tired of looking at the stuff, so I'd like to get out of here for a little while.  Maybe skate around the block or something.  Anything to take my mind off of that stupid kookaburra bird.  I mean, she washed my dishes for me.  How do you ever replace that?

I can't believe she broke up with me after one week.  I mean, a relationship that long - I really thought we were gonna make it.  I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING, KOOKABURRA BIRD!  I have never devoted so much time and effort to any one chick before.

Well, time, anyway.  To her.  I guess the effort part would have been more applicable to her friends.  But still, I was there.  I was there for her when no one else was.  Not her friends who were always calling her to see how she was, or her parents who helped her pick up her things from my place yesterday after I threatened to burn the stuff, or her business associates who put in a good word for her whenever I tried to smear her name with everyone I know all over town.  Seriously, what did any of them ever do for her?  Nothing.  That's what.

I thought we had something.  But now, I guess not.  C'est la vie, huh?

Anyone see the game last night?  It was going pretty well until that one ref called a fowl ball.*

Your "I'll Get Over This Quickly," no, wait, make that "Your Embittered,"

*Thanks to the reader in Alexandria for this one.

zbigchicken at gmail dot com

Friday, October 8, 2010

Working Class, Heartbroken Chicken

You know, when that little laughing kookaburra bird broke up with me, I didn't think she really meant it, but she hasn't called me yet, and it's been a day now, so I think she's serious.  Maybe I should have tried a little harder to work things out.  I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but how many chicks out there will actually put up with me?  Oh, well, at least she said I was hunky before she left.  So I got that much.  The girl had some sense.  I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DUMPED ME.  WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?  AS IF SHE COULD GET ANYBODY ELSE.  LITTLE KOOKABURRA BIRD, I MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE TODAY.  DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT.  Yes, I realize you were already who you are today when I met you, but this doesn't have to make sense because IT'S MY BLOG.  So there.

I swear, you know somebody for a week and then they hit you with something like this.  I mean, it was totally unexpected.  (Even though she told me she wouldn't put up with philanderin' when she broke up with me that first time.) Not to mention devastating.  I mean, who I am going to see tonight?  No one, that's who.  You know why?  Because she broke up with me right before the weekend.  How tacky is that?  It doesn't even give me time to check on anyone else's availability.


Maybe I'll go home and read a book or something.  No, do you know what?  This is crazy.  I can't be letting some kooky little bird get the best of me.  They don't call me the Barnyard Pimp for nothing.  And, yes, little kookaburra bird, if you read this, and you see where I called you kooky back there, two words for ya:  I said it.  I know that's three words, really, but I'm keeping one of 'em for myself.  You know why?  Because it's ALL I'VE GOT.  YOU HAPPY NOW?  IT'S ALL YOU LEFT ME WITH.  That and the little packet of mayonnaise.  The one you promised we'd get funky with.  YOU PROMISED.  How could you break a promise like that?  Do you know how many times I thought about that?!!!

This is driving me crazy.  I need to do something.  Get some air.  I WISH I COULD FLY I WISH I COULD FLY I WISH I COULD FLY, OH MAN, I WISH I COULD FLY.

What is going on here?  I am a full-grown chicken, with roller skates and friends and yet, I am experiencing some odd constriction in the chest area.  (Gasp!) Is this what they call an emotion?  Does this make me emotional?  Is that what the therapist was talking about that day when I was trying to hit on her during couple's counseling?  Ohhhhh, I think I get it now.  But, why on earth did she say that I needed to open myself up to being more like this?  THAT WOMAN WAS CRAZY.  WHO ON EARTH WANTS TO FEEL LIKE THIS?  MORE OFTEN?  WHAT ON EARTH WERE WE PAYING HER FOR?***

Breeeeeeeeathe, chicken.  Breathe.  This will pass soon.  Don't let that little bird get the best of you.  You can't let her take you down like this.  COME BACK LITTLE BIRD, COME BACK, OH, FOR THE LOVE OF BUG, PLEASE COME BACK!  Just don't ever tell anyone I said that.  Especially not here on my private blog. 

(Speaking of which, does anyone know why a country that appeared in the Stats pages as a visitor some time back would not be included in the list of all-time visitors?  Enough work - back to the drama at hand.)

Ewww, what's this?  Looks like the little kookaburra bird left some of her expensive make-up in the closet.  And some shoes.  Hey, what is a bird doing wearing shoes?  Well, never-you-mind about that, because the more important question now is:

What should I do with them?  Should I tell her?  Nawww, that would be too kind.  And what did she ever do to deserve a kindness from me?  Oh, sure, she washed my dishes and rubbed my wingjoints, but what did she ever do for me, really?  And I know they also say that forgiveness is the key to personal freedom, but they were never unceremoniously (though somewhat eloquently) dumped by a kookaburra bird, now were they?  Hm?  Hm?

Listen, I know I'm going on about this, but I've already been on the phone for three hours today with anyone who would answer just to talk about how I feel and do you know what that's like for someone like me who wants to dress up in a chicken suit and roller skate around the country?  Humiliating.  That's what. 

Burn 'em.  That's what I'm gonna do.  I am going to burn her fancy shoes and her expensive makeup and then maybe that will help me to be able to forgive her for the agony she put me through.  So, if you're reading this, little kookaburra bird, you can come pick up your makeup and your shoes tomorrow.  They'll be that little pile of ash by my back porch.  Next to the doggy present that one stray keeps leaving there every morning.  (I wonder if anybody's taking care of him.)  Oh, and by the way, Kooky, you'd better call before you come by, because you know that one friend of yours that you thought I would never have the gall to see?  Well, I'm calling her up as soon as I post this, so she just might be here in the morning, is all I'm saying.  So, take that.

Your Passive Aggressive,

PS - A special note to Skimmers and Those Who Read Ahead, or Backwards: Did anyone notice yet that, down there in the final portion, the tenses don't match?  Well, make no mistake - because that's no mistake, Viewers.  That's simply one more case of your Working Class Chicken trying to gain some sense of power and control in life.

***Technically, the little kookaburra bird paid for that.  Like she paid for almost everything else.  Okay, everything else.*

*Has anyone noticed that "technically," in all it's glory and obvious mis-uses, has quickly acquired the coveted position of Sir Big Chicken's Favorite Word?  Do you have a favorite word?  Then, tell me what it is on Sir Big Chicken's Word of the Day!**

**A note on words: it doesn't have to be a real one.  Meaning, you can make one up.  Which would, technically, make it real, although not accepted yet by the Authorities on Those Types of Things.  You know, the ones who are breathing down your neck and causing so much consternation as you're trying to concentrate on memorizing words that should be fake, like, oh, let's say a word like "philangeal."  Words like that one don't even look real to me.  More like some strange creature from another time.  Maybe it's because I mis-spelled it.  Oh!  Haha, I did.  It's "phalangeal."  There.  That looks better, doesn't it?  Much more believable as far as words go.

(A note on customs: When traveling in cyber-space, it is customary to tip the chicken.  thx.  Yer "I'm just trying to be helpful," Friend, z'chicken  )

zbigchicken at gmail dot com

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Sometimes I Will Do Your Work For You

Hello there Everyone and welcome back once again to Big Chicken Radio, the home of the assistant with the voice that's still too froggy from a cold to be of much use yet on a radio show.  (I knew I should have hired that other assistant.)

New visitors to the blog include peeps from Russia as well as from Israel - so, Welcome to the Zaniest Blog on the Planet!  Home of Present and Future Mis-Spellings, Poor Punctuation, and Miss Capitalization.*-  This is your unreliable chicken, saying, "You can count on that!"***

That's the end of our show for today, Ladies and Wheat Germs.  Thanks for tuning in.

Your - I Do Work, Upon Occasion,

*-Speaking of Miss Capitalization (you know, that one chick who posted a smarmy comment here about this blog post )I wonder if she's cute.

***It's up to you, dear Listener, to determine what that statement is referring to eggs-actly.  But I won't spell the answer out for you, because, unlike school, here on zbigchicken blog, it's up to you to do the work yourself.  So, here are the options - now, you decide:

When Z'Very Big and Floofy Chicken made the statement that you could count on "that," to what was his Handsome Self referring to?

Option Number One -   That this, his zany blog, was most assuredly going to be the home of future mis-spellings and so forth or

Option Number Two - That your Big Handsome Chicken was (and is) unreliable? Or,

Option Number Three - That I should have stayed in school, because this work thing is for the birds.

Finished?  Now, here is how you compute your score and determine what those results might mean (incidentally, each option is worth five points):

If you chose Option Number One, then you are, clearly, one savvy and sophisticated human person with obvious talent and good looks.

If you chose Option Number Two, then you are probably smarter than you originally let on to those members of my staff who were supposed to be managing the screening process (note to those members of the staff - you're fired.  Get out.  Wait!  Bring me some coffee.  The creamy sweet kind.  thx.  Now, get out.)

Finally, if you chose Option Number Three, then I really can't help you right now, but I'm sure that, upon careful reflection, you yourself will be able to determine the answer that's right for you. 

Now, if I made you laugh with any of this, please let me know with the purchase of a Cyber-Chicken Theater Ticket here or send me one of those thoughtful emails that are sort of like a standing ovation, except there are no folks standing and no applause.  Unless, of course, you are doing that when you reply, in which case, please then post that on youtube and send me a link and I will show everybody how good you look!

Ah, Love

That little Laughing Kookaburra bird broke up with me.  I know, I was devastated.  We've been seeing each other for at least a week now, maybe less, and I had really grown fond of her.  At times.  At other times, she just got on my nerves, but sometimes, like when she was quiet (which was hardly ever) I really liked her.  Or, maybe it wasn't her so much as it was her friends.  Which made me really like being around her, or at least suffer through it long enough to get half a chance.  With those other chicks.  So, listen, Little "K," if you're reading this, please come back.  I miss you.....................................................................................r friends.  So call me.  I will do whatever it takes to get you back.   And don't think I didn't notice that you called me handsome in your breakup comment ( ) Girl, I always notice things like that, and plus it is just proof that you find me irresistable.  Even though I can't spell it.  So come on back, girl, 'cause I need someone to wash these dishes.  I am serious.  They're dirty.  And stacking up in there.  Well, I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't for the fact that you'll do it.**

Broken-Hearted Chicken

**No, I'm not a chauvinist!  Are you kidding?  I'm an opportunist.  There's a difference!  And listen, as far as survival is concerned, it's the way to go; as in, very strategic.  Helps me conserve energy for more important things. Like reproduction.  Or the practice for it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Ostrich Dreams Are Such Strange Things

Words, Words, Words

I dreamt of ostriches last night, and emus.  I passed by these two emus that were kind of tough-looking but then this big ostrich walked in and just totally dominated the scene so I ran into the woods and he came in after me and so I thought I know, I’ll climb a tree, so I did, but then I looked down and that mofo was climbing up after me, so oh, hey, who mis-folded my napkin here?***  Some shoddy machine, no doubt, and it’s a good thing because if it was a person, I’d have them fired so they could come work for me at Big Chicken Industries.

So anyway, back to the dream-a-roo, so I looked down and that ostrich was climbing up the tree after me and I was like, what the f____ I knew bears could climb trees, but flightless fowl?  Who knew?  Except, you know how it is in dream speak when you talk and so I think the sentence above turned out more like “Ostrich omelettes ready by three, take the 407 train to station D, Pittsburgh.” Whatever that means.  So, in the dream, I’m not sure what happened next, except I think I did something incredibly dashing, like I pulled back and did this amazing flinging slingshot move and catapulted out of there and right into the lobby of a hotel where I used to work.  But it wasn’t the hotel where I used to work as much as it was the one where my mom used to work.  Although, she never actually did in real life.  Just in the dream.  Back to the ostrich.  He was scary, and menacing, and I think that he threatened me, which is a load of BS, (can I say BS on this napkin?  No, Family programming, huh?  Okay, I’ll clean it up) A load of malarkey, because we hired that guy to stomp Eagle, and now he’s chasing me in my dream.  I don’t think so, because that was not, I repeat, not part of the contract.  Plus, he was scary, and I had no assistant there, so please, Nice Reader Person, hold me.

Dja ever notice how Starbucks makes it kinda hard to steal their napkins?***  Well, it isn’t that they make it hard to steal as much as it is that they label ‘em, makin’ it real obvious from whence they were stole.**  This message, replete with poor grammar, was brought to you today by the Big Chicken, spreading joy, fertilizer, and mis-spellings all across this Our Great Land. 

Cocky Chicken

zbigchicken at gmail dot com

***This part is really only relevant if you read the original napkin.

**A note on theft: Your Big Fancy Chicken did not actually steal any napkins from any of the places that he said he did.  He simply utilized the ones provided with the purchase of goods and services at various locations across this Our Great Land, but then called it the "Stolen Paper Napkin Series " et cetera, as an attention-seeking device.  Purty good, huh?

Picking Up Where I Left Off

So was I the only one who caught the reference I made to an ornithopter yesterday?  I learned about them from a Tweet on Twitter.  Well, I didn't learn about them so much as I watched one fly.  ( ) This was a neat contraption.  I've often wondered if I could make a bicycle with flappy wing thingies fly, but so far, have not found the will (or the funding) to pursue that.  Mainly because I've never looked.

All that aside - Welcome back Ladies and Wheat Germs to what is, arguably, the Fowlest Blog on the Planet!  And a big "Welcome!" to all the peeps visiting this here, my little nest, from Malta, Slovakia, and the Philippines.  How exciting for this big chicken to have guests from so many places.  (Can any of you visitors tell me what the chicks are like in your countries?  Are they cute? And, are they as, um, possessive as this little kookaburra I've been seeing?  Because if I even so much as look at another bird, or post an "I saw you" ad for one, or go out with one, she gets really mean, and critical.  It's like, I can't do anything right for her.  So, if you know someone, just tell her to write me.  thx)

Listen, when I read one of the comments posted by little "k" yesterday, it reminded me of a strange dream I had while traveling.  I wrote it down on one of my patented stolen paper napkins, I think it was in Stolen Paper Napkin Series Two (or Three), but when I saw my Big Chicken Mama a little while back, she needed something to read on her flight, so I gave the series to her.  She was nice enough (even after all I did as a youngster) to read it out to me the other day (before I ever even knew that Little Miss K was going to freak about that last post, and you can read her scathing response if you click on the comments here  ---> )so that I could type it up and post it for you.  So now, unlike those radio spots I've been promising to you, or the pics and video from the first leg of my First Annual-ish Southern Migration, I'm actually going to post the dream thing.  Those other things are coming.  I promise.**

Stifled Chicken

PS- How many of you out there have yet to see the First Ever Film Clip for Chicken?
Starring Two Little Bears!  It's pretty funny, just don't blame me.  I was mis-quoted numerous times in the first two minutes alone.

**Just like I promised fidelity to the kookaburra bird.  And I always make something of my promises.  As in, a big deal.  Like, "Oh, hey, listen up everybody, I'm gonna promise something.  Look over here!  Look at me.  Stop what you're doing.  STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND LOOK AT ME!  Whew, man that was tough.  Why do I always have to yell at you guys to get you to do what I say?  And then, why do you support my poor behavior by doing it?"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


So I saw this one chick a little while ago, when me and the little kookaburra bird were having some grubs over at the base of the banyan tree, and I was gonna go hit her up for her number and all, but do you know what my little "k" bird did?  She talked to me the whole time!  Like, who is actually going to listen to all of that? 

I swear, sometimes I just want to jump into my private ornithopter and get out of there, but do you know what she does whenever I do?  She gripes about commitment.  Says I don't care about her, or how she feels.  I don't know how many times she's said that to me, because usually I'm not listening anyway, but I'm getting pretty tired of it.

That other chick, though, she looked good.  Didn't say much either, which could really mean some huge points in her favor.  If she stays that way.  So, uh, since me and Craigslist still ain't talking, I'm going to use this, my home in cyber-space, to send a shout-out to the chick who was eatin' grubs under the banyan tree yesterday afternoon around three.  If you see this ad, shoot me an email and let me know if you want to go out with me.  Just so you know, I was the big human dressed up like a chicken, wearing roller-skates, and I was there with the little kookaburra bird.  Who was my sister.  No, wait, she was my sister's friend. 

zbigchicken at gmail dot com

Who's Your Chicken?
I am.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Callous Chicken

I'm a little concerned that the freak (that's right, I said it) who posted that comment may be funnier than I am.  Could you guys let me know what you think?* ( ) Because if she is, then, as much as I hate to do it, I'm probably going to need to offer her a job, or at least some sort of incentive to stay.  Like some occasional candy corn or something.  I don't know.  What do you offer folks when you don't have money?

Speaking of which, remember to watch the first of a series of low-budget chicken films!  Starring, two little bears!  Here

Oh, hey, guess what else?  I was going to tell you about the date with the little kookaburra bird's friend last night, but then I realized that this blog isn't always the most private setting and so, on second thought, let's just keep that one between you and me, because I've grown rather fond of the little kookaburra bird and would be kind of sad if she found out I was seeing her friend on the side, because then maybe she wouldn't keep going out with me.  I don't know why, but some chicks are like that.  Especially the Laughing Kookaburra bird, which is known to be a monogamous species, which really begs the question: what have they got to be laughing about?  Haha.  Now, that's funny.  Although, maybe, since they are relatively drab-colored birds and so forth, perhaps they're just happy to have somebirdy** to be with. So then they don't have to cry themselves to sleep at night.  Not that I've ever done that!  No way, what are you - crazy?  I'm a big tough strong bird that will peck your feathers out, so don't ever mess with me, because when you mess with me, you're messin' with one fowl dude.

And don't you forget it.

Your Tough and Hardened by a Life of Crime,

** I thought, surely, I was the first one to think of this and was gonna call dibs on it, but then I Googled it and found out it's been done.  Dog gone it.

*Remember, you can vote two ways:
1. Comments to this blog (which may be done anonymously, if it's really that important to ya) and
2. Emailin' the boss (that's me) directly at zbigchicken at gmail dot com

Professional Chicken

Hello there Everyone.  Big Chicken here to say that we had a visitor to the blog last week from India, as well as return visits from Canada and Denmark.  So, welcome, world visitors!  We here at Big Chicken Film and Television Productions are happy to see that this bird is going worldwide.

On a somber note, we here at the studios would like to point out the feedback that we received last Friday regarding this, our Very Wholesome and Fortifying Blog.

If any of you know who this miscreant comment-poster may be, we here at are willing to pay for information leading to the arrest and conviction of anyone who thinks that the Chicken Nuggets blog is funnier than mine.  Ours.

Thanks in advance for any help with this matter.
Professional Chicken

Friday, October 1, 2010

Thingers and Whirlygigs - All In a Day's Work for this Chicken

Listen, I wasn't going to post anything here today because I am clearly, a very busy bird.  However, my fan base depends on me (one of the responsibilities of being a fabulously famous and fetching bird), and so, it is with some regret that I, your host, put off those errands that I didn't really wanna be runnin' at lunchtime anyhow, to make more of these very very tasty blog entries to you.  To all of you.  I just thought of something funny.  The short entries, I'm gonna call those "bloglets."  Has that been done?  I think I just thought of that.  Let me Google it.  Just a mo'.

Oooookay, someone out there has used it.  This guy right here, AAMOF*** -------->

Hey, someone left  a comment on the other page that contained some pretty funny (though also very, very fowl) ideas regarding Big Chickens and Advertising.   That can be found at the bottom o' the page here ----->

Going to run those errands now, which makes me,


Dashing Chicken

PS-Do you guys like these little thingers here?  "---->"  They just came in special order today and I'm trying to make use of them.  Had really been hoping for whirlygigs, but this is all they had to offer for now, so I'm stuck wid'em.  On an unrelated note, you may soon notice a marked increase in their use here on this blog.

Does anyone know how to kick the common cold?  Thank you.

And one more thing!  For any of you who have not yet seen the fancy little moving picture film digital thingie my one "friend" made, be sure to check that out here -----> at the First Ever Film Clip for Chicken And if you send it 'round to all your friends we can soon take this show on the road and make that feature-length movie you've all been waiting for.

***Today's asterisked comment is for the acronym AAMOF, which, as any fool would know, stands for "As A Matter Of Fact."  Which really stems from yet another case of Gross Mis-Capitalization.  Just remember.  You heard it here first.*

*Technically, you read it.  So stop nit-picking, and get off my back.

Thanks for stopping by and come back again real soon.  Love, Your Chicken