The Return of the Cyber Chicken

Today I wax poetic in an attempt to avoid duties at my day job.  You're welcome.

biting at the computer
cyber-charged hands flinging thoughts through keyboard to screen
once a mere fantasy
the day of global communication and interchange is here
at once enlightening, ennobling, and yet humbling
as awareness of millions of other electronically communicating creatures
enters my conscious mind
control
alt
delete

Another Lame-O Excuse - This Time for Real Though

You all may have noticed my greater-in-duration-than-usual absence from the blog here, and I must, for once, be honest.  Here's the deal.  I want to skate across the nation in a chicken suit, but I'm too scared to actually go out and ask people for all of the money it's going to take to fund my endeavor, so instead, I started a company doing what I already know how to do in my day-job, and it's been cutting into my writin' time.

However, rest assured, my good friends, that this little hiccup on the writing front is really in our best interest, because now I'm going to make a bazillion bucks doing this other stuff and then fund this here chicken-skate project , and then you'll all laugh your heads off as a result.

Thanks for your patience, and please feel free to poke around the blog in the meanwhile and catch up on all of the fowl offerings within.

I will, of course, be checking email and the comments on a semi-regular basis.  (How's that for non-committal?)

Yer professional,
Chicken

Another Stirring Campaign Speech from Your Chicken

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....guess I'd better do some campaignin'...

Friends! Chickens!

It has been a week since I spoke to you last about the importance of believing my lies.  What is of the utmost importance (to me) is that you believe my lies more than you believe my competitor's lies.  I really can't stress this enough.  In fact, this statement is so deep, so meaningful, so profound, that I will now rest my poor tired little hands and give you all a week or so to soak this in. 

Your politically quite lazy,
Chicken 

Presidential Chicken Speech - 2012

Friends, Chickens,

I need your support.  Our nation is facing difficult times (could I get an intern in here?).

Taxes are too high!

(Where's that intern?)

The gap between the rich and the poor is growing.

(Oh, hey bab-, I mean "intern."  Could you grab me, I mean, us, some dinner?  Thanks.  No, I don't care....anything is fine.  Yep..thanks.  Gotta go, speakin' to the nation here.  Where was I?  Oh, that's right-)

Taxes are too high!

The gap between the rich and the poor is growing, at an alarming rate!  But I, my fellow, hard-working Americans, have a plan and a promise to you that I have no intention to keep.  That's right, folks, I am here to say to you now that I am going to solve these difficult problems by sending you tax refunds.  All of it.  Every penny you paid in, I will have my staff send back to you.*

*Is it okay to lie about what I'm planning to do in office?  Do people generally put footnotes within the text?  Where's my intern?

Remember!  Vote for me!

The very big C

(and bring me some dinner...)

A Very Important Message from our Chicken

Hello Everyone, and welcome back to my blog.  It's been a while since I've corresponded, and I think that it's time that you all find out why.  Friends, Enemigos, Mom, I'd like to announce here, today, my intention to run for President of the United States of America.  That's right, president.  Of the United States.  Of America.

As you can imagine, my decision to nominate myself for this very important position has necessitated great secrecy on my part, so much so that my girlfriend doesn't even know where I'm going half the time, or when I'll be back, or who I'll be with while I'm gone.  It's been very trying for her, to say the least, but she's a trusting gal, and bless her heart, she's been willing to sleep alone a few times in the interest of national security and for the good of the country.  I simply can't thank her enough for all of the sacrifices she's made for me and I promise that one day, ONE DAY, I will help that girl do some of the dishes.  Maybe.

Until that day arrives, my fiends, I mean friends, I will pursue this candidacy like the truly great chicken that I am.  So, if you are tired of highly educated people with strong political connections making all of the decisions around here while nobody you know is votin' the way you want them to, then join me, and my flock of peeps, as we spread joy, nonsense, and possibly a little manure (for mulch) throughout this, Our Great Land.

Thank you.  And remember to vote.  For me.  Do you think that's a good slogan?  We could make it like:

"Vote!  For me, the very big C."

I like it.  It's catchy.

You're Presidential,
Chicken

Another Open Letter to Kookaburra Birds

Dear Kookaburra,

You don't scare me none with all of your threats, or your demands, or your questions about girls I am with that I will refuse to answer (like you posted in this comment here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2012/06/open-letter-to-kookaburras.html#comment-form).  I've dealt with bigger fish that you, girl, and I'm prepared to stand up for my rights as a man and set an example for all the downtrodden suckers who've been taken for rides by gold-diggin' avian tarts like you since before my dear sweet mom ever laid the egg that would hatch into me because I am a winner!  I'm not a loser, K, I'm a winner.*

Just remember one thing when you're crying your eyeballs out because of me, remember how bad my breath was that one time that you had to tell me to brush my teeth.  NO, WAIT! Don't remember that, and please also don't tell anybody.  Hmmm, let me think.  What about that one time that I had the booger hanging and you had to tell me to get a tissue before we went to that one party, would that be a good thing to remember?  No, maybe not.  Oh, I know!  Remember this, Kookaburra, and remember this good....

I put the "k" in chicken. 

zverybigchicken

* I just don't understand why I feel the need to try to convince you of that, it's almost like I care what you think about me.

An Open Letter to Kookaburras

An Open Letter to All of the Kookaburra Birds Who Hang Around zbigchicken and Bother Him With Incessant Chirping and Comments and Big Hulking Scary Boyfriends and So Forth

Ahem.

Dear All Kookaburra Birds Who Skulk Around zbigchicken’s Website, or Blog, Rather, and Post Insensitive and Unfounded Comments To and About Him (here http://www.zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2012/04/thats-one-feisty-chicken.html#comment-form)While He Is Recovering in the Hospital From Ambushes in Local Pizza Parlour Parking Lots, et al.:

You kingfishers are known to be a contemptuous breed, true, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and decided to date your mother whilst seeing you just to prove to the world that you’re not all bad after all, and this is the thanks that I get.  You pull my head off.  I know you said that your boyfriend did it, and maybe everyone believes you even though you have been violent in the past because goodness knows the chicks are the sweeter, kinder, gentler gender, right?  Rrrrrrrright.  So, thanks, Kookaburra bird, thanks.  I just cannot tell you how much your attention to detail means to me.  I mean, after all, you not only got your big, beefy, brawny, brainless (I don’t care how many scholarships he was awarded in the 8^th grade, he’s still a loser, and he really lacks ambition, so why don’t you just tell him to go park his Mercedes in someone else’s garage for a while and come get into my Pinto, girl?  Can’t you see that I miss you?) boyfriend to try to punch me in front of my friend Shirley, but then you have the gall to blame him for something you did yourself.  You got some nerve, girl.  I mean that.  And besides, you’re getting’ on my last one, and don’t make me have to go get my chakras balanced again because you know every time I do that I end up being all nice and balanced and it really makes me feel…uncomfortable, to say the least.  So, uh, you comin’ home tonight?  I’ll even kick your Mom out if you do.

Z’two-timin’ shick-awn