Listen, with all of the "issues" currently surrounding my dear, dear friend Craigslist, I am going to take this opportunity to first censor some of my own posts in honor of Craigslist's travails and second, start my own "Wanted" ad here on this blog, except, out of deference to Craigsl&%#, I will call it the "Needed" list instead.
So, for the film, there are all sorts of things needed, many that I don't even know enough to know yet, do you follow? For instance, this one Emmy-award-winning Producer offered to provide this endeavor with a "flashy opening title sequence and fun interstitials." Truth be told, I still don't know what an "interstitial" is, but apparently, we're gonna be needing them in the film. No, wait, we already have the offer of the interstitials, so we are covered on those for this film, the first one in a looooong series of Box Office Smashing Sequels. Not trying to blow my own horn or anything, but "Toot-Toot." Hey, if you had the kind of team members I've got, you'd be feeling pretty confident, too, is what I'm saying. (Could someone help me out with the brevity here? Thanks. Back to the list.)
1.) All terrain roller blades - that's right, the kind with inflatable tires, oh, and I heard of this priest who is in his 90's and he lives in Canada and he has those tires and uses a hand brake, too, and if he wants to race me at some point in the chicken film, that would be super cool, so please, Father ______, if you see this, and you wanna race me: email me, and then bring it on. That's right, Father _____, come on and get you some.
2.) Telescoping carbon graphite poles with maybe some rubberized tips. Preferably with some flashy scarves or something to give it a theatrical flair, but you don't have to provide those with the poles, as the Art Department may be a better resource for that part.
3.) Chicken suit. A tasteful one. Or, at this point in time, and considering what my crew and I have come up with thus far, just "a" one will be fine. thx.
4.) Storyline. (Although I'm hoping that H______ _______ of C_______ ________ _______ will be helping with that one, because he's a genius, and very funny to boot, and really, how could a film about a person who wants to dress up like a chicken and roller skate around the country be funny on it's own? Which is why I have been noting all of the wonderful ideas offered to me by the people who have been in on this since it "hatched." People who are, undoubtedly, funnier, smarter, better-looking, and more successful than I am. Facts I would openly hate them for if I didn't already need them so bad.)
4.) Eight million dollars (To develop the film. This can be paid in installments.) Listen, I just had a great idea. If everyone who reads this goes to the Paypal symbol on this here blog and contributes a dollar, then if we got 8 million people to do it, we could "rake in" eight million dollars, of which, P___p___ would of course receive a large portion of, but that's fine, really, since they are the ones managing data security and all of that. Thank you, P___p___ *
5.) Film crew (although, there again, I fully expect my dear, dear, friend and mentor H_______ ______ to "volunteer" his production company for this portion. And I say "volunteer" because I don't think the 8 mil is going to be able to cover the costs of the film crew, too. We'll see. Maybe if my sister helps me with the budgeting aspect of things.
6.) Gas/food/lodging for a hungry, tired, traveling bird.
7.)Clown/mime lessons
8.) Skating lessons
(Note: If you send the eight million, or the portions thereof, I will take care of the lessons, the gas/food/lodging, the music, the film crew, etc. Otherwise, we're just going to need to keep doing this one little piece at a time.)
9.) Dough for hungry composers and musicians. (who may soon be posting fun chicken skate-related music on this here blog, so Stay Tuned!)
And yes! We can earmark funds. That's right. For instance, the very first non-familial, cold hard cash sponsor insisted that his funds be put towards a wattle or comb. He was adamant about that. Then he made up this chicken rap song, right off the cuff. It was amazing. That guy had mad chicken skills.
10.) Anything else that you know of that I might need that I don't. Where's my budget spreadsheet? Oh, reminds me, if you want to be in on the loop, email me, we'll talk. There is a pretty lengthy screening process involved, so be sure you let me know soon, because otherwise this film will be done by the time you get through the background check and full-body cavity search. And don't call me just because you want the full-body cavity search. I wish I didn't have to say that up front like this, because it is crude, but we've already had some calls, so I just really need to stress that part from the get-go.
*If you wish to send a large contribution that will solely go towards the making of the film, you're just kidding yourself because we all know the bulk of that's gonna be paid out in taxes and "licenses & permits" [a.k.a "taxes"], but seriously, if you want to send it straight to the Big Chicken Bidness Partners, let me know, and I'll tell you where to send a check. Or come pick it up from you. But I am not posting my address on here due to the wackos that are known to frequent chicken-skate websites.
11.) Copyright/Trademark etc for zbigchicken and Big Chicken Bidness Partners, and/or any other professional names we can come up with.
12.) Tip money fund (for food servers, station attendants, and other, varied service providers throughout the land)
I'll update the list as we go along.
**I say this stuff jokingly, but am seriously making a film here and also seriously need the help, so I hope you can find it in your hearts to see past my corny sense of humor and straight into the heart of this solid business endeavor. Can you imagine how funny this film will be? I can. Especially with your help. Thanks.
J.L. Godwin
Home of the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet.
