I have been blogging for at least a week now and I just realized that I haven't told you eggs-actly what it is I, or we, rather, are doing here, and I say "we" because there are people on board with this craziness, it is not just me, and then yes, I will continue to use words like eggs-actly, on and on, forever and ever, until death do us part.
Having said all of that, I give to you now a mission statement, a working mission statement, mind you, because I am making this up, off the cuff, fresh this morning. Remember those brothers who were on a mission from god? Well, I'm not them, nor am I affiliated (yet). Speaking of which, I really need to get busy looking around on Amazon for nifty little high-priced chicken items for you to buy because if you purchase something from there that you got to from clicking on it here in this blog-spot, then I will earn a commission, and I think that could work out well for the both of us because then you would have the nifty thing and I would have some dough which, as we all know, can come in pretty handy at times when you're trying to dress up in a chicken suit and skate across this our fair and glorious and beautiful land. I guess for that idea to come to fruition, though, I need to buckle down and do the work. Right. As if that's gonna happen. Tell you what, if I do decide to follow through on that, I'll keep you "posted."
No, you know what? On second thought, coming up with a mission statement could be a lot of work (I know that from eggs-sperience, having started, but never finished, several of them), and I have some other things I need to focus on today regarding this fowl chicken business, and really I don't see how spending the time to make a concerted effort on defining the focus of the chicken's intent (or "mission") is going to help me out here.
So, let's get to the checklist of things we need for our crazy chicken movie.
My friends, business associates (and I say my friends first because they have been with me longer, through no fault of their own, and anyway we all know how long the business associates will stick around - well if you don't already know, it's precisely that significant moment in time that can only be described as "until the money runs out" [Thanks for Your Support!]), family (and I put them last because I "saved the best" for last, you know? love you guys, you who are even crazier than I, because, after all, you not only support this but give me many wonderfully crazy chicken puns and ideas), and I are working on this crazy "scheme" that I hatched. Well, it isn't a "scheme" as much as it is an "idea to have some fun and earn some money and make lots of people really very happy by giving them the opportunity to see a grown-up person dressed up in a chicken suit roller skating around and having adventures doing funny clown-type things and learning some lessons and stuff." Now, I know what some of you are doubtless thinking, "This chick has never earned money," and you would be absolutely right if you weren't already incredibly wrong. So wrong! You see, my chicken, or me, or I, rather, is a dude. (Oh, also, I know this crazy chicken "scheme," as defined above in the second, third, no fifth occurrence of quotation marks in this here blog today [which for those of you who can't count was the part where I explained what the chicken "scheme," is or was. Is. Don't make me say it again.] where was I going with this? Oh, crazy chicken scheme description needs some work if it's ever going to be a decent log line for a film, but who has time to work on things that production companies want to see when you're busy trying to build an empire and dominate the poultry industry, is what my question is, even though it is phrased as a statement. That is true. You got me there on that one.)
Now, having said all of that and it isn't even eight o'clock yet (no matter what the time stamp says on my computer), I think I shall retire for the day.
Goodbye and again I thank you.
The Big Chicken
PS-I have just been advised by the resident advisers in my head that I need to continue with this "work" thing here for longer than one half of an hour. I would tell them where to go, but they are clearly, already there. Plus, they are my bosses, and I really can't afford to lose this job right now, because I need the benefits. You can't get coffee just anywhere, am I right?
(We now return to the work in progress)
Oh, hey, hi everyone! Where did you go? Long time no see, glad you could stop by. Come on in and have some tea, you want some tea? Yes, some nice hot tea, yes, that's right, tea. BECAUSE THE COFFEE IS MINE AND THERE ISN'T ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US, SO IF YOU TOUCH THAT POT I'M GONNA K-
Mint? Oh, good. You don't have caffeine in the morning? Ever? Hahaha. What is that like? It just sounds CRAZY to me, but if it works for you, then I guess that's fine. More coffee for me. Hahaha, crazy. haha. haaaaa.
Checklist
No, wait. I'll do that tomorrow. Or later today. Okay.
Mission Statement
To bring laughter to people by dressing up like a big chicken and roller skating around and documenting that s#!&.
(You guys think I should have a curse word in my mission statement? Well, it would certainly make it unique, wouldn't it? Oh, alright, fine, if you want to be a jerk about it I'll just fix it, up, a little, ok there-)
To bring laughter to people by dressing up like a big chicken and roller skating around and documenting that _______.
Oh, hey, now that I think about it (I don't do that too often, so this is really a special moment for me, and I just want to say that I am so very,very glad that I got to spend it here and experience that little time in space with you) my mission statement is even more wonderful with the "Ode to Hemingway's Editors and Publishers" (see prior post, although I'm not going to tell you what I mean by that or which post would explain it because you need to learn this stuff yourself and I refuse to do your work for you, or mine either, for that matter, but it's referring to the blank line. There, I told you. Happy?) up there because one, we can fill in the blank dependent upon whatever it is we are doing at the time to make (or, help) people laugh and two, it really cuts out a lot of effort here at the front of this grand endeavor, meaning that I don't need to spend all that time developing something up front that may "evolve" anyway, so it can really cut costs because then I won't be putting the hours in doing that. Then, oh, I know, then I can take the time to calculate how much money that saved my boss, while I'm on the clock, mind you, and then ask for that for my Christmas bonus. That's brilliant. I know!
Oh, hey, before I get back to the checklist of things that I need, first I gotta tell you what I learned yesterday. There is a way to get this wonderful, filling, and nutritious blog in your gullet (get it? gullet? bird? oh, never-) every time I post it which I promise will be daily unless it's not, in which case, then, it won't be. However, whenever it is posted, and I could do that, let's see, maybe three times a week, no, wait a second, last time I promised that I didn't come through, so, okay, uh, hm. Tuesdays. I could commit to doing this on Tuesdays. Ok, so every Tues- wait a minute, I don't know for sure about that one. Let me look at my cal- nope. Ah, listen, Tuesdays don't look good for anything that's going to be a "regular" kind of a thing. You know what what I could do, though? I could do it "semi-regularly." That way, you never know when to expect it and I don't need to feel bad about whenever it is that I'm not doing it.
Now, as far as payments from you to me for my incredibly brilliant and obviously valuable services here, they are due upon receipt and I will bill you every Friday. No, wait, since this can be done via the internet then, I will bill you every day. Yes, that's right. No, I'm afraid that part is non-negotiable, as was clearly stated in the contract that you willingly entered into whenever you started reading this blog. Yes, I know it was never stated there, but you did this, not me.
Where am I? And why am I in this chicken suit? Oh, feed. That's right. My new friend and associate G______ taught me yesterday something that you, plucky reader, undoubtedly already know, but a thing which I didn't, which I why I said that she "taught" me, and that is about the RSS Feed. So, if you would like to receive this fowl newsletter (oh, that's a great idea, I will promise to you a newsletter that I will probably never deliver, or if I do, I will do it once, maybe twice, and then solicit some feedback, and then feel crushed after everyone tells me how great and funny it is except for that one guy in Massachusetts who said maybe it would be funnier if he wasn't going through such a hard time right now and he'll try it again later, but I really felt crushed. That, in and of itself, was a mighty, mighty blow.) once a we-, no, that would be semi-, ok, start over.
So, if you would like to receive this incredibly Fowl Newsletter (we'll make up a name later, I'm trying to work here) on a semi-regular basis (as described in the non-existent Terms and Conditions, posted above, with a hidden link, that I can't even find but which the programmer stated was there, and I trust him already because he sent me an email once and signed it K______, so I feel like we've known each other for ages and I do hope that he (or she, because I'm really not sure on that once, since it was simply signed "K") and you will meet me for dinner this weekend, by the wharf, and I tell you what, I'm going to leave my cell phone at home, or, no, wait, in the car, and uh, oh, hey, this'll be my treat because after all, you'll get it the next time and I have this wad of cash and unassigned money orders just burning a whole in my pocket. Well, that's just a figure of speech because they're really stored in the glove box. Speaking of which, hey, do you think I should lock the car while we're here? I know this looks like a seedy part of town, but don't they also say you should never judge a book by it's cover? Which I think is just a really good saying, in addition to being great advice. I mean, you know that one book that had the icky, deteriorating corpse/bloody skull cover that I thought would be a story that would give me nightmares? It was a lullaby. A really, long [400 pages!] and scary one that gave me nightmares and plus I had to sleep with the light on for at least a week, maybe two, after, but still I am trying to read it again so I can learn all the words so I can pass that on to the next generation. Which I really won't be doing because as of yet I have no chick-lets of my own and, what's that? You saw the Craigslist post? Oh.)
Where am I? And why am I wearing this chicken suit? Oh, that's right, towns we will travel to and Sponsors. For those of you who would like to support our endeavor, please email me at zbigchicken at gmail dot com, and make sure you put the "z" at the front, 'cause '_______' was already taken, which means that there is some dashing person out there using the fancy email address that I wanted.
(we interrupt this program for a very important letter)
An Open Letter to The Person Who Has the Email Address That I Wanted
Dear Person (aka '_________'at _____ dot com):
I am writing to you today because I am starting a grand new business endeavor (or "scheme"), structurally fashioned in part in a similar manner to those glorious Egyptian tombs for the pharoahs, and need your help. As I was embarking on this grand "scheme," I noticed that the email address that I wished to be granted by the great and mighty and glorious email, search engine, and numerous other services provider that we all know and love and just really really hope will stick around forever and come over for holiday dinner at least once because everyone, and I do mean everyone, needs to see cousin C________ when she's had a few, (deep breath here, okay, go!) had already been taken by you. And, even though I don't know you, '_________'at _____ dot com, I do hope that you know what a mighty inconvenience it was for me to need to try another name, and another one, and then sit back for a little while and think and then ask myself, "If this chicken thing is going to be this challenging, well, ask yourself, ________, is it really worth all of this?" before coming up with the brilliant and flashy and, yeah, okay, I'll say it, zesty, that's right that is what I am talking about the word "zesty," because when you put a z in front of a b it just looks crazy in the English language. Might be okay in Russian or some other language that I don't know much or any of, except for maybe a please and a thank you oh, and a cuss word here and there, but really, after all is said and done '_________'at _____ dot com, I am writing to you today to thank you, because without you having already taken the grand and glorious name that I wanted, I never would have put the z in front of the b which, as we all know by now, is just plain funny. Even if it is used seriously in another language. Like, to make actual "words." Hahaha. Words that they use to communicate. Ah ha, ah ha, ah heh.
So again, '_________'at _____ dot com, thank you and if there is ever anything that I or my farmyard friends can do for you and your family, please DO hesitate to ask, because, after all, we are like family now, and who really wants to ask the people who probably love them more than anyone else ever could, for help.
Also, please sign over your email address to me in order to avoid any future confusion with things like payments, after all, you wouldn't want some of "my" hard-earned and fully solicited contributions going into "your" account. Or, just cancel that sucker, or transfer it somehow, to me and my cronies (is "cronies" a chicken word? Hold on, let me just goog-, no it's not, I repeat, not a chicken-related word, apparently. Even though it really sounds to me like it should be. Tell you what, '_________'at _____ dot com, if you or any of your doubtless wonderful and fine family members or associates can research the roots of the word "crony" or "cronies" and then get back to me if you do happen to find any trace at all of poultry in its roots, well, other than maybe that part o' poultry that's used for fertilizer (OMG, Big Chicken, that was offal! Cackle, cackle, Thank you, I'll be here all week. You know, I just flew in and, no, that one's been used. Bear with me, you guys, because I'm just "winging it" here. heh heh. I'm a fledgling. Oh, that was good. That was a good one. Hang on, hang on, wait a minute, I've got one, my turn, my turn, you guys, quiet! No, it's gone now. Oh, but that was a good one, you gotta admit, that was good one. Ahhhhh. Aha. hmmmmm. )
So, in closing, '_________'at _____ dot com, again I would just like to ask and fully expect that you , a person I do not even know, would gladly give up what's yours just for the sole purpose of having it be mine. Do we have a deal here, '_________'at _____ dot com? Please, do not make me ask again. Or I will crush you.
Yours in blackmail and oh, no, that was not intentional, but it sure was pun. No, I know it wasn't technically a pun, but, okay, I am getting tired here and would love to quit typing and maybe go have some breakfast and then go have some fu- I mean, go meet with those high-powered executive-type friends and associates of mine and make big deals, deals that will, over time, add up to where I can have more than three hundred dollars in my savings account. Which is really not that much in today's economy, if you ask me, even if it was through no fault of my own that I got myself into this mess.
So. Again, in closing, '_________'at _____ dot com (and I feel like I've really gotten to know you since I took up all of our time together talking about me, we should really do this more often, it has just been grand, a real pleasure, thank you, well, no, you should be thanking me because, after all, I AM the one who has done all of the talking), please let me know what you think about my offer, or demand, rather.
I remain
Your
Big Chicken
Okay, getting back to the rest of you, my flock of one, counting, one follower (even though I know there are more of you silently visiting this, my vibrantly feathered blog, because I have already made once cent, that's right, one cent profit on the advertising. Hm? That's not profit? Doesn't count as profit until after all the bills are paid, huh? Well, when is that going to happen? Haha, I know. Hm. Let me give this some thought. Tell you what. I will revise that last statement, the one before the ones immediately preceding this one, actually, to read, "-my vibrantly feathered blog (I know that needs work, and I really wanted to use 'plumage' but it just didn't sound right with an -ed on the end. try it. 'plumaged.' see? doesn't work. shame, really. what's up with the punctuation and capitalization? well, how should I kno- would you stop interrupting me? Yes, you di- There, you just did it again. No I won't because you know why? It's like, every time we talk lately, you're not even listening to me. I don't care if you think I'm selfish because, you know what, when it comes down to it, it's just always about you. Isn't it. ISN'T IT?!!! Look, I'm going to hang up no- stop interrupting me. STOP INTERRUPTING ME. Listen, the other phone's ringing, I gotta go. No, really, I gotta go. Yeah, love you, too, bye. [click] biddy.) Oh, revised sentence. That could mean some more work. Tell you what, I'm just going to leave that sentence as it is now, and as it was before, and as it ever shall be, yea, for all eternity, so DON'T MESS WITH MY SENTENCE, I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THAT AND IF YOU DO IT AGAIN, I AM NOT GOING TO BE THIS NICE ABOUT IT. SO YOU BETTER DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES.
Oh, yeah, profit. Well, sadly, not yet. But, highly trained market analysts (that would be me) have advised me that the flow of money and talent and connections and supplies will increase just as soon as I tell you all, lovely, dear, dear readers, what it is that I need and how you can send it to me or how I can come pick it up from you or what-have-you and then also in direct proportion to the amount of time and effort I am willing to put into this. Which, if you have been paying attention at all, and I am pretty sure you have not, which is why I am saying this to you today, (stop looking out that window. Why? The class is in here. Me, up front. Eyes up front. Look at me. Me. Look At Me. Your Class Is Not Outside That Window. That Is The World. You Are Not Ready For That Place Yet, So Open Your Electronic Notebooks And Tell Me Who Was The First Person To Discover America. J_______. Columbus? Very good, J______. What a smart child you are, that's right, that's exactly right, Columbus was, indeed, the very first person to discover Amer- What's that, M_______? Native cultures? Where did you- Do you parents know that you are watching information stations at night? Let me just write them a note here, because honestly, M_______, you're being disruptive, is what this is, and I am not going to tolerate it. Now, so, for the test- No, of course they were not conducting brain surgery in Central or South America hundreds of years ag- how could they? No other people in the world, at no other time in history, were ever as smart or accomplished as we are now. And, that's disgusting, so don't bring it up again. Fine, M______, you leave me no choice but to put your name on the board. That's the bell, do your homework, be here at four tomorrow instead of four-fifteen because we need to finish this history lesson on Columbus. Ancient cultures, native civilizations. Honestly, where do the kids get this stuff? It's not from the books they provided for us in school.
Beep Babeep babeep beep beep
This just in - The Big Chicken, that is to say me, or I, rather, would like to say what a beautiful day it is and I can say that now because I can see it through the window there.
Furthermore, the Big Chicken is very hungry, yet again. Happens every morning, but still surprises this chicken every day. It's like Boo! Only louder.
In addition to the furthermore, or subsequently, shall we say (altogether now, on ah one and ah two and SHHHHHH! I am trying to work here and I really need you guys in my head to be quiet for a little while. Well, it's just that you're really disruptive and plus, I need to eat. Okay, be right back I'm just gonna go scratch around in the yard and see what I can find. Ooooo, oooo, bug! Score! You know what that would be good in? Oatmeal.
Oh, hey, you remember that checklist I promised, the one I was going to give to you so that you could help me help you to laugh? Eventually? 'Cause that's the point here? Or, wait, let me change that. Bk-bk-bkaws that's point here? Oh, no you didn't! Oh, yes. I did. Anyway, regarding the checklist, I'll put that up here tomorrow. What's that? Priority? Okay, fine, I will do that one today. Later. First, I need to go eat, and then I need to go get some "inspiration" at the coffee shop, oh, and then I am going to maybe meet those people who do animation and see if they might be interested in working on a chick flick. Get it? A Chick flick. You can see now why I can't get a regular job, right? Clearly. Well, I could get one, actually, I do already have a regular job, so what I should say, in actual fact is this, and that is (you guys, I have written and read wayyyyy too many technical documents in my life and it just finally drove me over the brink and straight into crazy-land. What can I say, I cracked! Oh, no, oh, no, does that mean that I have egg on my face? Ah, yeah, say it with me one time: "crazy!") Although, I keep a lid on it for the purposes of getting back into therapy while still having the freedom to roam about unfettered by straight jackets and roller skate across this fair land. Ok, ok, I just thought of something, we could have one scene where the chicken, that's me, is wearing a straight jacket. Wouldn't that be funny? No, I just mean the visual aspect of it, because- Yes, I realize the serious nature of the circumstances surrounding the actual reasons that some people need to wear those things. Why do you think I have chosen comedy? And, if you said it's because I never was good at my day job - You Win! That's right, you win. Win, win, win. Doesn't that feel good. You won it.
Okay, now what?
Oh, apologies, that's right. I can tell already that they are going to be an integral part of this, so let's practice, shall we? Here, I'll go first. Ahem.
"The producers of this fowl flick would like to extend to you, the writers and editors and publishers of textbooks across this great land for the apparent callous and insensitive remarks made by the Big Chicken about an important figure in American history just a few long paragraphs ago. Even though it most assuredly feels like ages to you now, rest assured, ladies and gentlemen and so forth, that the remarks were, indeed, made just a few paragraphs ago. To that end, we, the producers and all of our families and friends, would like to extend to you this branch (not the sharpened one, put that away, put that away H_______, right this second or else I will- That does it, go to your office) would like to extend to you this branch, ripped from the living tissue of an olive tree just a few short moments ago, as a symbol of peace. That's right, ripped from the living tissue of...listen, could someone else spot the irony or whatever that is, because I am really getting tired and my arms hurt and I just want to go home. Okay, I am lying because I am home. Work from home. Right. Back to complainin' - I want to stop working because my arms hurt. They don't. I'm lying. Actually, I can think of nothing better to do than to sit here in my place, all "cooped" up, so to speak, and type out really long and boring messages to you, cosmically delicious reader.
As I was saying, I would love to sit around and finally finish that apology like I said that I would do, but first, I really need to jump up and squawk very loudly and flap my arms around which I can't do right now because honestly, when I told you back there that I was working from home, I lied. I am working in a public place. Well, semi-public. We'll just call it secluded. But, there are people here, and I can't very well let people see how kooky and crazy I really am. Well, could I? I mean, that would be almost as bad as posting a big, ornate, attention-getting sign saying "CRAZY, THIS WAY---->" where the arrow is pointing at me. So, instead, I just write stuff on this here blog, because, as everyone knows, this computer that I am writing on, or typing, rather, is my computer, my hard drive, my screen, my house (lie. There it was again. I lied. Gotta call myself out on this stuff or else it'll just snowball again, and, in the end, like I said before, that just leads to more w#!&.) my semi-public place, so, as we all know, and when I say we, I mean "me" here, this stuff is just between you (and when I say you, I mean me here) and me, but mainly me. I mean, it's not like this stuff is ever going to get out and circulate and be read by other people. Heaven's no! Oh, my god, could you imagine? That would be horrible, after all of the offal things I have said. (<------did you get that fertilizer reference back there? Just felt it was my duty as the Moderator of This Blog to point that out to you. And over here, we have the RSS Feed, or the Chicken Feed, as I call it, and over there, we have the Proper Email Address to Use When You Want to Contact Me About Sponsorship or Jump Onto This Here Crazy Freight Train in Some Other Way Form or Fashion, but there again, only if it's money. Or food. Chickens and roadies can get very hungry. Or supplies for the journey. Or lodging. Just, don't email me with moral support. I already know that you are out there and that you support this endeavor and that you can't wait for me to come to your town and you're crying already because I am willing to do this thing that you could never bring yourself to do, and I appreciate knowing that, but please do not clog my email box with your soppy and soporific letters of support and encouragement because I think that we all know by now that I am never going to be reading those things anyway. Unless you have attached some money, because otherwise how else am I ever going to get there to you to bring you all this joy? Things work out, you say? Guided along by unseen hands? Oh, sure, I've heard that one before. Synchronicity? Oh, now that is such a funny word. I love it when people say that word because it just sounds so true and so marvelous and my oh my, oh, my, my, my. Bring it on. And if you really want to write me a letter of encouragement, please do. I was just kidding back there. Just trying to be funny. Because, you know it, I know it, we all know it and that is this: I need all of the help I can get.
*Regarding Columbus - While I am sure that Columbus was undoubtedly a very fine person and a downright intrepid explorer, no, you know what, I cannot in honesty say that because I don't actually know the guy. Like my opinion on that matters anyway! However, what I can say is that not knowing any of the parties who were involved in that particular series of events so long ago, I can in all certainty say that it is absolutely, positively none of my business what someone else's ancestors are doing today. Because, when you think about it, as I oftentimes do (that was another lie, because I am just thinking this part up as I go)we are all just ancestors in the making. All of us that is, except for those few people, such as myself, who have chosen up to this point, not to have children, and after all, aren't you glad for that? Whew! I am, too. Because I am allergic to kids, a fact that I have alluded to before in a very grand and very funny posting on Craigslist some time ago, a few days back.
Also, regarding textbooks, even and especially the electronic kind (which I have yet to use for the first time) and teachers, and all of those writers and editors and publishers and so forth who have worked long and hard to bring us information to know and to use. I thank you. Because, without all of your hard work, I never would have had the chance to make fun of your efforts here today. And I mean that from the bottom of my plucky little heart, because I realize now, having said all of this, that the last thing that you ever want to do when you're asking for help from someone, is insult them. It just doesn't work and I can easily see why. That being said, I am now willing to enter into contract with the writers, editors, and publishers who see the value in the work I do. We'll do it auction-style and start the bidding......now!
Anyone?
Anyone?
This is the Big Chicken with a reminder that the footage on this blog (I know it isn't footage, but that reads better than "text") is uncut and raw.
That's right, getcher raw, uncut, chicken here. Oh, and if you or any one of your gorgeous and glamorous friends wanna get their raw, uncut chicken here tomorrow, why just come on back and we'll visit again. No, no. No salmonella threat here. Why? Because you don't actually eat this kind of chicken. This is simply food for thought.
zbigchicken at gmail dot com that's with the z before the b because it looks very funny in the English language
No comments:
Post a Comment