Allo Everyone,
Today I am pretending that I have a very sexy British accent. Too bad this column is typed, as none of the chicks in my cyber-fanclub can hear me, but boy, do I sound good. Can't type it phonetically, either. Ah, well.
Hm, let's cut to the chase, shall we? After all, you came here for advice, didn't you? Well....didn't you?
You didn't? Well then, why are you here?
Because I am dashing and sexy? Oh, heyyyyy, that's pretty nice. Tell you what, Reader, since you seem to have a bit of a thing for me, I'm just gonna respond to this one letter real quick-like, and then maybe you and me can go get us some grub, I mean grubs, down at the local ice-cream stand.
You don't like cherry-vanilla-grub ice cream? Why not?!!! Oh, because you prefer the roasted garlic and grub? Fair enough. I just hope they have the corn-cones this time, as the Plain-Jane Chocolate-Coated Grub-Waffle Cones seemed to be getting a bit stale the last time I stopped in there.
Dear zbigchicken,
I am worried about my friend. She is a nice enough person, but she likes to pick her nose in public. Now, about my problem. I have this other "friend," and he's a guy, and I would really like to go out with him, but he's a big-time, column-writin' creature with wings, a bill, claws, and a gizzard, who likes to roller-skate, and I'm just not sure how to approach him. What do you think I should do to let him have a clue that I'm interested?
Signed,
Theresa J. Sinclair St. Croix-Felipe Cho Duggenart Swaynie Josimpson
Hey Theresa!
Whassup?!!! Hey, long time no see, girl! How you been? How's your Momma? Your sisters doing okay? How about that really cute one? Is she doing pretty good? You should tell her to call me sometime. I saw her a few months back. She was looking really good! Even after having those three kids. She still with that guy? Did you ever wonder what she saw in him? I mean, she is a total hottie, and he's such a loser! Hey, are you still picking your nose in public?
You should call me sometime! We could have lunch. Oh, and hey.....bring your sister!
Z' callous,
Chicken
Dear ZBig,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your advice column for some time just hoping I would need some serious advice at some point, and, well, it happened!
I'm in a very happy relationship with this guy. He's a sweatheart - brings me flowers, doesn't check out my girlfriends, has a great job, and loves me.
Then, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from a PRINCE! And he's a prince of an exotic country too! Nigeria! He says he'd like send $3,000,000 American dollars directly to my bank account. He was awfully flirtatious in his e-mail too!
What should I do?
Signed,
Future Nigerian Princess?