An Open Letter to All of the Kookaburra Birds Who Hang
Around zbigchicken and Bother Him With Incessant Chirping and Comments and Big
Hulking Scary Boyfriends and So Forth
Ahem.
Dear All Kookaburra Birds Who Skulk Around zbigchicken’s
Website, or Blog, Rather, and Post Insensitive and Unfounded Comments To and
About Him (here http://www.zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2012/04/thats-one-feisty-chicken.html#comment-form)While He Is Recovering in the Hospital From Ambushes in Local Pizza
Parlour Parking Lots, et al.:
You kingfishers are known to be a contemptuous breed, true,
but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and decided to date your mother whilst
seeing you just to prove to the world that you’re not all bad after all, and
this is the thanks that I get. You pull
my head off. I know you said that your
boyfriend did it, and maybe everyone believes you even though you have been
violent in the past because goodness knows the chicks are the sweeter, kinder,
gentler gender, right? Rrrrrrrright. So, thanks, Kookaburra bird, thanks. I just cannot tell you how much your
attention to detail means to me. I mean,
after all, you not only got your big, beefy, brawny, brainless (I don’t care
how many scholarships he was awarded in the 8th grade, he’s still a
loser, and he really lacks ambition, so why don’t you just tell him to go park
his Mercedes in someone else’s garage for a while and come get into my Pinto,
girl? Can’t you see that I miss you?)
boyfriend to try to punch me in front of my friend Shirley, but then you have
the gall to blame him for something you did yourself. You got some nerve, girl. I mean that.
And besides, you’re getting’ on my last one, and don’t make me have to
go get my chakras balanced again because you know every time I do that I end up
being all nice and balanced and it really makes me feel…uncomfortable, to say
the least. So, uh, you comin’ home
tonight? I’ll even kick your Mom out if
you do.
Z’two-timin’ shick-awn
Dear Z,
ReplyDeleteYou know, the more I read this, the more I remember our time together. So I'll come home on one condition... You have to take your head back off, then eat it, then swallow it, then digest it. I realize some of these items are difficult especially after that first step. But aren't I worth it? Now who the heck is Shirley?
I'll give you an open letter... right down your gullet. I know that doesn't make any sense, but it still sounds like it would be painful and that's what I'm going for here. By the way, I finally shaved my legs like you always wanted, but now you can't have them. Snap!
-K