Wanted! Grant-Maker for Chicken Movie

Ahhhh, Craigslist, so we meet again. Have I told you how much I missed you while you were gone? Here's a little ditty I wrote - just for you, Craigslist. Just for you.

Wanted!

A grant-maker who is desperately seeking to fund a first-time chicken-skater screenwriter, civil engineer-turned-digital-musician, teacher slash costume designer, muse/creative consultant to the chicken/actress/writer/artist, editing specialist, and other team members comprising a merry band (or motley crew) of movie-makers.

Details available upon request.

Sincerely,
zbigchicken
http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/zbigchicken

Severe Shortage of Breast Jokes on My Blog

I am a big human person who would like to dress up in a large chicken suit and roller-skate around the country and make a funny movie about it. I want the chicken suit to be tastefully done. Also, I write many funny things on my blog: namely, absurd, corny, fowl humor, with lots of jokes about breasts and some about legs and thighs. Actually, come to think of it, I haven't had nearly enough breast jokes on my blog of late, and doggone it, that's gonna change. Tonight. Also, I like to eat bugs.

Love,
zbigchicken

Survey!

Hello Everyone and welcome back to my blog! Today we have a short survey for all of you visitors here, to help get some feedback about what you like to see here and what you might like to see more of. Be sure to use the spaces for comments to let your voice be heard here at zbigchicken blog!

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/HPNG8YV

Your,
Survey-Conductin' Chicken
PS-The survey will help me to create the kind of blog and movie that will keep you rolling on the floor laughing out loud, or ROTFLOL, as my peeps here in cyberspace like to say.

The Website's Leaving Me...

You know, I had started this new "thing" with a website, but apparently my Creator (who seems to have a god complex, BTW) is going to discontinue any association with me there (what, embarrassed to know me now? That's the thing with fame, I guess, some peeps, it's like they never even knew you.) Anyhow, this "person" is going to have a "serious" website, one that is more reflective of the actual business part of things (although, this one still tends to use words like "bidness" in communications with me...at least I get that much.) Why am I telling you all of this? Because I just want you to know that, even though this is, in effect, putting a psychological restraining order between me and the website, I AM STILL KEEPING THE BLOG! Oh, and there will be a link there, too, but only if I agreed to never, ever, ever go there again. Anyhow, here's the page I had written for the site.

Your,
"I still can't believe the website broke up with me" Chicken

Hi! Welcome to zbigchicken.com, home of the Zaniest Chicken on the Planet! This website is my new pad. I just got it, and I'm really happy to be here. It feels more like a permanent home than the blog, a little more spacious, and hopefully I'll be able to put in that pool I've been wanting, plus the garden and so forth. It may take a little while for me to get the T-shirt, coffee-mug, and funny bird-related art inventory stocked and ready for you all, but in the meantime, I sure do hope that you'll stop on by my blog and read my wacky, stream-of-consciousness sort of humor as I get ready to fulfill My Life's Dream of roller-skating around the nation and making a funny movie about it. So, check me out at zbigchicken.blogspot.com

Sincerely,
Your Big Chicken

PS-My blog has everything you need to catch you up to speed on who I am and what it is that I'm doing here. So tell your friends, and have them tell their friends, and then, if they have a couple of friends they aren't talking to for whatever reason, go ahead and give them a call and try to mend fences, 'cause life is short, and then if that doesn't work, just let 'em know that they are now officially considered "enemies," and then have them secede from your Circle of Friends, and go out and start their own Circle of Friends, where maybe they can get a better phone rate, in which case, you should probably seriously consider befriending them again because it may help your pocket-book, and after all, isn't that what the REAL friends are for? No, not really. But still, if it helps your purse or your money-bag, then that might help you feel better or happier, perhaps a little more confident than you used to feel, back when you were struggling to make ends meet and then you had to feed the kids and all and your boss was really not giving you the respect that you deserved, so then what? Listen, I don't know what to tell you, except, back to the original point in yet another one of my patented, long-winded discourses, have your friends tell their friends about my funny blog, and then one day, we can all get on the mailing list together, (that's right, I'll get on it, too, right up there with the rest of you, because there is no way I would let you get into something like this on your own - it's wayyyy too funny for anyone to keep to themselves**) which has yet to be created but just cut me a little slack okay? I'm a Working Class Chicken, and I have to do this empire-building one step at a time. It's pretty fun though, so if you want to play this funny chicken game with me, then let me know at zigbigchicken at gmail dot com , which is my primary email address, although that, too, will probably change since I now have a Website, with a Webhost, and numerous email accounts - which is all very exciting for a big chicken like me.

PPS-I sure do hope you mend fences with that one friend. You know why? Because I am still avoiding that one of mine, so I figure, if I encourage you to do something like that, then maybe it'll chalk up some points for me somewhere. That's right, reader, I am encouraging you to do something that I myself am putting off. Listen, you should know, up front, that this sort of a thing is pretty typical for a chicken such as myself.

PPPS-Oh, hey! Why don't you drop me a line and let me know what Your Life's Dream is? I would love to hear about what it is that you most want to do. Plus, then maybe we could put our heads together and figure out how to getter done, you know?

**Could someone run a grammar check on this for me, please?

Holidays

Best thing about the holiday season? Potluck/gamenight! Oh, man, I can hardly wait to get together with all my peeps and chow down on some corn chips. I just hope that one chick doesn't bring the same pickled beetles she brought the last time. They were wayyyyyy too sour. Then, there's the tooth-achingly sweet fruitcake that just seems like such a waste of good grubs.

Whaddayou mean, there aren't any grubs in fruitcake? Well, maybe not in your recipe, but it's a standard at our family's get togethers. As a matter of fact, my great-great-grandmother on my mother's side was cooped up with a baker (yes, it was quite the scandal) one time who gave her the best fruitcake (although we generally call it "grubcake" or just "grub," for short) recipe ever. I'd share it with you, but I'm saving that for my special recipe book that I have planned for release next year. So, you'll just have to wait on that for now. In the meantime, though, you can savor this tasty little nugget of a short film, brought to you by the good folks over at CoyoteMoon Films, who released this DVD in time for your holiday stocking stuffer list. http://www.sehablaespanolmovie.com/

Your,
All This Talk About Grubs Is Making Me Hungry - Chicken

Training Programs for People Like Me

Not long after I realized that I want nothing more in life than to dress up as a large chicken and roller skate around the country**, I decided, without doing any research into the matter, that there weren't any training programs out there for people like me.

I was wrong. There are resources available, as this email notice that turned up in my inbox last week indicated(see below), proving once again and twice over easy the fact that fact is often times stranger than fiction. By the way, I went to the workshop last Sunday, and it was eggsactly what I had no idea I was looking for.

Your,
Life is the strangest thing I've ever experienced - Chicken

**This is a figure of speech. I do have other hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I just don't wish to tell you what they are, because I'm afraid you might all laugh at me. -zbc

Subject: Butoh Dance Workshop Series! THEME: Fundamental Elementals...
>
>
> “... to push out all of the human inside and let the bird take its
> place. You may start by imitating, but imitation is not your final
> goal; when you believe you are thinking completely like a chicken you
> have succeeded... Only in this way you can bring the body back to its
> original state. It is not depiction or symbolization which is the
> foundation of butoh. It is the metamorphosis.” ~ Harmen Sikkenga,
> Butoh writer
>
>
>
> Join us on Sunday, Dec. 12 @ 3-4:30pm for the next class of the DANCE
> WORKSHOP SERIES where the theme changes each week, from now until the
> end of the year! Workshop attendees get to choose from a selection of
> themes for the next class!
>
> ALL classes will be unique from each other... walk-ins and all levels
> of experience welcome!
>
> Combining Butoh ("Zen Dancing"), imagery, and many other fun and
> creative "tools in the toolbox", you will have the opportunity at each
> class to:
>
> • Explore and liberate your internal voice & personal rhythm
> • Practice awareness and presence through improvisation
> • Connect with energy, nature & a joyous dancing community
> • Experience a timeless space and a juicy appreciation of life!
>
>
> +++ THE THEME FOR NEXT WORKSHOP WILL BE...... Fundamental Elementals!
> The elements... earth, wind, fire, water, ether, everyone,
> everything... interconnected.
>
>
> SUNDAYS
> 3 - 4:30pm
> Rhythm Industry Performance Factory
> 1013 S. Tyndall Avenue
> (1 block W. of Park Ave, 2nd warehouse S. of 20th St)
> (From N.- take Speedway and go S. onto Euclid, which turns into Park
> Ave.)
> $10-$15 (Pay what you can)
>
> MARK YOUR CALENDARS!!
> Nov. 14 (Theme: Breath Body)
> Nov. 21 (Theme: Astral Journeys)
> Nov. 28 (Theme: Layers)
> Dec. 5 (No class- TAB Art Show & Wine Tasting)
> Dec. 12 (Fundamental Elementals)
> Dec. 19
> Dec. 26
>
> After December, you will have the opportunity to participate in the
> Water Festival performance!
>
> See ya on the dance floor to experience the elements!
>
>
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
> TUCSON ARTS BRIGADE
> Community Arts • Education • Civic Engagement
> 520.791.9359
> PO Box 545, Tucson AZ 85702
> http://www.TucsonArtsBrigade.org
> http://www.facebook.com/TucsonArtsBrigade
>
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
>
>

Big Chicken's Official Sock Monkey Survey

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a big chicken?

Have you ever had the desire to help underprivileged chickens in barnyards far away from your home land?

Well, take this survey!  It has absolutely nothing to do with either of those things, but it should at least make you smile before you have to go navigate the perils of traffic once again. 

So, here it is everyone, the Official Big Chicken Survey on Sock Monkey, I mean Survey Monkey - Click here to take survey

Thanks for playing and good luck!

Your,
Surveying Chicken

Test Time on Z'Blog!

It's Finals' Week here on z'blog, and in honor of college exams everywhere (but especially in this neck of the woods), we here at z'bigchicken television studios are offering, for a limited time only, another test.

That's right, tell your friends and come on by, because this week and this week only, we're going to up the stakes here and put the questions out to you and all your peeps.

First question, essay response, counts two points towards your final grade.  Please limit essays to no more than one sentence.

1. Worth a zillion points*: During the days of social stratification, big chickens everywhere were said to be at the bottom of the heap.  This is a downright lie, and a fowl mockery of my brethren to boot.  Social commentary aside, I would now like to bring to you the Truth About Social Stratification: As Told By Your Big Chicken.  However, time doesn't permit, so you'll need to do your own homework on this one, and just forego the lecture.  No, I'll forego the lecture.  Wait a minute, I'm getting confused here.  Nevermind, just HURRY UP AND FINISH YOUR STUDYING BECAUSE THE TIME IS A'RUNNING OUT AND HOW DO YOU EVER EXPECT TO GET A DECENT JOB WITHOUT A COLLEGE EDUCATION ANYWAY UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEEPS WHO WERE ABLE TO DO IT NOTWITHSTANDING?  (Your big, hunky chicken is not one of those peeps.  Not yet, anyway, hen-ce, the college education.  BTW, I was trying to get another chicken reference in there with the hyphenated "hence."  Didja catch that?  Do ya think I'm trying too hard this morning?  Listen, if you think I'm trying too hard this morning, shoot me an email over at zbigchicken at gmail dot com or leave a comment here at the end of the post and let me know.  Who knows, you may be the Lucky Winner of a Trip to a Potluck Slash Gamenight with Z'bigchicken and Crew!  But only  if you aren't critical, because RIGHT NOW I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT.  Oh, hey, I just thought of another chicken reference...I could say "lay off."  Get it?  Lay off.  That's pretty cute.  Okay, back to the exam.  So, cut it out you guys because I need to FOCUS already.)


Question One on zbigchicken Blog's Final Exam.  Here today, on the blog.  (Continued from above the preceding diatribe.)

1. In the Third Edition of Big Chicken's Social Stratification - An In-Depth Look at Class Structure and Hierarchical Systems and How They Affect Modern Poultry Production, the Big Chicken maintained that there are clearly defined separations that form distinct boundaries among groups in modern American culture, and that the roles of each "class" within this structure were apparent, even to the layman (get it?  another chicken reference).  Define the the concept of "class," expand the boundaries to include the rest of the world, give a detailed discussion of each culture's view of class and hierarchical systems, and name the theory - all in one sentence.  (Be sure to make it a sentence that isn't a run-on sentence, because you know how I feel about those.  Of course, my assistant will probably be the one managing the grading anyway, but still, just humor me, okay?  I've been working hard all semester and could sure use some time to just...."lay"....around.)

Your,
(Um, hmmmm, what sort of chicken shall I be today?  I know!  You can fill in the blank for me!  Aw, gee, thanks, that's so nice of you!  Here - I'll even put a nice space for you to write me in as the candidate for supreme ruler of the universe, no, I mean , the adjective.  Which gives me another idea, then, for the adjective.  I'm going to try something new here, so tell me what you think.  Which one looks better?)

Your,
___________ Chicken (this is the one where you do my work for me by filling in the blank) OR

Your,
Adjectival Chicken+*
 
*I realize I changed the point structure arbitrarily and without notice, but I can do that.  I tell you, the power of the blog never ceases to amaze me.

+*Does this second one make my thighs look fat?

More Nuggets of Wisdom From Yours Truly

Hello Everyone and welcome back to my blog.  I was just re-reading a post from the other day and realized that I promised to post here for all of you some more of my highly refined "Nuggets of Wisdom."  So, here goes:

1. Always watch out for where you step, especially when you are barefoot in the barnyard.   I cannot stress that enough.***

2. Get your homework done on time, and then buy mine that I have for sale right here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/12/homework-for-sale.html You know what?  That one is probably more important than the other one, so make sure you do number two.

3. Flagrant fowls in any sporting event will simply not be tolerated.  Especially not waterfowls, which is undoubtedly a case of segregation, and I'm tired of it.  I mean, really, in this day and age....

4. Make sure you smile at peeps who smile at you, like this one anonymous comment-poster on my blog who left a heart-warming comment at the end of the now-famous Homework for Sale post from yesterday http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/12/homework-for-sale.html

and, finally, the one you've all been waiting for....that's right....number five in a series.....(drum roll please)....

5. Never, ever, ever, tell your blogspot about your website, because that is just asking for trouble. 

***Here, since it is very important, I will put it in bold italics, which will hopefully serve to stress the importance of this particular nugget. Always watch out for where you step, especially when you are barefoot in the barnyard. Hm, I am thinking that was probably overstated, and could therefore be construed as presumptuous, so I'll tone it down a little.

Here-------> Always watch out for where you step, especially when you are barefoot in the barnyard.

Ahhhh, that's better.

Oh, and BTW: Get your homework done on time, and then buy mine that I have for sale right here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/12/homework-for-sale.html

Your,
Presumptuous Chicken
(Listen, I'm not trying to look presumptuous or cocky by typing in bold, italicized text, I am just unwilling to go change the font settings this late in the game.  Thanks, I knew you'd understand.)
  

Homework for Sale!

I have here some genuine, just-finished and completely worked out intermediate algebra problems.   These beautiful images are original pencil drawings on 20-lb weight photocopier paper. 

Note: Some of the problems were erased and re-worked, which, while lending a sense of forward motion to each piece, is also reminiscent of traditional smudge art, thereby blending these wonderful renditions of rational equations and quadratic functions with a boldness that finally breaks down the barriers between Science and the Humanities.  Next week, I tackle god.

So, act now to purchase these truly timeless works of art and science.

Dimensions: 8.5 x 11"

Single Image -
With Frame: $295.00 USD
Without Frame: $14.95, plus shipping and handling.

Discount available for bulk purchase listed as follows.
Full Series (Six  Images) -
With Individual Frames: $1,000.00 USD
Without Frames: $60.00

Pictures available upon request.

How Many Chickens Does It Take to Cross the Road?

Apparently there are more chickens in my psyche than I ever realized, because the main character, or protagonist, in my chicken skate film is not at all like this chicken here on the blog or as described on the "About Me and Contact" page a few months back.  However, since I do like playing around with this character, too, I am just going to leave this all up here and keep rolling with this guy as well, at least on the blog.  Who knows, maybe he'll make a special guest appearance in the film or something, so stay tuned!

Hey, did I tell you about my up-coming e-book?  It's a free e-book, written by this zany blog-postin' chicken.  I, J.L. Godwin, am acting as editor of z'book, and shall have it published electronically for you all just as soon as I can finish deciphering his deplorable (you see what's coming here, don't you?....) chicken scratch. 

What I Have Learned Thus Far

You know, I was thinking that it's almost anniversary time here at zbigchicken blog, because I've been doing this chicken business for nigh on four months now.  So, as a way to thank all of you for your continued interest, I have decided to share, or bestow upon you, some nuggets of wisdom.  Here you go.  Oh, and by the way...you're welcome. 

(Ahem)

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED THUS FAR

If there's one thing I've learned in all my months of blogging, it's that kookaburra birds are crazy.  And possessive.  At least some of them are.  Not that I'm one to make broad generalizations based upon interactions with a few (namely, one), but I think it's probably pretty safe to say, in the most conservative way and after much critical examination, that the whole genus is a bit "cracked," if you follow me. 

What else have I learned?  ....hmmm...what is it that I've learned?  Hold on a sec, I need to think about this.  Listen, tell you what, I'll go consider this some more and then get back to you on it.  Maybe tomorrow.  Or the next day.  So, stay tuned for more nuggets of wisdom from yours truly.

Yours. Truly.
z'very big chicken

Some Kookaburras are Just Plain Cuckoo

Wow, just cruised by the Pageviews Stats page and saw that I've had over two thousand page views since I started this thing in August.  That's a lot!  So, a big Thank You to all of you peeps who have been reading this and especially to those of you who are contributing your time and efforts to such a strangely odd endeavor.  This soon-to-be-classic-chicken-skate-film-in-the-making is a lot of fun, and I hope that one day we can all laugh or hoot or guffaw or what-have-you at this wonderful, wonderful film. (snicker)

Oh, hey, remember that apparently mentally unsettled kookaburra bird who's been hounding me to be her boyfriend for as long as I can remember, which is yesterday or maybe a couple of  days before? (If not, you can read up a little in the comments section of this post here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/11/anhinga-love.html )  That chick is crazy.  Did you see number 5?  Ew.  I guess all those trans-oceanic flights have finally taken their toll and just sent her right over the edge.  That's right, ladies and wheat germs, that little kookaburra bird is now cuckoo.

Speaking of which, did you know that there is a cuckoo that is native to the Sonoran Desert Region of this Our Great Land?  There really is.  And if you want to read something funny, click on this link(http://www.gf.state.az.us/w_c/edits/documents/Coccamoc.fi.pdf ) to read the Arizona Game and Fish Department's riveting "Classification, Nomenclature, Description, Range" page for this, the Western Yellow-billed Cuckoo, and read what's written in the "Aids to Identification" section.  Then call me and we'll practice saying that together.  BTW, I am thinking of enabling video conferencing on my blog or website.

Your,
Technologically-Enhanced Chicken

 

Anhinga Love

So, how do you tell if an Anhinga is interested?  I know that with the males, they get into this breeding plumage that includes a bright blue circle of color around the eye (an eye ring), but, dude, what about the chicks?  Anyway, lately this not knowing if someone is interested has been like the bane of my egg-sistence.  And honestly, I haven't been wanting to put myself out there on the dating scene.  Well, I do, but I'm scared.  Why?  A few reasons.  One, because I'm chicken.  Two, because I have a very fragile egg-o.  And three, because sometimes I feel like chicks just don't understand me.  Perhaps I'm too complex.  You know, what with the whole "trying to hide what it is that I really want" game.  As in, I am going to talk with you and pretend like I am listening while you talk to me about things that are important to you, and then I am going to try to act sincere, and like I care about how you feel, and then I'm going to maybe give you something, a token, of how strongly I feel about you, something like a ring maybe (hmmm, I wonder if chicks might dig it if I wore a blue eye ring, like those male Anhingas, the show-offs), or at least some dinner and then you could come hang out at my coop for a little while and then I would never want to see you again.  That's really what I wanted, I just didn't want to say so. Oh, and in case I don't have any dates lined up for next weekend, perhaps I'd want to see you again then, but only in that particular case.  Otherwise, I don't know you.

Why don't chicks understand that about me?

I'm thinking of a love song for my new beloved.  No, wait!  It's a poem.  Here goes:

Anhinga, anhinga,
my lord you look divine,
Anhinga, anhinga,
I wish you would be mine,
and by the way,
do you have any friends?
Why?
Just askin'.

Your,
"Sure I'm monogamous, baby" Chicken

Homework and Anhinga

Oh, hey, guess what?  That one peep who offered to do my homework is back - thank bug!  How exciting, although, the comment they left did sound a little ominous....(http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/08/needed-someone-to-do-my-homework-for-me.html)  Anything to do with child support for my lil' chickies sends me spinning, I must say.

I am digging life today, Ladies and Wheat Germs.  You know why?  I'll tell you.  I just got the latest edition of Outdoor Alabama Magazine in the mail.  That's right, Alabama's PREMIER outdoor nature and wildlife magazine (http://www.dcnr.state.al.us/), and do you know what they had?  An article about Anhingas.  Anybirdy out there know what an Anhinga is?  No?  Well, then you've come to the right place, my fine, feathered, fowl-mouthed friend, because Anhingas, also known as snake birds, are long-necked birds you can find in the southeastern United States that swim with most of their bodies submerged.  They are so freakin' fine, I wish I could date one.

So if you or anyone you know has a friend who is single and an Anhinga, please let me know at zbigchicken at gmail dot com.

Thanks.
Your,
Single Chicken

Spider Rap Song and a Quickie

Hello everyone and welcome back to my blog!  Thanks for visiting and for keeping the place warm for me while I did some work preparing for a math test and various other homework assignments, which I had to do because that one cute comment-poster who offered to do my homework never got back to me about it.  Almost makes me think they were just kidding.  Not that I would actually have someone else do my homework!

Hey, did everyone see that cool spider rap song that that one anonymous comment-poster left here?  It was a fine piece of work, and can be viewed in the comments section here.  http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/10/politicians-arachnids-and-paper-napkins.html

One day, I hope to set that to music, and play it for all those peeps out there who dig these songs about creatures with exoskeletons.  Oooooo, you know what, that reminds me of the large hadron collider rap song.  Have you seen that?  Wayyyy cool.  Here you go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j50ZssEojtM

Oh, you know what I just remembered to tell you guys about?  I went to the El Tour de Tucson bicycling race this weekend, and wow, the chicks there were fit! http://www.pbaa.com/!ETT/ETThome.html


Hmmm, you know what's on my mind these days?  Monogamy.  Hold on, let me go learn how to spell that. Okay, that's right.  Anyhoo, the primary reason I am thinking of it is, well, because this one blog that I've been seeing since August asked me if I'd be monogamous, and I lied and, "Sure."  Well, what else was I supposed to do?  Tell her about my website?  I don't think so!**

By the way, my day job is really interfering with my playing chicken.  In fact, I keep asking myself, "J_____" when are you gonna get serious about this chicken?"  Which is pretty funny, especially considering that I have been working on the storyboard for the film, I just haven't been blogging daily for a little while, so there's that one part of the brain that A.) Tells me to take this fictitious chicken seriously and B.) Berates me when I don't do it.  Anyhow, oh, another thing I worked on last night is the little video of my nefarious ex telling a story about me a couple of weeks back at the Odyssey Storytelling Event in Tucson.  I am cutting out all of the lies, and getting ready to post it on my zbigchicken YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/zbigchicken where you can also see the Big Time Winner of the "Who is That Big Honkin' Chicken?!" Contest

Your,
Serious-Minded Chicken

PS-Happy holidays everyone!  I am going to this one peep's house, and you know what I'm making?  Chicken dressing.  It's an old family recipe.  Yes, I know it's barbaric, but it's also delicious.

**I hope she isn't reading any of this.

Winners of the "Who Is That Big Chicken?" Contest!

Congratulations to these funny peeps, whose entry has won the "Who IS That Big Chicken?" Contest on my blog!  You can see the video on the brand new zbigchicken channel on YouTube!  Thanks for playing!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ay8ybUJkPeQ

Your,

Big, Happy Chicken

The "Who Is That Big Chicken?" Contest!

Hello Everyone and welcome back to my blog.  This is a somber day for chickens everywhere, as one of my new audience members just gave me the ol' "you'd better crack me up, or else..." sort of an ultimatum, so now I am a chicken AND I am under pressure.  THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF CHICKEN THAT IS THE GOOD KIND.  Hey, if I am a chicken under pressure, does that mean that my goose is cooked?  So, remember in that post I wrote the other day where I was thinking about maybe trying out some kinder, gentler chicken roles?  Lie.  That was yet another lie, courtesy of me, The Very Big C.  I realize the last couple of thoughts there were unrelated to the first, therefore breaking the rules that usually apply to paragraphs everywhere, but I'm leaving it just like that, and I absolutely refuse to put a hard return, and therefore space, between those thoughts, because I am an ornery chicken.  And today, I am also feeling a bit...cocky.

Oh, guess what?  It is contest time on my blog again!  That's right.  So here's the back story first.  For some time now, people have been asking me, "Who are you, really, zbigc?  I mean, under that mask, are you a real person, or are you, as that one weird comment-poster said that one time, really some sort of a mad chicken scientist who attaches pieces and parts in new and exciting ways?"*_*

Truth is, Everyone, I am a little bit of both.  Which is poor grammar, true, because "each" would be better, but just because this is my blog, I am going to leave that there.  Next, I am going to solicit chickens from the audience.

Are YOU a Big Chicken?!  Do you KNOW a Big Chicken?  Have you ever in your life SEEN someone that you thought maybe could enter the running to BE a Big Chicken?  Well, now is your chance to get a little taste of the power and glory that comes from being online!  That's right, you too, can be an online presence, in an incredibly wholesome and satisfying and funny sort of a way.  So, here it is everyone, The One, The Only "Who Is That Big Chicken?" Contest!  

Here are the rules:
There are none.  ISN'T THAT GREAT?!

Here's how we play:
If you are a big chicken, or you know a big chicken, or if you've ever seen anyone who you thought might be able to enter the running to be a big chicken, let me know!  You can do so a couple of ways, either by

1. Emailing me at zbigchicken at gmail dot com or by
2. Posting a comment on my blog (you can choose to do so anonymously if you are REALLY and TRULY a big chicken, and if you would absolutely wither from embarrassment should anyone see something you've written, just let me know and send me fifty dollars and I won't publish it.  Just kidding, I would, plus then I would have your fifty dollars.  But try it anyhow, okay, because today I might keep my word.  I know that would be a little out of character for me, but you could try it and see.  Hey, you know what?  You really should try it, you know why?  Because remember when someone sometime told you that you should give people the benefit of the doubt?  They were talking about situations such as these***

Your,
Contest-Havin' Chicken



*_* No one has ever actually asked me this, but this is my blog, and so, therefore, I can say what I want to, even if it isn't true.  Oh, and plus, I can mispell words too.  The power of a blogspot is unlike any I have felt before.  Unrivaled by riches, or fame, or, or, well, any of those other things that peeps go after.  Like groceries.  Yeah, that's it, the power of my blog is unrivaled by the power of a full larder.  (Listen, it's late, and I'm tired - no, I'm not really, I'm just lying to try to get out of work.  Again.)

***They were not.  You know why I do this?  To encourage the reading of footnotes.  I cannot stress to you enough the importance of reading footnotes (especially on my blog).  Oh, have you ever gotten mail with a special offer that had an asterisk indicating a footnote somewhere in the text, usually like right after they named the price, and then you go to look for the referenced footnote that would apply and there is nothing there?  That kind of stuff is brilliant.  Just a brilliant tactical manuever.   Speaking of which, if anyone spots the mis-spelled words today, you get extra bonus points, subject to the referenced terms and conditions, plus a 10% discount.* 

Social Media

Know what I think would be neat?  Anti-social media.  I think that it would be cool to have my own anti-social media site, and then when peeps go visit it and view profiles and so forth, they could have neat buttons to choose from that would be similar to "like," but would be more like "hate."  That way, you could get a pretty good idea of who your enemies are right from the start.

Oh, hey, speaking of social media, you may have noticed that I am now one of your peeps on Facebook.  That's right, readers, chicken that I am, I still managed to find it within myself to go put myself out there on the FB platform for everyone to see.  Here is what I wrote in my first "Personal Interests" statement.  I hope they don't have any rules about honesty on there.

"Roller skating.  Chicks.  Oh, also roller-blading. Hm, what else?  Making people laugh.  Bugs.  Glycogen and other molecules...Just kidding, Ladies!  I don't really like algebra or science, man, those subjects are for geeks!  hahaha  (ok, in all honesty, really, I do like them, I was just scared you would think I was a geek [chicken-suit aside], and I don't know yet if I want to be honest here in this, my first "Personal Interests" statement on Facebook, or if I should start out by lying about what it is I like in order to try to impress the chicks.  Now I'm confused.  Doggone it, why is it that trying to be honest always turns into some sort of a dilemma?  At times like these, I just have to ask myself, "Is it really worth it?")"

Your,
Big, Lying Chicken

Odyssey Storytelling Event and Homework

Hi Everyone and Welcome Back to the Pluckiest Blog on the Planet!  First I wanna send a big shout-out to all my peeps who showed up at the Odyssey Storytelling Event last night.  It was a great show!  Thanks for coming out.

Also, a big "Thank You!" to Penelope Starr and Adam Hostetter for all the work they do organizing these storytelling events, and for giving my "ex" a chance to talk about me on stage.  They have some fun themes coming up, so be sure to check them out here http://www.storyartsgroup.org/odyssey/Odyssey/Odyssey.html

Then, I have some exciting news for you all, and that is this: SOMEONE HAS FINALLY OFFERED TO DO MY HOMEWORK FOR ME!  Truly, this is a great day for chickens everywhere, so I would just like to thank "Anonymous," who so graciously offered to do my homework for me.  Thank you.  Truly, Anonymous, thou art a Friend to Chickens Everywhere, and I don't bestow that title upon just anyone.  (For those of you who may not be "in the know," you can do a little catchin' up on the back story here: http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/08/needed-someone-to-do-my-homework-for-me.html )

You know what else?  I am thinking that I wish to shake things up a bit here on this blog that I created to explore character development, as there are some other chickens emerging from the nether regions of my brain.  So, if you have been following for a while, or if you're new to this game, get ready, because I may actually have a chicken for you with a sweet disposition, or something CRAZY like that.  Woo-hoo.

This is your big zesty chicken, signing off with my first-time, signature
"Cackle, cackle, cackle"
Squawk...squawk...bk-bcawk!

Odyssey Storytelling Event in Tucson, Arizona - Tonight!

Tonight's the night!  That's right, tonight's the night my Ex is going to probably blab about all of my most embarrassing qualities at that Odyssey Storytelling Event, I'm sure of it. 

Ah, well, c'est la vie, right?

Still, after all she's done to me, I still kind of like her.  I wonder if she'd get back together with me?  Hmmmm.  How can I date both her and my costume designer while professing to each that I am a one-woman man?  I mean, bird.  These are the kinds of questions that torment your poor chicken.  Poor, poor chicken.

See you tonight!
Your,

Poor, poor, chicken

PS-Am I gettin' any sympathy with this?

Odyssey Storytelling Event in Tucson - Tomorrow Night

Hi Everyone!  Just a reminder that my ex is going to be a storyteller tomorrow night in Tucson, Arizona.

So, mark your calendars for the Odyssey Storytelling Event, where you can stand up for my rights against my evil, nefarious ex.

See you there!  You know why?  Bk-bk-bkcause I am going.  That's right, I have decided that I will be there, just to make sure she only says nice things about me.  I'll just go in a disguise is all, that way, she won't recognize me, and then the restraining order won't apply, right?

zverybigc

My Ex is telling a story and I would love to have you in the audience ~

ODYSSEY STORYTELLING brings together an eclectic collection of storytellers for entertainment and inspiration.

This month’s theme: “MASKS: THE HIDDEN IDENTITY SHOW”

Thursday, Nov 4, 2010 at 7 PM (doors open at 6:30)

CLUB CONGRESS, 311 E. Congress

Tickets $7 at the door

To be sure to get a reserved seat buy your tickets online:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/69426  

for more info visit www.odysseystorytelling.com

Spider Rap Song Winner, My Nefarious Ex, and Facebook

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back Once Again to the Wildest, Corniest Blog on the Planet!  Since I wrote to you last, we have had visitors to z'blog including peeps from Bangladesh, so a big Welcome!

Just a quick note to let you all know that we have a brand new Big Chicken Contest Winner!

That's right, folks, we here at Big Chicken Studios would like to congratulate Anonymous for the original Spider Rap Song they composed and posted as a comment at the end of this blog post here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/10/politicians-arachnids-and-paper-napkins.html


So here, for your reading pleasure, is the original Spider Rap Song, by Anonymous -

"two four six or eight spider swingers are really great watch m swing m watch roll right in to their spider hole where they sit and watch and wait with all those eyes for a bug to terrorize im a sugga for you im a sugga for you hey you wanna come over for dinner my treat"

Congratulations, Anonymous!  When I decide what you've won, I'll let you know.  And if you all want a nice accompaniment (did I spell that right?) to the spider rap song, check out this great little song about bugs that was yet another Big Chicken Contest Winner.  http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/1/949825?did=1965997

Thanks for playing, Everyone!

Also, someone claiming to be my Ex wrote a comment on this post here, but I seriously doubt it was her because, last I heard, she didn't know how to read.**  I went ahead and responded just in case though, because she scares me.*  (You can read her snide comments here at the end of this post http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/10/odyssey-storytelling-event-tucson.html )

Your,

Big Ol' World-Travelin' Chicken

PS-Oh, hey you guys, I just remembered!  Didja notice anything new about my blog?  Didja?  No?  It's the Facebook thingie!  Now you can go "Like" me on Facebook.  Isn't that cool?  I know!

**That is a straight-up lie I use to feel superior.

*That is true.

Odyssey Storytelling Event - Tucson, Arizona

Welcome to peeps from Slovenia and Greece!  Thanks for stopping by my blog.  Hope you come back to grab some more corny humor real soon.

This Just In -  My ex is going to be a storyteller next week, and I need you all to show up and make sure that she only says nice things about me.  Or, if she does end up telling the truth, that you convince any cute chicks in the audience later that all she said was a bunch of lies, lies, lies.  Thanks.  Will I be there?  No way!  Why?  Well, there's the restraining order, for one.  Then, I still owe her and her mom some money, so that's two.  Oh, and I think she said once that if she ever saw me again she would pluck out all of my tail feathers.  Doesn't sound pleasant, so I'm not risking it.  She is such a brute!  A real bear.  Sort of like that one bear that won't give me any money to pursue my dream, and if you don't know what I mean by that, see the following:

The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken, featuring Two Small Bears, followed by An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska, which is Part One-A of a Series

The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7248099/

An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7442319/

So, once you've done all of that and hopefully laughed a good one and then written up a full report and sent it on over to me at
zbigchicken at gmail dot com ,
then, mark your calendars for the Odyssey Storytelling Event, where you can stand up for my rights against my evil, nefarious ex.

Verily, I thank thee.

Your Big Indignant Chicken

My Ex is telling a story and I would love to have you in the audience ~

 

ODYSSEY STORYTELLING brings together an eclectic collection of storytellers for entertainment and inspiration.

This month’s theme: “MASKS: THE HIDDEN IDENTITY SHOW”

 

Thursday, Nov 4, 2010 at 7 PM (doors open at 6:30)

CLUB CONGRESS, 311 E. Congress

Tickets $7 at the door

To be sure to get a reserved seat buy your tickets online:  http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/69426  

 

for more info visit www.odysseystorytelling.com

 

Getcher Big Chicken Film Clips - Right Here!

(For those of you who don't like to read words, the links to the films are down a little ways.  yer pal, zbc)

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to the Blog that Everyone is Talking about, Worldwide - the Big Chicken Radio-Promisin', Undeliverin', zbigchicken.  Great News for You Today!

Tonight (depending on your timezone, or, through the miracle of time travel, whatever time it happens to be when you visit this blog and happen upon this particular post) we have for you the next in a series (nevermind that it's labeled One-A, we're still going to call it the next in a series, because there was another fabulous film clip already done, but I'm getting ahead of myself here) the next in a series of First Ever Film Clips for Chicken, featuring two small bears as "The Chickens."  We're not sure how the bears feel about that, but perhaps some insight can be shed upon this scene as we take you now to the set.  So sit back, relax, and enjoy the zany shows.  Should take you about ten minutes to watch all of it, so don't get too comfortable.  Just comfortable enough. You probably won't want to invest the time in popping up any corn for this one, though, because cumulatively, the time invested here is going to be pretty short, but that's to your favor, really, because then, after, it'll give you time to forward the links on to all of your friends, even the really busy ones, because then they can laugh at this funny stuff, too, and then later, say, over the course of the next few weeks, you guys can all laugh about what you've seen here and say things like, "Oh, yeah, remember that one part when the Big Chicken was trying to get money from the town of Chicken, Alaska, but then that one bear wouldn't give it to him?  That was so funny.  That Big Chicken.  He is such a goofball.  But a real ladies' man.  How does he do that?  I wish he could teach me."

Oh, hey, you know what I just thought of that would be a great idea and a perfect way for me to earn some extra income?  I could make a television series for you that I play online that could show you all how to be a real ladies' man.  In the meantime, here are some links to videos on Xtranormal that my associate and I have prepared for all of you.

Thank you.
Your Directorially Debuting
Chicken

So, here it is everyone!  For your viewing pleasure.  The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken, featuring Two Small Bears, followed by An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska, which is Part One-A of a Series!

The First Ever Film Clip for Chicken
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7248099/

An Interview With the Town of Chicken, Alaska
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7442319/

Oh, For the Love of Bug Already

I wonder where that other Big Chicken got his costume?  He's probably going to be a little jealous when he sees mine.

Hey, Other Big Chicken, could you come here a minute?  Listen, I know you've had your costume for a while (how long have you been wearing that thing?  Because you're pretty ripe.  Hey, nothing personal!  Your pheromones just evidently aren't my type, is all.  Plus, I still cannot tell your gender.  A little help, please?), and you're probably pretty attached to it and all, but I just wanna give you a heads-up here that my costume is going to so blow yours out of the water.  You know why?  Because my costume designer is creative!  (And cute.)  And plus, I think she knows karate, SO DON'T MESS WITH HER!  Oh, yeah, and one other thing - I love her.  Don't tell her I said that, though, because I'm trying to play mind games with her by acting like I'm not interested in her at all.  Which reminds me, Other Big Chicken (or, can I call you OBC for short?  Not trying to be presumptuous or anything, just stating my preference in the form of a question - tryin' to getcha to like me.), if you really don't like it that those ladies in your office are asking you out (what is your problem?), I just want to stress here that it's totally okay for you to give them my url (zbigchicken.blogspot.com) and my email (zbigchicken at gmail dot com). 

What do you mean, what would the costume designer I purportedly profess to love think about my soliciting what would probably be saucy contact from the peeps in your office?  That's none of your beeswax! (wax is non-polar, and therefore not only insoluble but also hydrophobic, meaning that it doesn't "like" water*+* - AHHHHH!  Oh, No!  It's biology again, creeping back into my consciousness.   "Biology - the real silent killer," as far as I'm concerned.  And for those of you who have no idea what I'm referring to here, I am taking an introductory biology course, and yes, this is what happens when your mind explodes.  You get this - stream of consciousness oozing from the, oh, man, I was about to say the Crack in the Cosmic Egg, but I just remembered that that was the title of a book I saw years ago.  Has anyone read that book?  Could you tell me what it's about?  Also, if you're willing to do that for me, could you also then please DO THAT FREAKING HOMEWORK THAT I KEEP TRYING TO ASK YOU ABOUT?)

Oh, and one more thing.  Have you ever seen a reigning chess queen who is also a model?  http://chessqueen.com/ Boom, chicka chicka, is what I'm saying.  Only problem is, she's obviously smarter than I am, which presents a real problem as far as certain things go.  Namely, the costume designer I profess to love coupled with the ladies from that one peep's office.  Oh, hey, Other Big Chicken, you still here?  Good.  Listen, what would you think about maybe hooking me up with one of those chicks in your office?  We could make it a double date.  Whaddaya say?

Thanks,
Your Primary Card-Holding Big Awesome Chicken

*+*Water is a polar molecule, meaning that it has a charge, and that is from the electrons in the outermost shell spending most of their time near the stronger positive charge of the oxygen atom as opposed to the weaker positive charge of the hydrogen atoms (of which, there are two) which is due to there being more protons in the atomic nucleus of the AHHHHHHHHHHH!  STOP!!!! STOP!!!!! DEAR BUG, FOR THE LOVE OF CLARITY, MISINFORMATION, AND PARADIGMS - MAKE IT STOPPPPPPPPPP.


Oh, and This Just In:

Pageviews by Operating Systems yesterday were up by 3 with the addition of iPhone and Blackberry.  I had no idea that they were operating systems, so there it happens, once again, I do my best to try not to learn anything on this, my day off, and it's ruined.  Totally ruined.  Well, look on the bright side.  At least it's only an assumption.  I mean, it's not like I actually went out and looked it up and researched it or anything, oh, heavens no! 

One more thing, didja notice that I said "up by 3," but then only mentioned two?  This is why I asked the accountant person who posted the comment on yesterday's blog post to do my, I mean, to help me with my math homework.  The accountant person who is also purported to be a Big Chicken.

Got Me One O'Them Day Jobs

(Shoulda been the title for yesterday's post, but, moving on....)

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to Big Chicken Programming - The Only Radio Show We've Ever Promised to You Yet Without Delivering.

Today's show starts out with a big "Welcome!" to all of the new peeps visiting this blog today from Australia, Brazil, Hong Kong, Portugal and Turkey!  Glad you're all here with me near the finish line of the First Annual Southeastern-most-ish but Mostly Southern Migration of Yours Truly.  This Big Chicken, while enjoying the cyber-travels that can easily carry him from port to port information-wise, also greatly looks forward to the day when he can begin his worldwide migration, although technically he (that would be me, but I love the smack of royalty that third person referrals give, and I think I mentioned that before, but nobody has yet prostrated before me, so I figured you all just forgot.  It's okay if you did, I won't hold that against you.  This time.  Just please try to be a little more thoughtful where I'm concerned in the future, because you know how sensitive I am.  That's right, Ladies, I am sensitive.**   I am one sensitive dude, who really cares about your thoughts and feelings and cup-size.  Mainly your cup-size, and not your thoughts and feelings.  But I care, and I care greatly.  Heyyyyy, speaking of which - what is your cup-size?  Mine is a 12-ounce.  I was talking about coffee cups!  What were you thinking about?) did travel through Canadian waters during his recent trip, or south-bound excursion, rather.

That's right, everyone, Canadian waters.  Waters known to be cold and filled with interesting creatures such as dolphins and whales.  Many, many types of  whales.  Whales which scare your big fancy chicken because they are so very big.  And plus, they are able to survive in cold water.  How do they do that?  Perhaps it has something to do with lipids, a thought that crosses this chicken's mind due to an interesting introductory course in biology that he is now taking, which is why he has recently begun using words like covalent and speaking of polarity and so forth.  It's really very interesting to think that some people out there actually understand this stuff, rather than just memorizing some words related to processes.  What does this last bit have to do with the whales in Canadian waters?  We don't know, but we continue to bring this to you, ladies and gentlemen, because we do care.** 

This is your big educated chicken, saying, "Get a job!"  Just kidding!  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  So, this is your big ensconced chicken, saying, "Come on by and sit a spell.  You tell me about your ma and pa, and I'll tell you a yarn about a whale."  Speaking of yarn, there's a lady I saw who was making some with a spinning wheel http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9nCwjMbbDk The kind of yarn I was talking about, though, in regards to the whale (remember?) was a story.  Not a line of twisted fibers used to build fabrics and so forth, much like the amino acid sequences that form proteins and, ahhhhhhh!  Oh, no!  The biology class is seeping in!  Permeating my consciousness with all its devilry.  Back, ye fowl demons of science!  Back with ye to the primordial ooze from whence ye sprang.

Your,
Spastic Chicken

**This is a straight-up lie I use to get the chicks.

PS-Just so you know - Pageviews by Operating Systems today were down to one.  That one - was Windows.  So, let's give a hand, Everyone, to the Only Operating System to Access This Blog Yet Today!  And if you are a Linux user or a big Mac daddy who wants to get in on today's game, then bring it on, my fair feathered friend.  'Cause I'll race ya.

PPS-Hey, anybody who wants a piece of me can tell me so one of two ways, or both. 
1. Post a comment on my blog.  Choose anonymous if you wish, and if you don't want it published, just say so.
2. Send me an email at zbigchicken at gmail dot com .  Love, Your Big Chicken

PPS-Could someone do my homework for me, please?*-  I'm trying to make a show here.  Thanks.

*-Just kidding.  I know I'm supposed to do that myself, and I would never ever ever seriously consider having someone else do my work for me.  Ever. 

PPPS-Could someone clarify what I might mean by the word "ever," please?  Thanks.

Big Chicken Theme Music

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back Once Again to Big Chicken Radio, where your great big chicken skate movie endeavor is growing exponentially. Wow, just heard the Big Chicken Theme music and am really excited.  As some friends of the chicken said, "That sounds like a big chicken on skates!"  Hahaha, those friends are really something.  Else.  Entirely.***  It is great to hear what the composer has been up to, and get to have first crack at the listening pleasure of these really happenin' tunes.  Plus, it's just really exciting to see this whole chicken skate thing rolling right along.  It's inspiring to see what the people involved in this are doing.  Helps keep me smiling even when I'm freaking out a little bit at my day job. 

Yes, that's right, Ladies and Wheat Germs, your big fancy chicken has himself a day job, and it isn't the rewarding kind, either - unless, of course, you count the money.  Which always helps.  Actually, I'm lying to you again.  There it was - lie!  That was a lie.  Because my day job is very rewarding, and I love it and am happy to do it and I always have a great attitude at work.  Lie!  That was another lie.  Doing it again.  (Gotta call myself out on that stuff or it develops into a pattern.**)

So, while I'm at "work," I like to think of things that will annoy some people, and things that will attract others, but do you know what?  I seem to be using those techniques on the wrong peeps, for example, annoying the people I want to attract, and attracting the people I want to annoy.  Why does this stuff happen?  Pheromones, I bet.  Those little, seemingly innocuous chemicals are responsible for so many things. Perhaps one of these days, you and I and all the wonderful visitors to this, my chicken coop in cyber-space, can learn more about chemical reactions in the body.  So stick around, and keep coming back,*+ and thanks for being here.  Over and out.

Your Magnanimous, Logarithmic*,
Chicken

***Would have to be, of course, seeing as how they are my friends.

*Could someone explain logarithms to me, please?   I have been wanting to use that word for ages, but have purposely avoided learning what it really is because, frankly, any term that sounds even close to rhythm scares me.  Yeah, you remember that funky chicken?  I am not him, nor am I affiliated.  Even though I did sign a post here on my blog once with something like, "Your Big Funky Chicken."  But that doesn't mean anything.  That was just a group of words, and we all know how meaningless those can be. 

Speaking of which, have you ever said a word so many times that it lost all meaning?  That's sort of like meditation, right?  Here, let's try this - together:
words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words words okay, there it was, right there.  That last time I wrote it (typed, rather), it lost meaning.  Not in a depressing way!  Just in an interesting sort of a "change in perception that could lead to an alternate reality" way.

*+So I can keep lying to you and promising things that I don't deliver.  But then, also, deliver some things to you that I never promised.   Which just makes things so much more interesting overall. 

Time Zones and Singles Ads

Good morning everyone in my same time zone!  Afternoon and evening to all the rest.  How are you all today? Well, I hope, and the same for your families and friends and business associates.  Exciting news from your Big Handsome Chicken - TODAY WE GOT SOME VISITORS TO THE BLOG FROM MEXICO, ITALY, AND MALAYSIA!  That is so awesome!  Listen, all the rest of you are pretty darn cool, too, so don't think for a minute that I'm forgetting about you, because I know it's become important for you now to know that your big hunky chicken is thinking of you in all sorts of nice ways.

Before we get started with today's program, my assistant** asked me to remind you about something------->(Getcher Cyber-Chicken Theater Tickets, this-a-ways http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/p/cyber-chicken-theater-tickets.html  They help support me in my work here, which is bringing fun stuff to you.  Thank you.)

Hey, so would any of you be interested in a book authored by your big fancy chicken?  Because I would gladly say that I would do that for you,*+ especially if it would make you like me more, because honestly, and I know I've mentioned this once already, I am really craving some attention these days.  In fact, I'm thinking about posting an online singles ad, because those "friends" of mine just aren't cutting it when it comes to telling me how wonderful I am and how much they love me and all of that.

So, how about this?

Big Hunky, Charismatic, Scientifically-Oriented, Non-GMO Chicken Seeks Opportunity to Form a Covalent Bond.

Stability preferred, but not required.

Some electron sharing.

Polarity a real + + +

About me:  Hi Ladies!  I am a big, hunky, smart, kind, generous, loving, married chicken looking for a LTR with a real sweety who has a heart of gold encased in a massive chest cavity, with plenty of cushion.  Must be kind, loving, tolerant, and slow to anger, with the patience of a, oh, how shall I say this?  A saint.  Needs own car, and moderate to great income.  Please send chest measurements, photos of self and car, and bank statements.  Please also do not white out the bank account numerical sequence on those statements, as there will be a credit check involved in the process.  Oh, and I will be needing your primary identification number as well.

About you:  Again, you need to be smart, kind, loving, and tolerant, with the patience of a saint, the body of a model, a real good-looking car, and plenty of dough.  You must also be willing to share all that you have with me, and to trust me.  I really can't stress that last one enough, as I seem to have had a string of suspicious chicks here of late, and I'm really tired of the headache.  So don't be bringing your crazy around me, 'cause right now, I just can't tolerate it.  Again, you need to be tolerant of me.  And loving and kind.  Plus, you need to do a real good job washing dishes.

Your-
"**I think we all know who the real assistant is here,"
Chicken

*+Did anyone notice that I said I would gladly "say" that I would do that for you?  I didn't say that I would do it, but if we were just having a conversation about this, and it wasn't a printed document, you might leave the interaction with the understanding that I was actually going to do what I said.  And, technically, I am doing what I say, because alls I'm saying is that I will say that I am going to do something.  Which is the truth, but the beauty of this methodology is that it is so like a lie.  Almost...akin to one.  But then, later, when you're mad at me, I can turn right back around and say, "No, I never said I was going to do that.  Why did you think I was going to do that?  You need to listen better.  You've got poor listening skills.  That's gonna be a real impediment if you don't learn how to do that better.  Next time, you need to listen to me."

Responsibility is my Brother's Middle Name, Not Mine

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back Once Again to Big Chicken Radio: the Only Radio Program Brought to You Totally in Print.

This week, on zbigchicken:

Pigs on wheels, flying mammals, Big Chicken Radio (yeah, right, how many times have I heard that one before?  Hey, you don't have to be mean about it.  Okay, alright, enough, already.) bugs, and more insanity - all comin' atcha.  Right here, on the Big Chicken Broadcasting Network.

Hey, remember the other day when I was showing off about having more than one computer monitor?  And how I made a big deal out of it, because it is only like the coolest thing ever?  (Next to me.)  Well, ever since that day, one of the monitors hasn't been working.  Coincidence?  I think not.  No, Viewer, I, a slighted chicken, am here to say before all of you now, that I believe that this is the result of some fowl plan to foil my show and bring about my ultimate demise.  And I bet I know who's behind it and I bet it's that one baby momma who found me once again here on this blog.

(Reminds me, I may need to change this address again soon.  Why?  No reason.  Really.  Okay, fine, one word - garnish.  No, not as in food.  As in wages.  I can't very well let her find out where I'm working again.  Because you know what that would mean.  That I would have to pay money to support all those kids I've been having.  And I am not about to do that.  Are you crazy?  Why should I?  I mean, "What have those kids ever done for me?" is all I'm saying.)

Anyhow, now she's posting comments alleging "performance problems."  ( you can read her scathing comments at the bottom of this post here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/10/big-chicken-radio-world-premier.html)

Let me just be the first to say, Reader, that this is nowhere near the actual truth of the matter.  True, I did give up my long-held dream to be a hill-billy hobo fighter pilot, but it was for her that I did that.  And you would have, too, if you could've seen the miracle of those genetically-modified...thingies.  Everything I did, I did for her.  I gave her all those babies.  I gave up my dream for her.  I went to the store to get her smokes, even though I don't ever have those myself anymore, and even though technically I never got them and brought them back because I just blew out of town because of all those kids and plus I was tired of the all the racket, but anyhow, the idea that I had to go to the store - hey, wait a minute.  I just realized something.  I'm explaining myself here.  And do you know what?  I don't have to.  This is my blog, and I can shirk my familial responsibilities here if I want to.  You know why?  Because this is my man cave, girl, so don't mess with me here again.  I mean it this time.  Don't make me get a restraining order against you, because I will do it.

Your Big Convoluted Chicken-Meister

Big Chicken Radio - World Premier!

Here is the radio show you've been promised for weeks!  The First Ever Edition of Big Chicken Radio - the "Best of Big Chicken."  Stalking, alligator chewing methodologies, and potential hopeless trains of thought - all this and more (or just this) tonight, on the Biggest Chicken Radio News Program Ever.  Also, The First. (big chicken radio program ever.  remember?)

Raw.  Uncut.  Chicken radio.

Where is it?

Crap, I can't upload the file.  I may need to attach it to some video to make it work.

UPDATE!  Nope.  Not yet.  Doggone it.  I was really hoping to have that for you today.  Oh well.  Listen, I have to go.  I have an acupuncture appointment** and then I am going to check out some warehouse space for to practice skating in costume and for film-making purposes, so today I am one psyched chicken, man.  Dig.  I mean, scratch.


The first ever edition of Big Chicken Radio!  Right here, right now.  That's right, folks, getcher raw, uncut chicken.  Right here.  Gah, I am so looking forward to saying that and really meaning it this time.

Oh, hey, while you're waiting for the premier of Big Chicken Radio, which could also be Chicken Public Radio, as I like to call it, or CPR, for short, you can help me block my baby momma by first reading her comments here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/10/if-you-cant-stop-wave.html and then helping me to file a restraining order by emailing me here.  Hey, I wonder if that lawyer who threatened me the other day with my restraining order could help me file one against my baby momma.  Why?  'Cause I don't wanna be paying child support for all those kids.  Are you kidding me?  That's a lot!  Talk about a baker's dozen.  Man.

This is Your Over-Populatin' Chicken, here to say, "How you doin'?"  Chickie chickie bow wowwwwww

**I am not scared of those needles, I am not scared of those needles, I am not scared of those needles, Gaaaa!  Get away from me with those!  Listen, could we just do Shiatsu today?  Please, please, I'll do anything.  I'm not scared.

If You Can't Stop - Wave!

Active hunters.  That was the term I was trying to think of yesterday.  Could someone let my editor know that please?  Thanks.

You may also have noticed in that post from yesterday that I made reference to your looking for jumping spiders while you are in your office.  There was a reason for that.  Namely because, well, do you remember that one time when I said that I had made the decision, after long and thoughtful consideration, to get the Google Blogger Stats Overview Page tattooed (in miniature) on my forehead?  Well, it's because I hover there sometimes.  Just watching the traffic go by.  Occasionally checking out the sunset (it was especially colorful yesterday), or waving when the neighbors go by.  I'm thinking of putting in a porch swing.  Anyhow, what I've found is that you guys don't generally stop by on the weekends.

Which means you're probably reading this at work.  So then my next question (even though the prior sentence was in fact a statement) is, what do you do for a living that you can be reading my long-winded, though terribly funny, blog posts all day at work?  Because I would be up for training for that job.

Speaking of the Google Blogger Stats Overview Page; a brief visit there this morning revealed a visitor from China!  So, Welcome to the Biggest, Most Chicken-y Blog On the Planet...Ever!  I can't remember offhand if China has been a visitor before, and I'm too lazy to use the handy little search box at the top (which is really helpful, btw), so I'm just going to say "welcome!" again, because it never hurts to repeat nice things anyway.  

Your,
Swingin' Chicken

One more thing, the next time you're in my neighborhood, remember: if you can't stop - wave.

PS-There is a tiny spider hanging in front of one of my monitors.  That's right, folks, you heard me right - "one" of my monitors.**  You know why I'm showing off and telling you that?   Because I am so very cool.  Got me some command central happening, right here.  Now do you see why the chicks all dig me?  Because of my crazy, mad, computing skills.  Well, not skills so much as equipment.  Which isn't really mine.  But I get to use it.  For now.

**The computer screen kind, not the lizard kind.  I don't keep Nile monitor lizards in my office.  Or any other type of monitor lizard, for that matter.  We get a horned lizard*-, or a gecko, upon occasion, but so far, no monitors.  They aren't generally seen in these parts.  Not saying they aren't here (because it's pretty amazing what kinds of animals people drop off out in the wild when they're tired of caring for them), just that they aren't generally seen here, is all.

*-I called this one a horned lizard because I'm trying to keep this all professional here, but truly I am a fan of another name they're known by, which is the horny toad. wiki wiki wiki wiki -----> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horned_lizard

Politicians, Arachnids, and Paper Napkins - The Plot Thickens

I'd like to do a stolen paper napkin series about bugs, but I think that the restaurants where I get these great napkins from may not appreciate the possible connections between their establishments and the insect world.  Most places I know of would rather have poison sprayed on a regular basis than have interesting-looking six-legged creatures milling about.  I'm not trying to be critical of the overuse of carcinogenic chemicals in eating establishments, because I know what it's like to deal with bugs, what with that one black widow infestation I lived with at that one house.  Although, technically, black widows are not considered to be true bugs, by anyone who gives a ham.  Rather, they are arachnids.

Hey, you guys wanna learn neat stuff about spiders?  Well go conduct some research or something.  But, if you want some misinformation, then I'm your man, baby.  Okay, all off memory here, because remember how reliable mine is?  Hahaha, I know.  This should be fun.  In fact, let's make it a game, shall we?  After all, I'm not dating anyone!**  So, Big Chicken's Contest for the Day is this - Whoever Spots the Misinformation First, or the First Bit of Misinformation, Wins!  (And all of the words leading up to this, anywhere else in this blog, count.  No, wait, they don't count.  Nevermind.)  So, let's begin.

Tarantulas are large-ish spiders that have urticating hairs. Couple of questions raised by that statement, I'm sure, so let me clear that up for you now without doing a stitch of verification.  After all, this is "fiction," and we all know what that means.  So, yes, spiders do have hairs.  We mammalian birds are not the only ones with hairs; itty bitty*- spiders have them too.  And tarantulas, at least the ones that dwell in the Sonoran Desert Region of the Southwestern United States, can shoot those hairs out if they need to.  Why would they do that?  Why, to survive, of course!  Because for all their bad rap***, and sophisticated classifications, as it turns out, they are simply another possible tasty food source for other creatures.  Some people eat spiders.  Some birds eat spiders.  (Given those two "facts," my chances of eating spiders seem to be pretty high up there.  I suppose that, with the proper seasoning, they'd probably be as good as any other protein source.)  So they shoot these little irritating hairs out in self-defense. 

I'm wandering.

Okay, more "facts."  You know how spiders have eight eyes?  Guess what?  No, you gotta guess.  No, I'm not gonna just tell you.  Why?  Because I like it when you squirm.  Ha, look at you.  Fidgeting.  You want to know this so bad.  Don't you?  Don't you?  Hey, where are you going?  Don't you want to play this game?  Fine.  I'll play it by myself.

So, you know how spiders have eight eyes?  Well, guess what?  Not all spiders have eight eyes.  Some of them have six, some have four, and there are even spiders that only have two.  (Now those are the true eight-legged freaks there.  Two eyes.)  And, there are people out there who have been able to tell what species a spider is solely by the arrangement of the eyes, because there is significance in the pattern of arrangement on the head.  Also, some spiders, such as jumping spiders, who are the kinds of hunters who roam about looking for their prey, and right now the name for that eludes me and I'm refusing to go do a simple search because I promised (I promised) you that I would do this without research or verification of the "facts" I'm doling out here, just because I want to show off so bad and am really craving the attention, so I'm resorting to the old standby of "even bad attention is better than no attention" (which reminds me, remind me to tell you later about my decision to go into politics), which is why I'm in showbiz, so, uh, where was I, oh, yes, so they have better vision (you may even sometimes notice them watching you, so if you ever find them out hunting in your office, take a moment and go check them out and see what it is that they're looking at because they're probably there trying to hunt you.  Just kidding!  They're much too small to hunt you.  But they look really cool, so you should look at them.  Trust your big hunky chicken on this one.) than, say, the widows, who are passive hunters, meaning that they just sort of hang out in the webs that they build and wait for insects to come to them.  All sorts of neat spiders out there.  Some of them are like little spider cowboys that throw out lines of silk to catch their prey.

What else about spiders?  Let's do one more before we wrap this up because I may actually go to the coffee shop and see if there are any cute chicks there.  (Just kidding.  too scared.  I'll just stay here and do a little more "work.")  So, oh, I know.  Spiders can regenerate limbs.  Now, I know some of you, personally, who read this blog, and if I catch you ripping off spider legs just to see if that's true, I'm gonna report you to my assistant, and you know what she's like.  So don't be doing any random acts of violence against arachnids.  Just don't.

By the way, I'm thinking of running for office, so if any of you ghost writers out there have some fancy speeches ready for me, then bring it on.

Your Political,
Chicken

"I'm the Big Chicken, and I approved this message."

**My point here being that this is why I am typing up a funny little blog post this evening rather than doing something....else.

*-This is the technical term.

***Okay, if any one of you out there can make a spider rap song, then you win the mutha lode!  And yes, collaboration is allowed.  So, if you want to work on this with me, you can do that, and that way I can bully you around some and also take more of the "credit."

Big Chicken Bug-Eatin' Contest Winner***

Remember that contest I had yesterday where I said you could do all sorts of crazy things with bugs?  (Except I forgot to say "or make something tasty with them," which is what I really wanted because I was hungry and posting fast 'cause I just wanted to get out of here.  Remember?  How could you remember?  You weren't here.)  Well, someone made a crazy song about bugs!  And sent it to me.  Do you know what that means?  Someone out there is crazier than I am!  And I would put that song on here, too, except I am getting pretty doggone jealous of all these peeps who done been helpin' the chicken with all this stuff because some of these people are funnier and smarter and more talented than I am.**

Like my costume designer.*-  That's right, folks, the Big Chicken image was sketched today!  This artist nailed it.  She got the image of this crazy bird down like - perfect.  I am not going to post it on here though because guess what else?  There are two, not one, but two, film production companies who are interested in the chicken.  So, shortly, we should have here for all of you the First Ever Actual Film Clip (Not Done on Actual Film, Probably More Like Digital), so pretty soon here, like I was saying, we should have the First Ever Visual Communication Via Streaming Ones and Zeroes (how does the internet thingie and images and so forth work, anyway?) That Is Comprised Of Images Of One Large Roller-Skating Bird and Lots of Cleavage.  (No, not cell division.  The other kind.)  WAIT!  I take that back.  We've got the first ever misnomer already, because of that very funny animated Film Clip of Chicken, (Starring Two Small Bears!) that aired just the other day and which, technically, is the First Ever Film Clip for Chicken.  Although it isn't a film either.  (Could someone define what a film is for me please?!)

So, doesn't that sound interesting?  Well, the cleavage part anyway.  And aside from some breast jokes, we're also going to have some serious deliberation about boobies. And legs and wings and thighs, and so forth.  Oh, and getting laid.

Okay, okay, alright already, we'll have a storyline, too.  For crying out loud, what else do you want?  Probably some sort of a protagonist.  And some reversals.  Maybe a little bit of a moral dilemma or two.  Yeah, right, from a chicken sans scruples?  We'll see.  With all these amazing folks who are working on this project, I'm sure we'll be able to throw together a tasty lil' sumpin' or other for ya. 

**I am going to post that on Big Chicken Radio.  Because it was funny. 

*-Who is cuuuuuuuuuute, btw.  In addition to being talented. 

***This title gives the impression that the contest was about eating bugs.  It also gives the impression that someone out there ate bugs to win it.  Neither of those things actually happened.  This is fiction.  A fiction of my imagination.