Monday, March 28, 2011

Worst Advice Column Ever - Monday

Hello Viewers,

Welcome back to the Worst Advice Column on the Planet!  Today, Monday, we have a very special blog post for you all.  It includes a letter from a troubled reader in Illinois.

Dear z'bichicken,

I have a problem and I need your help.  My friend suggested that I write to you, as you seem to have some insight into the fairer sex.  This is my problem.  My girlfriend throws things.  All the time.  Sometimes when she is mad, but other times when she is not.  What should I do, zbc?  I mean, I like her and everything, but the bruises are really starting to get to me.  By the way, she is reading over my shoulder as I write this, and she agrees that it's just not fun anymore.  Doggone it, she just threw my typewriter.  Stop that!

Bruised Under the Midwest Sun

Dear BUMS,

You know what I do whenever I have trouble dating?  I run.  Run away and hide.

It doesn't solve the underlying problems, but it gets me really, really far away from fists and whatever else is being thrown at the time.

Column-writin' Chicken

PS-In future correspondences, please spell my name right.

Yesterday, someone accused me of writing my own advice column letter.  I just say to that person: shut up, you!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Z'bigchicken's Unsolicited Advice Column

As many of you who know me must realize by now, there's nothing that I like better than doling out unsolicited advice. So, after years of bestowing my unasked-for wisdom upon the patient and tolerant backs of loved ones and anyone else who would listen, I've decided to start a column! That's right, a place where I can reach out and help MORE people remember why they stopped inviting me to parties in the first place. (By the way, I'm open this Saturday, if anybody has anything going on. That is a hint.)

Okay, so here we go with yet another unsolicited advice column, from yours truly.

Trouble with Dating

Dear Hunky Chicken,
Recently I started dating this guy. He's really nice, and good-looking (though not as good-looking as you), and he even likes my great-grandma's Christmas grub-cake recipe. Now, I know what you're thinking by now: what is the problem? Well, big chicken, I will tell you. The other night, when we were snuggling, this guy asked me how I felt about him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I like the guy and everything, but I barely know him. For example, up to this point, I have only slept with him four times. How well can you expect to know someone after only four times? (That is more of a rhetorical question.)

Anyway, I guess I just don't know how to answer his question, and really, I'm just plain irritated that he even asked me about my feelings in the first place. What would you do?

Confused and Nearly Single

Dear Confused and Nearly Single,

What would I do? I would dump that guy like day-old spaghetti, send an email to my personal business account (zbigchicken at gmail dot com), bake up one of your Great-grandma's grub-cakes, and fret no more, because I can promise you now that, if you ever want to go out with me, I will never, ever, EVER, bother you with stupid questions about how you feel.


So, dump him. Then, call me. I hope that this
Your Big Hunky Chicken

Next time, on zbigchicken's Trouble with Dating Column:
Bed bugs: How to Enjoy Them When Your Mate Doesn't.

Send your relationship questions to the Chicken at zbigchicken at gmail dot com

PS - Did anyone notice the fancy way I've started to spell my name? Isn't that great? It has nothing to do with my column, but I am craving attention these days, so I thought I would point that out.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Trouble with Dating?

I give the worst relationship advice on the planet. How bad is it? Well, let’s just say that, if I were you, I certainly wouldn’t be taking any advice from me.

So, if you’re worn down by the dating game and you need some awful, corny humor to lighten your load, just stop on by my blog. After you’ve read some of my writing, you won’t feel nearly as crummy anymore. Guaranteed!

Why? Because once you see what a jerk I am, you won’t feel nearly as bad about that one, trifling, insensitive remark you made that one time.

You can send your questions to me, z'very big c, on my blog.

Signed, zbigchicken

Wait a minute - this IS my blogspot.

Oh, hey you guys! Thanks for stopping by! (I wish I would have known you were coming, 'cause then I would've at least cleaned the place up a little bit. I mean, as it is, you're just gonna hafta step over that pile of verbs over there, and don't mind the parentheticals...they're harmless. Really. Unless you happen to be a kooky little avian number from the Southern Hemisphere, but if you're new to the blog, you're not gonna know what I mean by that, until you start catching up to speed on z'little kookaburra bird.

Which reminds me! Hey, you know what? It's cumbersome to catch up on a story when you've got to read it all backwards here on my blog, so stay tuned and I'll package it all up in a nice little e-book that you can download from my website just as soon as I figure out how to post a file there for you. I tried to do that the other day with my spankin' new Chicken T-shirt order form, but without luck, so please, pardon my delay due to working that there day job thingy and riding the bus to school, no, actually, that was a lie, I do not ride the bus to school. I am a driver, so WATCH OUT! Ha ha. Okay, seriously. I am a safe driver. As in, I would never, ever, ever eat garlic-flavored grubs while brushing my teeth and talking on the cell phone to Cynthia because she's thinking about going out with me this weekend and I can't miss the opportunity to tap, I mean, talk with her about some things and then this one driver cut me off but that was okay because I needed to slow down because I was about to miss my turn anyway. Where was I going with this? Oh, e-book. Right. Soon.

Thanks fer yer patience. Your, chicken.)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Chicks Who Like My Math Lovers' T

This pic is of a backwards chick who likes my math lovers' T.

She said that she rarely washes it so she can wear it faithfully.

A note to viewers: the shirt is not really printed backwards, that's just the result of this goofy gal's mad mirror photo skillz.

Hey, thanks for the pic, chick!

hunky chicken.

PS-Hey T-shirt chick, R U single? And do you know someone named kookaburra? Why? Just askin'.