Politicians, Arachnids, and Paper Napkins - The Plot Thickens

I'd like to do a stolen paper napkin series about bugs, but I think that the restaurants where I get these great napkins from may not appreciate the possible connections between their establishments and the insect world.  Most places I know of would rather have poison sprayed on a regular basis than have interesting-looking six-legged creatures milling about.  I'm not trying to be critical of the overuse of carcinogenic chemicals in eating establishments, because I know what it's like to deal with bugs, what with that one black widow infestation I lived with at that one house.  Although, technically, black widows are not considered to be true bugs, by anyone who gives a ham.  Rather, they are arachnids.

Hey, you guys wanna learn neat stuff about spiders?  Well go conduct some research or something.  But, if you want some misinformation, then I'm your man, baby.  Okay, all off memory here, because remember how reliable mine is?  Hahaha, I know.  This should be fun.  In fact, let's make it a game, shall we?  After all, I'm not dating anyone!**  So, Big Chicken's Contest for the Day is this - Whoever Spots the Misinformation First, or the First Bit of Misinformation, Wins!  (And all of the words leading up to this, anywhere else in this blog, count.  No, wait, they don't count.  Nevermind.)  So, let's begin.

Tarantulas are large-ish spiders that have urticating hairs. Couple of questions raised by that statement, I'm sure, so let me clear that up for you now without doing a stitch of verification.  After all, this is "fiction," and we all know what that means.  So, yes, spiders do have hairs.  We mammalian birds are not the only ones with hairs; itty bitty*- spiders have them too.  And tarantulas, at least the ones that dwell in the Sonoran Desert Region of the Southwestern United States, can shoot those hairs out if they need to.  Why would they do that?  Why, to survive, of course!  Because for all their bad rap***, and sophisticated classifications, as it turns out, they are simply another possible tasty food source for other creatures.  Some people eat spiders.  Some birds eat spiders.  (Given those two "facts," my chances of eating spiders seem to be pretty high up there.  I suppose that, with the proper seasoning, they'd probably be as good as any other protein source.)  So they shoot these little irritating hairs out in self-defense. 

I'm wandering.

Okay, more "facts."  You know how spiders have eight eyes?  Guess what?  No, you gotta guess.  No, I'm not gonna just tell you.  Why?  Because I like it when you squirm.  Ha, look at you.  Fidgeting.  You want to know this so bad.  Don't you?  Don't you?  Hey, where are you going?  Don't you want to play this game?  Fine.  I'll play it by myself.

So, you know how spiders have eight eyes?  Well, guess what?  Not all spiders have eight eyes.  Some of them have six, some have four, and there are even spiders that only have two.  (Now those are the true eight-legged freaks there.  Two eyes.)  And, there are people out there who have been able to tell what species a spider is solely by the arrangement of the eyes, because there is significance in the pattern of arrangement on the head.  Also, some spiders, such as jumping spiders, who are the kinds of hunters who roam about looking for their prey, and right now the name for that eludes me and I'm refusing to go do a simple search because I promised (I promised) you that I would do this without research or verification of the "facts" I'm doling out here, just because I want to show off so bad and am really craving the attention, so I'm resorting to the old standby of "even bad attention is better than no attention" (which reminds me, remind me to tell you later about my decision to go into politics), which is why I'm in showbiz, so, uh, where was I, oh, yes, so they have better vision (you may even sometimes notice them watching you, so if you ever find them out hunting in your office, take a moment and go check them out and see what it is that they're looking at because they're probably there trying to hunt you.  Just kidding!  They're much too small to hunt you.  But they look really cool, so you should look at them.  Trust your big hunky chicken on this one.) than, say, the widows, who are passive hunters, meaning that they just sort of hang out in the webs that they build and wait for insects to come to them.  All sorts of neat spiders out there.  Some of them are like little spider cowboys that throw out lines of silk to catch their prey.

What else about spiders?  Let's do one more before we wrap this up because I may actually go to the coffee shop and see if there are any cute chicks there.  (Just kidding.  too scared.  I'll just stay here and do a little more "work.")  So, oh, I know.  Spiders can regenerate limbs.  Now, I know some of you, personally, who read this blog, and if I catch you ripping off spider legs just to see if that's true, I'm gonna report you to my assistant, and you know what she's like.  So don't be doing any random acts of violence against arachnids.  Just don't.

By the way, I'm thinking of running for office, so if any of you ghost writers out there have some fancy speeches ready for me, then bring it on.

Your Political,
Chicken

"I'm the Big Chicken, and I approved this message."

**My point here being that this is why I am typing up a funny little blog post this evening rather than doing something....else.

*-This is the technical term.

***Okay, if any one of you out there can make a spider rap song, then you win the mutha lode!  And yes, collaboration is allowed.  So, if you want to work on this with me, you can do that, and that way I can bully you around some and also take more of the "credit."