Thursday, October 20, 2011

Been Sigh-ing a Lot Lately - At Least Twice Anyway

Whatever happened to the good old days?  The times when things were so much simpler?   I mean, when I was a wee, fuzzy little chicklet, all I had to do was hide from the hawks, and the farmer's dogs, and the farmer, and the coyotes, and the foxes, and the snakes, and the bobcats, and the panthers, and the owls. 


Now, I've got this trig homework, and there's a lot of it, and I just have not been able to keep up, and it's just a little depressing is all.  Ah, well, I guess things could be worse.  I mean, I could still be locked up in the dungeon-like setting of my ex-girlfriend's abode.  Course, if I were still there, then I wouldn't have to go to work, and then I might have actually gotten my trig homework done.

What do you mean, people keep jobs and get their homework done on time?  What kinds of freaks are YOU talking about?  Sheesh....

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a chicken suit to put on.  This country ain't gonna skate itself.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

The Trouble With Pants

The first thing I realized the last time my pants fell down was that I was wearing the underwear that makes my cheeks look the best.  The next thing I realized was that I was dreaming.  The third and final thing I realized was that the strange buzzing sound I heard was my alarm clock going off, and that's what finally stirred me. 


Can't a chicken just get some sleep anymore?  It's like, ever since I started wearing pants, it's been nothing but trouble.  I never had to worry about 'em falling down when I wasn't wearing them, you know?  (That's a rhetorical question...whatever that means.) 

Can someone answer me, please?  Doesn't anyone else out there know what it feels like to go your whole life without wearing pants, just feeling fine and dandy, only to finally bow to social pressures, start wearing them, and then feel ashamed when they fall down?

Am I crazy?

Well, that does it.  Today, I'm takin' 'em off.



Sunday, October 2, 2011

Spicy Chicken Pin-Up and a Missing Wallet

Seeing as how I love controversy, I was intrigued by the recent New York Times pin-up of a raw chicken in a spicy little pose whose plucked presence sparked a bit of a public outcry from vegan activists.  I was so intrigued by it all, in fact, that I spent approximately three minutes reading a story about it on Yahoo News, and I don't invest that kind of time for just anything!  No, sir-E-bob.  It has to be good and juicy for me to waste my precious time reading about it.  After all, I could be picking my nose (do chickens even have noses?) or plucking my chest feathers or digging up some nice worms in preparation for a hot date with some new chick.  Although, typically, I'm really more often just picking my nose, without the prospect of a hot date with a new chick.  Picking my nose and working on homework, is more like it.  Homework, and laundry.  (Do chickens have laundry?  I know I do, but I'm not a REAL chicken, I'm just a human person who seriously, for some odd reason, wants to dress up like a chicken.  I'm thinking that I probably didn't get enough positive attention as a pullet.  Actually, I just looked up "pullet,"  and as it turns out, it's a young hen, not a young, strapping cock-of-the-walk, such as myself.  Moving forward swiftly now, without further delay...)

Speaking of homework, I'd best get back to it if I want to keep up a decent GPA, but in closing, I would like to say that the next time any of YOU lock yourselves out of your office during the weekend and have to walk five miles to call someone so you can get help getting into your house and then borrow a car and feel pretty grateful that you didn't follow the letter of the law and turn that one ID back in when you got the other one updated so you can still drive with a license so you're not too scared to be on the road while your wallet is locked inside the office with your phone and your keys and then you're wondering what your co-workers must do on the weekends, since they're not at the office, too, already, but then of course you need to send out word that you did this because since you weren't meaning to leave, you didn't arm the alarm, and so someone's gotta do that because you'd feel pretty bad if thieves came in and stole the expensive equipment when it was your fault that the system wasn't armed in the first place because after all, you only stepped outside to enjoy your dinner, it wasn't like you were eggs-actly planning to forget that the door knob has this lock setting where you can still turn it to get outside even if it is locked, but as I was saying...the next time you do that, I am so going to laugh at you.  I am never going to let you live that one down.