As many of you who know me must realize by now, there's nothing that I like better than doling out unsolicited advice. So, after years of bestowing my unasked-for wisdom upon the patient and tolerant backs of loved ones and anyone else who would listen, I've decided to start a column! That's right, a place where I can reach out and help MORE people remember why they stopped inviting me to parties in the first place. (By the way, I'm open this Saturday, if anybody has anything going on. That is a hint.)
Okay, so here we go with yet another unsolicited advice column, from yours truly.
Trouble with Dating
Dear Hunky Chicken,
Recently I started dating this guy. He's really nice, and good-looking (though not as good-looking as you), and he even likes my great-grandma's Christmas grub-cake recipe. Now, I know what you're thinking by now: what is the problem? Well, big chicken, I will tell you. The other night, when we were snuggling, this guy asked me how I felt about him. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I like the guy and everything, but I barely know him. For example, up to this point, I have only slept with him four times. How well can you expect to know someone after only four times? (That is more of a rhetorical question.)
Anyway, I guess I just don't know how to answer his question, and really, I'm just plain irritated that he even asked me about my feelings in the first place. What would you do?
Signed,
Confused and Nearly Single
Dear Confused and Nearly Single,
What would I do? I would dump that guy like day-old spaghetti, send an email to my personal business account (zbigchicken at gmail dot com), bake up one of your Great-grandma's grub-cakes, and fret no more, because I can promise you now that, if you ever want to go out with me, I will never, ever, EVER, bother you with stupid questions about how you feel.
Guaranteed.
So, dump him. Then, call me. I hope that this helps...me.
Sincerely,
Your Big Hunky Chicken
Next time, on zbigchicken's Trouble with Dating Column:
Bed bugs: How to Enjoy Them When Your Mate Doesn't.
Send your relationship questions to the Chicken at zbigchicken at gmail dot com
PS - Did anyone notice the fancy way I've started to spell my name? Isn't that great? It has nothing to do with my column, but I am craving attention these days, so I thought I would point that out.
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