Wednesday, April 25, 2012

That's One Feisty Chicken

Looks like that ca-ray-zay Kingfisher left another creepy comment.  (Kookaburra has left a new comment on your post "I Think This Means War":) You know, if I didn't like her mom so much, I'd probably dump her, but in order to keep the piece in the family, if you follow, sometimes a bird's gotta make some sacrifices.

(But just in case we never make our way back to domestic bliss, if any of you readers out there have any friends who are single and looking, let me know, ok?  Now, back to our domestic squabbling. BTW, my aunt told me that she calls pigeon "squab.")

This is the latest from my lovely, lady-like Little K:

"Okay z, I'm going to ignore everything you said, because I didn't read it - even the part about my mom.

Can you bring my Fine Young Cannibals tape with you on Saturday? I think I loaned it to you, and I want it back before you get all beat up. I'd probably have to wait until you get out of the hospital, and who knows how long that would take - maybe years.

Great, thanks!

Cheers big ears!

Hey K, I thought you were done with the big ears comments.  You know that stuff hurts my feelings.  Just because I don't have any real ears to speak of is no reason to try to hurt a man's pride.  And anyway, you look swollen, like you're retaining water again.  Or have you just put on a few pounds?

I'm just saying, is all.

Oh, and you can tell your big stupid boyfriend to go buy you a new FYC CD because I am burning that tape to the ground baby...TO THE GROUND.

You hear me?  You don't mess with the chicken K, got it?  DON'T MESS WITH THE CHICKEN!  Or you're boyfriend's gonna get plucked.

Z'Feisty, Vainglorious, and Duly Appointed,

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I Think This Means War

Kookaburra has left a new comment on your post "Could Someone Define the Word "Work," Please?": 

"Dear Z,

I should have listened to my mother when she said you were a lazy good-fer-nuthin', and you were bad in bed (I'm not sure how she was so spot-on on that last part.)

Anyhoo, since it appears you're too lame to schedule a time to come get beat up by my incredibly handsome boyfriend, I've set up a fight between you and him myself.

Be at the Pizza-A-Go-Go back parking lot this Saturday at 1:30pm. My boyfriend is teaching orphans how to bench press at noon, so sorry about the late start.

-K "

Oh, uh, hey K, what's up sugar?  Listen...ummmm, about Saturday....that time's no good for me.  I've got some, uh, stuff, going on this weekend.  Can you please ask your big lug-nut if he'd possibly be willing to reschedule?  I just can't make it over there before 3 am the following day.  Sorry!  

By the way, your boyfriend sounds like he's all brawn and no brains, so I've just gotta ask, what on earth do you see in this guy?  Especially since you've been out with, of all peeps, ME.  I know he may be bench pressing and all, but you've got to admit, I really raised the bar.  Right?


So, uh, let me know about Saturday, I mean Sunday, in the wee wee hours of the morn.  Oh, and then, could you also please finish ironing those shirts you said you were going to iron for me a few weeks back when we were still talking?  Thanks.  Oh, and your mom says "Hi."


Monday, April 16, 2012

Could Someone Define the Word "Work," Please?

Kookaburra has left a new comment on your post "Why Love Stinks":

"Hey, am I going to have to do all the work on this blog now??? I post a comment , and then it becomes the entire contents of your next post, and then I comment on it???

Are you trying to avoid the fight I'm setting up for you? You know, I'm doing a lot of work to set up your eventual smack down. I'm selling tickets, and having programs printed. This is just like you when we were going out. It was always about you and never about how I wanted to have you beaten up by a guy who wanted to compete for my affections.

-k "

Hey, little news flash for ya, "K," that all this dribble you peck out in the comments section doesn't just cut and paste itself, okay?  So, lay off!  Ya Featherbrain.

Hmph.  And stop picking fights.  It's unlady-like.  Plus it takes time away from plucking your nose hairs, and you should really stay on top of that chore.  I'm just sayin'!

Yer disgruntled,

PS - I think we should see a relationship counselor.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Why Love Stinks

Kookaburra left a new comment on the post "Conjugal Visits and Allergies":

"Dear zBig,

It's been a while. I must say, I've really enjoyed the time I've spent away from you. After I decided to leave you, my life suddenly got better. I began dating a chicken that runs a blog called aBigChicken - he says he was first. He can bench press probably around 2.5 of you, was one of the early founders of Google, and has a comb on the top of his head that just won't quit. It's not all floppy and dilapidated like yours.

Anyhoo, (I know you hate it when I say "Anyhoo," I though it might be fun if you two were to fight over me. You know, like in a parking lot behind the Pizza-a-GoGo restaurant. I'm going to set it up, so you'd better fight for my honor, you jerk!


Monday, April 2, 2012

Conjugal Visits and Allergies

Things have been pretty lonely since I locked myself out of the coop and ignored every birdy.  Hmm, I wonder what I can do to get back in my girlfriend's pants,I mean, good graces.  Seriously, I don't know why these lapses in communication bother people, but apparently they do.  Heck, you'd figure some chicks would have been happy not to have heard from me for a while, but I guess that's just not true for my ex-mother-in-law's sister, who just got released from jail and has done nothing but criticize me for not writing or calling her the whole time she was locked up.  Shoot, if she keeps up like this, I think I just may cut out those conjugal visits we've been having lately.

Or, maybe not.  Any port in a storm, they say.  I just wish she didn't have so many cats.

Z'congested (ahhh-CHOO!), allergic,