You know, thinking back to the events that led up to all of the trouble that Craigslist is now facing, I can't help but feel in some way responsible. Of course, logically I know that I'm not, but still there is this nagging thought that maybe, if I wouldn't have posted such nonsense, that none of this would have ever happened. Sigh. Poor Craigslist. Poor, poor Craigslist. Left to fend for itself. I'll stand by you, Craiglist! You can count on me to post for free! (BTW, how does CL afford to stay in business? I would just Google that, but I'm a little busy right now trying to do some cutting and pasting, not to mention some polishing up in the "Edit HTML" portion of the blog. Does that make me a cyber-geek? I've always wanted to hang with the geeks, but so far, they've refused to have me, which just hurts, is what it does. IT HURTS, GEEKS! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I MAY BE A BIG CHICKEN BUT I CAN STILL ACKNOWLEDGE MY FEELINGS IN PUBLIC, SO BACK OFF!
I just remembered that you aren't supposed to be reading this page until I'm gone next week. Of course, I realize that you are going to go ahead and read it anyway, and especially because I told you not to, because, after all, that is one very safe way to feel naughty. But, just an FYI here for you, reader: sometimes I modify entries. After I've published them. Yeah, I've been known to do it a time or few. Did it once today already. Done it before. Gonna do it again. But you, how are you gonna know if I've done it if you're not "Following" me?
Oh, one more thing, you really should schedule in a solid block of time before you read the "stuff" I posted on Craigslist last month. After all, you know just how very long-winded I can be. So, unless you're a "skimmer," just put this one on your To-Do list, and go ahead, go take a break, and do something fun for a little while. Then come back, relax, eat some homemade popcorn, support my work with the low-cost purchase of your very own Cyber-Chicken Theater Tickets, and read something funny. Or go watch a movie or something, although really there is nothing out there yet that could even come close to comparing to a film about a guy in a tastefully-done chicken suit who races some 90-something year old Canadian priest on all-terrain roller blades. Man, I hope we can get that guy to be in the film. Yes, I have absolute confidence that, together (you, me, supportive-universe makes three, unless you get all caught up in the we are all one thing again, except don't because I am trying to post the CL things and that train of thought always makes my head spin), that's right, Together, we can do this fowl thing.
By the way, I am not going to post the transcript of this one ad that I posted after an evening of slamming shots of milk trying to drink this one cow under the table. (Which raises the question: why do I find the thought of a full-grown cow drinking milk to be disgusting? I mean, I eat eggs without a second thought.) It was all like "cluck this, and cluck that," and just really obscene and abusive, whenever I think of it now. So, I'm really sorry, and I won't post anything like that again. But, if you buy a cyber-ticket, I'll maybe email it to you. Maybe.
Post Number One-In the "Items Wanted" Section:
Light-Weight Chicken Suit and Pull-Behind Camper Trailer
I would like to dress like a big chicken and rollerskate/rollerblade in various locations from the northwestern US to Arizona or possibly Louisiana.
Need donations of:
One light-weight chicken suit (or other large bird suit that is not copyrighted or otherwise limited for use in a film)
Have truck, but need a pull-behind travel trailer to live/work in. Truck can pull 5,000lbs but I need to check on the weight limit for my hitch. Will-update post if anyone seems interested.
Gas money would be great, too.
Serious inquiries only.
Post Number Four-In the "Resumes" Section: (Posts Numbers 2 and 3 Intentionally Left Out)
Big Roller-Skating Chicken
The Big Chicken
Second Roost from the End
Farmer Bob's Place
Big, svelte, roller-skating chicken. Chick magnet..
History, loooong history in food service. More recent history in environmental consulting, often confused with the “canary in the coalmine,” but much, much larger. Especially adept at wiping out on pavement. Funny. Willing to dress like a large chicken and travel, what more do you want?! Smoker, but planning to quit (That's really more of a habit than a skill, think I should put that in a resume? Would 'blowing smoke-rings' constitute a skill? Ah, I know I should quit, I really do, it's just that, they're like my best friend, you know? How am I ever going to stop....)
Skills and Qualifications:
Strong verbal and written communication skills. Not bad for a chicken, eh?
Domestic Experience:
Long held post as “Cock of the Walk” at Farmer Bob's. 1989 through the Present
Education:
Initial imprinting from the big red hen (I sure do miss her. Life seemed so much simpler then, you know? Follow my mom, stay away from the chopping block, and watch out for hawks, the occasional fox, or wayward dog. Now it's all about the bling and guarding my resources. It makes me so tired! I just want to return to that simpler time. Maybe research my roots, learn about my family history. Spend more time checking out the chicks and less time fighting with the blood-sucking ticks, you know what I'm saying? Who's with me?!)
Further trained by the big white, stuttering rooster on Saturday-morning cartoons
Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts, 2012
Follow the Chicken http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/
https://twitter.com/zbigchicken
This Chicken is not affiliated with the town of Chicken, Alaska.
Yet.
Post Number Five-In the "Domestic Gigs Offered" Section
Big Chicken Seeks Mentor
Are you a big chicken? Are you reliable? Have you skated across America? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be the chicken for me! Maybe. Keep going.
About me:
I am a big, surly, silent, roller-skating chicken with a dream of traveling around the US and making a movie. About myself. Well, of course it's about me! What, do you think I'monna sit here on my perch all day dreaming about making a movie where you're the star? Get real.
Anyway, back to me. Or, rather, back to what I'm looking for.
What I'm Looking For (Cont.)
I'm looking for the type of chicken mentor who will say things to me like this (follows) with real meaningful looks in their eyes “This chicken thing, it's a gift. Don't let nobody take that from you (a note here about grammar, I want you to say it like I write it. Yes, I am aware that that is a control issue and I am fine with that, because I am funny and you are not. Resuming your dialogue-) Don't let nobody take that from you, because, no matter what nobody (okay, wait a minute, you can say anybody here because it may sound better, let's try it both ways and see which one sounds better. Pause. Okay, anybody. Resume-) because no matter what anybody says, you've got what it takes” (now tap the area over your heart. No, the left side, the heart's on the left side, oh for crying. Out. Loud. Thank god you're not in the healthcare industry, that's all I'm sayin') Now, tap your heart once more and finish with “And that's what matters.”
More about me:
Socially inept, silent, smoker. My resume is posted on my blogspot.
So, if you think you have what it takes to be a mentor to a big, roller-skating chicken, Act Now! This position won't last long. Already, there are tons of chicks biting at the bit. Which may or may not be all that great, because this chicken is a dude, so I want someone who's really tough. But will do what I say (again, refer to “control issues” sentence, above)
Thank you for your consideration. I will be accepting resumes through mid-September or until this ad goes dead, whichever comes first. And yes, I am aware that I can re-post my ad, Mr. Smarty-Pants-Know-It-All, so don't even try to tell me what to do.
Sincerely,
The Big Chicken
PS-I could really use some good leadership and guidance. Just don't try to tell me what to do. Or how to do it. But, otherwise, feel free to mentor me in the best way that YOU know how.
Again, I thank you for your time and consideration.
PPS-The Big Chicken (that is to say, “Me,” or, rather, in this case, “I,” no, wait, it would be third person, so “He,” like royalty. Start over.) This Big Chicken is in NO WAY AT ALL affiliated with the doubtless wonderful and liberated town of Chicken, Alaska. I just had to throw that in there because I think those guys are really very wonderful. They just refused to fund my endeavors is all. Well, they didn't refuse as much as said they didn't have funding available for people who want to dress like a big chicken and roller skate across the country. Said they couldn't AFFORD it. And after all I did for them. You know what, now that I think of it, that's just not right. And now, I'm starting to realize that I just don't love them anymore. Not after what they did for me, which was NOTHING! Not a darn thing. And after all of the nice letters I wrote them, asking them for money, or guidance, but primarily money, you would think that they would have at least helped a brother out. Seriously, now that I think about it, I'm getting pretty doggone ticked off. Well, I don't need them, and you know what I've realized? After long and thoughtful consideration, or just purposeful deliberation, well, since that one sentence I wrote about one hot minute ago, and thinking this through as best I can in a fit of anger, when the blood vessels are constricted and not enough oxygen is getting to my head (which is why, incidentally, you can never think of anything REALLY good to say until after you're not mad anymore, just a lil' tidbit o'science thrown in there for your viewing pleasure, use it if you find it helpful) after all that, I have realized that I don't have to be nice to them either. I can be civil, if I want to, because, really, I value peace, except if some sucker messes with me. But really, I don't have to be nice to the Town of Chicken, even though I probably will because, for all of my blustering, I really don't, no, you know what? This is it. I've had it.
Our relationship is through. Do you hear me, Chicken? It's over. I am moving on and asking for money elsewhere. Goodbye. Don't even try to win me back with your phone calls, or your fancy promises of airfaire (I know you never offered me fancy, European-style spellings of everyday words, it was what I asked you for, but really, Chicken, you could have at least given me that), or your gifts of insightful and richly humorous emails.
Oh, god, Chicken, I miss you so much. How am I ever going to live without you? This hurts so much, I have never felt pain like this. It's all your fault, Chicken. You did this to me! You made me hurt this way. If it wasn't for you, I never would have felt this way. I hate you! No, go away, don't follow me. We are officially through.
Follow the Big Chicken at http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/
https://twitter.com/zbigchicken
And, really, if you know a mentor, or have a rich uncle with expendable income, or someone with dirty money who needs to “launder” it, send 'em on over my way. Cause my folks, man, they are poor, scratchin' out some income, just scrapin' by, you know what I'm saying? Course you do, because you are brilliant. And rich, too, I hope.
This is one Big Chicken. Signing off.
Oh, wait, just remembered that this one's posted in the 'gigs offered' section. So, technically, I'm supposed to be offering to pay YOU. Ew, how did I ever manage to step in this mess. Hey, I'll tell you what, you tell me what you think you're worth, and I'll berate you, and then we can argue some, although you'll probably get the last word in because I don't speak, plus I'm a big c#!%*&n, and then you'll demand how much money you want, and I'll promise that I'll give it to you, because I know you've got kids to feed, or at least you said you did when we first met, but I noticed their mom was at the government building signing up for food stamps and you were driving off on your fancy mo-ped, so don't even try to act like you're taking care of your family because I know you're not. What's that? I don't care how many illegitimate kids you think I have because that is a lie. You talked to Tammy? Really? How did you find her? Oh. Patrice, too? S%#t. Who told you? You ain't talked to uh, Allison yet, have you? Why? No reason. Hey, you wanna go get some coffee? I'm sorry I said all that about your kids. I'm just having a hard time these days, you know? Trying to find a mentor, and some funding. Ok, so here: you find us some funding, and I'll make a fool of myself in front of millions, and maybe we can pay for some of our kids' college funds. Whaddaya say? Wanna be my poultry promoter? Pay dependent on experience, or commission, or something. C'mon, just write me, we'll talk. I tell you what, seeing as how I'm new to this and all, why don't you tell me how you see it working. Yeah, I know, sometimes I just write and write and write, when maybe I should be reading. It's like my mom always said “you know you have two eyes but only ten wing feathers, so that means you should really be reading more than you type.” I never could understand why she would say that, but hey, my math skills were never all that great.
Okay, I lied, I was on the math team, I admit it. I was just trying to play like I wasn't so I could impress that chick over there with the nice bre-
What's that? This is a family post? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realize, hey wait just a darn minute, this is MY post! I can write what I want to here. As long as it conforms to Craigslist's terms of use. I love you, Craigslist. You mean the world to me. Thank you for hosting this space. Hey, Craigslist? Do you have any funding opportunities for a Big Chicken with a dream? No, okay, just thought I would ask. D%!n.
Post Number 6-In the "Items Wanted" Section:
Light-Weight Chicken Suit and Pull-Behind Camper Trailer – Revised
Many of you remember that I would like to dress like a big chicken and rollerskate/rollerblade in various locations from the northwestern US to Arizona or possibly Louisiana.
You may also remember that I need:
One light-weight chicken suit (or other large bird suit that is not copyrighted or otherwise limited for use in a film)
Have truck, but need a pull-behind travel trailer to live/work in. Truck can pull 5,000lbs but I need to check on the weight limit for my hitch. Will-update post if anyone seems interested.
Gas money would be great, too.
Due to the underwhelming response to my first ad, highly trained market analysts have advised me to elaborate on what it is exactly that I need.
So, for the chicken suit, I want something that is regal, refined, dashing, and a little bit sexy, but not too much - we don't want to overdo this thing here. Also, masculine.
Then, regarding the pull-behind camper trailer (hereinafter or at least sometimes referred to as the pbct)
I want a good one! Not some crappy ole, moldy, rotted-tire-havin' sort of a thing you've had sitting in your back yard, but something nice, like the one you've been keeping in storage. And free. So, again, and I just really cannot stress this enough, the pull-behind camper trailer with good tires, good brakes, a toilet with a bath (not a wet bath, I don't want to clean every time I shower, cause that would mean at least, like, once a week, and just the thought of that makes me very, very, very tired) oh, and a nice kitchen, and a tile floor, please, because I do not, repeat, do not want carpet, although rugs would be great, but there again only if you've never had cats; in which case I would then be willing to consider carpet, too.
Then, if you have one that's got any cool kinds of electronic gizmos, like beds that slide up and down, such as my neighbor here in the RV park has (the show-off), that would definitely be in your favor.
Listen, are you getting all of this down? Feel free to print this page if you need to. And, if you act now, I will also throw in this handy little checklist. This is a sweet deal, but it won't last long, so hurry. Call now. Print the handy checklist first.
(Checklist) WANTED
Free pull-behind camper trailer, solid, not the canvas-wall-type
Excellent condition (although “good” condition may also be considered. Listen, if you have one you think I might like, and it's only in “fair” condition, gimme a call. We'll talk. I may be able to help you out, but remember, I would be doing you a huge favor, taking that beast off your hands, so don't waste my time if you think it might actually be better described as being in “poor” condition, ya loser. Get a job.)
Film crew. Also free, or at least willing to work for a real cheep-skate (see “purpose and intent” introductory statement above.)
Good tires.
Good brakes.
Full kitchen.
Nifty gadgets and gizmos a real plus.
If you're bored and rich, and want to come along too, just let me know. I may be willing to consider a trade. Like, for example, in trade for your money and your silence, I will let you have my parking spot here at the RV resort. It's a very good spot, slightly used, but still in great condition. You'll need to also come up with the rent for the parking space, because that is not part of this deal. And, of course, if you give me your camper trailer, you will no longer have that, but you would have this great spot to put it in and, since you've really grown as a person since we first met, I think you'll realize what a very good, solid deal this is that I am offering to you today.
But just for today. Because tomorrow, it may be gone. Don't let this golden opportunity to give me an RV, or pbct, rather, fly out the window, because you'd really kick yourself tomorrow. Why do that when you can kick yourself today? Call now. JK! I'm not putting my phone # on CL, are you kidding?! Use the anonymous “reply to” and put Chicken in the header so I know you're not a freak.
Again, I would like to remind you that I am interested in serious inquiries only.
And it needs to be one of the shorter pbct's, because, as I said, my truck cannot pull anything larger, so let's keep this thing down to around the 15' size or so. Thank you.
And, Finally, Post Number Seven - Again, In the "Resumes" Section: (And this because of the spammer who broke my heart)
RE: Big Roller-Skating Chicken
An Open Letter to Scammers:
Hello,
Big Chicken here, writing a letter to the person or persons who sent me a fake offer of employment after I posted my resume on this fine and fair and just website the other night. To all of you scammers out there who would mock the chicken, beware! My wrath knows no bounds.
Plus, it just really hurt when I found out, after taking the time to write to her this lovely letter of intent showing interest in the position that she had offered to me, that it (the position, or, positions, rather) was fake.
So take that, Fern! And yes, I am leaving your name in here, because it's probably a fake name anyway.
All kidding aside,
The BC
Stop that laughing. Stooooppppp. Stop it. Go get ready, we need to go. Wait! Read my letter back to her first.
Hello Fern,
Thank you for your interest. Yes, I am currently seeking employment, and would like to inquire as to the positions you are offering.
I am including a link to my blog, which has a standard cover letter expressing interest in a position. Please feel free to use that as a cover letter to your firm as an expression of interest in one of the three positions you are offering.
Sincerely,
The Big Chicken
PS-Could you describe the positions please? I mean, at this point, I would take just about any kind of work, even for chicken scratch, but I would like to pretend like I still have some standards, so if you would kindly send the job descriptions, I will pretend like I am evaluating them. Thank you.
PPS-Please be aware that if you continue to respond, I will begin posting our correspondences on my blog because, frankly, Fern, I need all the help I can get. Again, I thank you in advance for any help with this. Oh, and that part in the standard cover letter that expresses my intention to dominate you and take over your position within one year? Please just strike that part, because, since this is you, after all, I will do it in three. Because I like you. Already I can tell, Fernie, you are my kinda gal. Really, though, you should begin a focused effort on building your savings account now, is all I'm saying.
PPPS-It has long been my dream for one of my posts to be elevated to the magnificent glory of the Best of Craigslist. If you're really my friend, Fern, you could help me get there. Just think of what that could do for you, Fair Fern. When you do think of what that could do for you, Fern, please let me know, because I'm drawing a blank here. Thank you for your support!
Promised link
http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/
Also, that other post I made on Craigslist, the one where I was all mad, please don't elevate that one, Fern, because I was in a really bad mood and had had wayyyy too much milk, and said some things I didn't mean and I wish I could take it all back because I really regret it and am sorry for my evil ways and, but, well, honestly, I'd probably do it again if I thought it could get me what I want, but really, it didn't seem effective, so I am thinking that I could probably give that up. Anyhoo, nice chatting with you. Hope to see you again sometime. You seem like a pretty cool chick. Ever, uh, gone out with a chicken? No, no, not me, of course not! I hardly know you. It's just, I've got this friend.
I don't. Really. You know. Have a friend. You're the only one.
That's not true, I do too have a friend, and he says he is a town in Alaska, but I'm not sure I believe him, because he hasn't even invited me up there yet to stay, and I really like him, but it would probably never work (as a friend) anyway because he is clearly a municipality and I, a lone chicken.
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