Not when their girlfriends see what they posted on their blogs yesterday. Honestly, I don't understand what the big deal is. It isn't like I was actually LOOKING for a fling. I just said that I was. (Online. Where millions of chicks can potentially see it.) Can't she tell the difference? So, if you saw what I posted yesterday, and you were thinking about dropping me a line today, don't. Because she is mad and probably checking my email. So call me. 555-BIG-CHICK. I know that doesn't sound very masculine, but rest assured that I am one tough dude. (I am a tough dude, aren't I? I mean, I know that I'm strong and everything, but sometimes I feel so scared, like the sky is going to fall on me or something, which I know is an irrational fear, but still there are such things as hawks, which are arguably not that much of a threat to a human-sized chicken, such as myself, but then again, we also have eagles about, and you can't tell me that a bird with a seven-foot wing-span and a large, hooked bill couldn't hurt a big chicken like me. Please tell me that it couldn't. And then hold me.
Getting back to the whole "sky is falling" fear suffered by many chickens, such as myself, the phenomenon could in all likelihood stem from the fact that danger for a young chicken lurks in the sky, in the form of other hungry birds, a fact that, in and of itself, could be quite disturbing, since it is 'like eating like,' although since it is just a part of the cosmic webbed foot of life** [wish I had webbed feet, then at least I could swim - can't fly, can't swim, who the heck designed this thing anyway? because it's really not fair, and I wish to file a complaint. usually I just let this kind of stuff go, but this time, I am really mad. stupid ducks. why do they get all the chicks? because they have webbed feet, that's why. chicks dig swimmers. then those big strong eagles soar all over the doggone country, like it's nothing. "Oh, look up here at me everybody, I'm a big strong eagle and I'm gonna fly from Arizona all the way up to Alaska, because I can. And you can't. You know why? 'Cause you're a chicken. See you later, CHICKEN. heh heh. So long, flightless YARD BIRD. Hey, Chicken, guess what else is up north? Arctic terns. Yeah, they dig eagles. 'Cause we're TOUGH. Probably not chickens, though. Yeah, definitely not chickens. Hey Chicken, guess who else was flightless? Dodos. Remember them? Of course you don't, because they're all dead now. Know why? 'Cause they were flightless. Flightless birds are so STUPID. Hey Chicken, tell you what, why don't you come up and visit me in Alaska? Yeah, and while you're at it, why don't you build a contraption that'll make pigs fly? Hahaha. See you later, Chicken. Maybe I'll send you a postcard. Not like you're going anywhere."] I HATE eagles so bad.)*
Your,
Eagle-Hatin' Chicken
**Where was I going with this? Oh, yes, cosmic webbed foot of life. The Great Lake in the Sky. The interconnectedness of all things. The delicious crunchy coating with a soft squishy center that is a bug. We are all one. And many of us eat each other. It is just weird is what it is. The Weird Webbed Foot of Life.
*Ladies and gentlemen, Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person: I would like to bring to your attention here this marvelous, stunning example of a parenthetical. I point this out to you because you can't find parentheticals such as this one just anywhere. Note the length. That's right, it is long. Then the punctuation is also worthy of note. We haven't seen punctuation of this sort in this part of the country for at least the last fifty years, so this is a very special occurrence of that particular stylistic phenomenon. Finally, allow me to draw your attention to the noted lack of capital letters in portions of the document. This apparent error is indeed just another case of tomfoolery.
***Whoever likes to say "phenomenon," call me, and we'll say it together a few times. Make it into a little song or something. Because that is the cutest little word I have seen all day, and I hope it follows me around the country, wherever I may roam. Oh, and please, somebody, send me a little baby duck and I will name her Phenomenon. And then when she starts to grow up and not be all fluffy and cute anymore, I will send her back to you. So please include your return address on the initial correspondence, as well as a check or money order in the amount of $23.45 (USD) to cover the cost of shipping. Wait, no, the dollar isn't worth what it used to be, so, tell you what, (nothing personal there, Dollar) why don't you send the funds electronically and make it £25? (That symbol is for British pound sterling. You knew that already? Well, maybe YOU should be the one writin' this blog,*+ Mr. (or Ms., as the case may be) Smarty-Pants Know-It-All. And another thing - Get Out! That's right, I don't have to take this crap from you or anyone. Jerk.)
That's our show for today. Thank you and goodnight.
PS-The number that I gave to you was fake. This is so that I do not get phone calls from wackos. Tell you what, if you really want to contact me, see the contact info elsewhere in this, my grand and glorious blog. Thank you Google Blogger!
*+ Seriously, call me.~ I need a Chicken Ghost Writer, as advertised recently in another, separate, blog post.
~hahaha, that number I gave to you was FAKE! I already told you that once. How are you ever going to get a job as a Chicken Ghost Writer if you're so stupid? ah ha. ah heh. ah haaaaa. Hm. I wonder why no one is applying.
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