Sock Monkey Surveys Return

Just when you thought it was safe to read z'chicken....I bring to you, once again, the sock monkey, I mean, Survey Monkey, surveys from last year!  So, if you like to take surveys that help guide business decisions, try this one: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/HPNG8YV

If you are, however, more of the cute chicken-type who prefers nonsensical whimsy and doesn't give a damn about business decisions, then this little diddy may be more your tune:  http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/T3YCKFS


Thanks for playing!
z'very business-oriented, serious-minded....uh....chicken

SQUAAAAAAAWWWWWWWKKKK

bk-bk-bkCAUCK!

(PS-Please do not tell Kookaburra or my family that I am hiding out in my sock monkey survey....they would kill me, or try to make me go to holiday dinner....either way, I lose.  You know what I'm sayin'.  So, shhhhhhhhhh.  Please.  Thanks.)

Relatives - Can't Live With 'Em, Can't K- (you know)

So, I was stopping by the blog to try to get some peace, since my relatives came to visit and took over at the coop, but apparently, my "Aunty" has taken up residence here now, too, and left the following message (see below).  Will the holiday season never cease?  It's like, if havin' at home isn't bad enough, then there's the whole "Hey, I've got an embarrassing story about so-and-so....wanna hear it?"

God, I hate the holidays.



"Heya Z'BigChicky,

Thanks for relenting to obligation and letting your Aunty have a room in your coop this holiday season. Now would you be a dwarling and stop reading this and let me have a few words in private with your visitors?

Z'BigC had a female visitor over yesterday. She seemed like a real nice egg, good round head on her round shoulders, curves in all the right places and lEggs that wouldn't quit. I went to my room to give them some privacy but I couldn't help but overhear Z using all sorts of corny lines trying to get her into the hay. I must have dosed off because I was startled awake by a loud squawk. I got up a went to investigate. The door to Z's bedroom was ajar so naturally I had to look in and see if everything was OK. Z'BigC looked fine, laying back with his head propped on his wings. Very contented looking I would say. But laying next to him the egg appeared very frustrated. After a few moments of awkward silence she finally turned to Z'Chicken and said, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"

Just a few words to all you wise eggs out there,

Z'AntiBigChicken"

Ohhh, heyyyy, Aunty....you hate bugs, right?  Well, why don't we just mosey on over to  New Zealand for the holidays, and I'll let you hold the giant weta.  It'll be fun!

z'mean,
Chicken

Crap, the Holidays are Here, and so are my Relatives

Hi you guys.  Hey, you remember when I was doling out the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet?  Well, apparently, with the holidays and all coming on, my relatives are seeking me out again, and one of them left a comment on my blog at the end of this lil' post here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2011/11/znew-and-improved-or-just-new-really.html  . The full text of this obnoxious (note the proper use of italics) relative's advice follows:

Dear Z (if you will allow me the familiarity),

First off, I have to say you're brilliant! Second, I have a question that requires the aforementioned brilliance to answer. I'm sure you are intimately familiar with the Canada Goose*

Hahahaha, now that I've sent that "brilliant" Big Chicken off on an endless wild goose chase (footnotes are his petards) I'm taking over this blog. I have to. Right up there at the top it sez "Home of the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet" and since I am the one and only true dispenser of the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet I have no choice.

As a special introductory offer I will give a one-time-only free sample (what, do you really believe you can get the the absolutely worst relationship advice on the planet for free?) This one goes out to all you ladies out there who are wondering whether or not to accept that marriage proposal you recently received. Do it, marry him***.

Until we meet again,
Your Aunty (Z'antibigchicken)

* aka Branta canadensis**

** aka the Canada Goose*

*** Do not be concerned about all of those flaws of his that are making you hesitate for, just as you suspect, you will be able change him into the ideal husband once you are married.

Z'New and Improved (or just new, really) Email Game!

The first thing I remembered yesterday was the thing that I tried so hard to forget about the night before.  Funny how that happens.  Except, it wasn't as funny as it was embarrassing and humiliating.  Oy!  I don't even want to talk about it.  No, wait a minute...that was all a dream!  I'm sure of it now.  It was just a dirty, rotten, no-good dream where my dog (who was me, except it wasn't me, it was him) opened the door to this room that was dark and inside the room there was a dead coyote that was wearing a pointy-billed mask, so it looked more like a dinosaur.  As the wavering light from the candle (who was holding that candle?) illuminated more of the room, more of those slumbering creatures came to light.  The question was, were they alive and sleeping or were they dead?  Who knows.  I think the more important question is, why was that embarrassing and humiliating?  Whatever the case, it was scary, and a little unsettling, and not in the least bit funny.

(sigh)

Ok, maybe the pointy masks were a little funny.  Then there's the part of the dream where I couldn't even tell if it was me or the dog who was me.  Then, there was all the dramatic, wavering light from the candle that somebody was holding.  To top it all off, the fact that I even have dreams is kind of funny...like, what's the point in my subconscious processing things and communicating in symbols, you know?  I mean, other than that it's fun and interesting and so forth.  Hahaha, those wacky dreams.  Hey, anybody here remember my ostrich dream?  http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/10/ostrich-dreams-are-such-strange-things.html I always get a kick out of that one.

Hey, does anybody here want to play a game?  I do, I do, I do!!!!  Okay, so here's what we can do - if you've been reading the blog, and you have some funny stuff to say, but are too shy, for instance, to post a comment, email me!  zbigchicken at gmail dot com .  I'd love to hear from you.  Not sure how to make it into a game, but together, we can tackle those minor details.  So now, if you're up for it, let the funny emails begin!

Your Future Pen-Pal,
Z'incredibly verbose...chicken

Z'Big Fancy Chicken Speaks on a Number of Important Topics

Integrity.  Perserverence.  Dedication.  Honesty.  Helpfulness.  Kindness.  Fidelity.  These are a number of important ideals that, when combined, make for a solid code of conduct upon which a person may be proud to live.  A standard, if you will, of the kinds of character traits that have ennobled noblemen and impassioned the truly self-righteous to write numerous books and tomes about the subjects in order to sway the layman towards their views.  I say to all of you today, in complete and utter earnestness, that I make these bold claims without having done a stitch of research.  Not one iota, even with Google itself a mere added tab or new window and address bar away.

These, ladies and gentle-creatures, are the types of thoughts that keep your pal Chickie up at night, and that, only because he (that would be me, or, I, rather) finds words such as these to be troubling, and not just because he has trouble spelling them, but also because he has a hard time getting other people to live up to them while also avoiding like the absolute plague the practice, the actual practice of, uh, practicing these principles.

Z'self-righteous,
chicken

PS-This space intentionally left blank.

Please think of the environment before printing this blog!

And, remember, as always, if you find yourself wandering around, lost in cyberspace and a little scared of potential wolves, just say "There's no place like zbigchicken.blogspot.com " and everything will be just fine.  Just fine.   Just fine.

Boo!

Big Chickie-poo Speaks About Death

Anybody out there scared of dying?  I'm not.  Not anymore.  I used to be scared of dying, but now I think that it's just one more place to go, and I'm guessing that the IRS is already there anyway, waiting for me to cross through the pearly gates of hell so that they can tax my entry.  I wonder if I'll be considered a resident that first year, or if I'll have to pay out-of-state tuition if I want to go to school there.  Actually, that is pretty scary.

Been Sigh-ing a Lot Lately - At Least Twice Anyway

Whatever happened to the good old days?  The times when things were so much simpler?   I mean, when I was a wee, fuzzy little chicklet, all I had to do was hide from the hawks, and the farmer's dogs, and the farmer, and the coyotes, and the foxes, and the snakes, and the bobcats, and the panthers, and the owls. 

(sigh)

Now, I've got this trig homework, and there's a lot of it, and I just have not been able to keep up, and it's just a little depressing is all.  Ah, well, I guess things could be worse.  I mean, I could still be locked up in the dungeon-like setting of my ex-girlfriend's abode.  Course, if I were still there, then I wouldn't have to go to work, and then I might have actually gotten my trig homework done.

What do you mean, people keep jobs and get their homework done on time?  What kinds of freaks are YOU talking about?  Sheesh....

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a chicken suit to put on.  This country ain't gonna skate itself.

Love,
Z'chicken