The Government Pen That I Stole

The message that I am typing for you today was originally written up, or laid fresh this morning, with the government pen that I stole.  Now, I have mixed feelings about this because, even though it is one mighty fine writing instrument and tool, it clearly says "U.S. Government" on the side, which serves as a constant reminder to me that I stole from my country.  (A country that I happen to love deeply because, even with it's shortcomings, it is a country of vast resources, wealth, and opportunities.)

That being said, when I was doing work for this one government agency a little while back, as an employee (which I bet it's finally making sense to you now why I am crazy today), but while working for that one agency, and we'll just call it the ________ Bureau (because I've always wanted to use that blank line [that is to say, this thing right here---> ______] as an ode to Hemingway, although maybe it should really be considered an ode to Hemingway's editors or publishers because I'm wondering if he really cared that much about deleting or omitting curse words that he obviously initially wrote into the story anyway), so when I was doing work for the _______ Bureau, I just really liked this pen and so, when my time was up, I kept it.  And it was a real internal dilemma, because I try, for the most part, not to steal, but this time I just gave in, threw caution to the wind, and kept this wonderful little ink pen.

The part that confuses me is this: this is a pen that was bought with money that was collected "voluntarily" from me and my family and friends (those of my friends who actually pay their taxes and I'm not gonna name any names here, but ______) by a government that is run by the people and for the people.  I'm sure I heard that somewhere once.  But then, taking something that is not mine is stealing, and that's wrong, and I know that, so it tortures me still.  Maybe torture is too strong a word here.  It bugs me, is what it is.  Every time I use it, which is often, because it is a good pen, which is surprising in and of itself because you know how (and maybe you don't know how, but this is my understanding of how it works, and I'm just making stuff up here but here goes) the government will go with the bottom-dollar contractor, even if the product or service is inferior, just because "they" (which is really "us," if I understand anything about how our government is supposed to work) have to answer to "us" (i.e. the taxpayers, which should probably include "them," too, but I'm guessing that sometimes it don't**.)

Where was I going with this?  And if the taxpayers (we) think the officials (us, or them - no, wait, grammatically that, too, would be "we," if you follow me, although "they" are really in charge of "us" - how did that happen?) overspent, there would be hell to pay.  Namely, a lot of grumbling on radio talk shows and by water coolers and in newspapers nationwide.  So you can see how bad the consequences could be for the agency that decides to go with something other than a low-bottom bid.  Even though the government, that would be me, you, us, them, also hires highly trained, highly skillful, highly paid persons (who happen to also be members of the U.S. [sometimes, usually], or "us," as it were, which technically fulfills the promise of security since it provides jobs) to make sure that the chosen contractors also have the skills, resources, and abilities to do the job at a rock bottom price.  Which is actually a very good deal and a smart way to do business.  I see your point.  My point eggs-actly.

Oh, yes, and so the products are often-times inferior as a result.  Well, not this time, because, as I said before, this is really a very fine and solid pen.  Good ink flow, nice weight.  It's just about the best pen that my money didn't buy, although technically it did because I do pay taxes.  Always have, and always will, until I can enter that hallowed realm way up high where attorneys and tax accountants, working together, can "do something about that" for me.  It's a beautiful thing, this pen, and, if I remember correctly, it is the only thing I ever stole* from this our Great, Great Land.  Okay, there was a pad of paper, too, but you would have lifted that thing, too, if you were a writer like me.  Which you're probably not, because, at this point anyway, you have chosen instead to become one of the flock.  That's right, you have chosen in your infinite beauty and wisdom (because you are,  in addition to being smart, also very good-looking, especially since you took the time to preen your feathers this morning, and I just have to say that you always look incredibly cute when you do that-)

Not that I would ever notice those kinds of things because I am One Big, Hulking, Scary Chicken that Stole From Our Government, so don't mess with me, fool, because I will crush you like I did not crush that town of the same or similar name that never came through with the dough.  I am still planning on crushing that town, I just haven't told them yet because one, I didn't want to hurt their feelings, and two, they still may come through with funding so I'd rather they not see how crazy I am.

Yet.

Hey, if you like what you see here and you want to see more, well, first - pay your light bill, because you need the power to turn your computer on and, while I know times are hard and we're all cutting back (except for the super-elite, oh, well, maybe they decided to fore-go buying that one island this year, and really it's none of my business how they spend their money anyway, I guess it just hurts that so far, they haven't showered any of that wonderful wonderful cash on me, which is probably a good thing because have you ever smelled a wet chicken?  They [we] can be a little stinky.  Which is one of the many, varied reasons that I rarely bathe), still, you really need to think that one decision through.  I'm not saying don't not pay it, just think about it first, is all.  Then, let me know how I can help you, lovely reader.  Because, after all, that is what I am here for.  Well, that and the abuse.  Yes, the verbal abuse.  Oh, and the insanity.  Right.  That's true.  And the money.  (P.S. - please send some) But just remember, when you're pointing your finger at me here, that, on a spiritual level, I am really a reflection of you.  And, my goodness, you are looking handsome today, so what does that make me?  Dashing.  That's what.  So, again, I thank you and as ever, I remain your

Chicken

*I am not saying I never stole, only that I don't remember what it is I stole.  Which is a lie.

**haha, look, I tricked you by putting the double asterisk in the text prior to the single asterisk.  How could you be so gullible?  I ALWAYS get you on that one.  You'd think a person would have learned at least that much by now.  Tell you what, come back tomorrow, I'll have a nice, orderly array of asterisk-esess, all laid out for your inspection (get it? laid?  get it?  huh? huh? huh?   When you do get it, pass some of it my way, please, because I think it's pretty apparent by now, or should be, rather, that this stardom hasn't been all it's cracked up to be.)  Ok, the real double asterisk note follows.

**OOOOOO,HOOOOO, slam!  I gotchu again, and this time I wasn't even trying but you just fell right in to that.  Kidding aside ('cause I am very very hungry and need to go have a big bowl of, what's our favorite food now, ladies and  wheat germs?  That's right...Oatmeal!  Oatmeal, oatmeal, a wonderful filling treat, oatmeal, oatmeal, it tastes like sweaty wet feet.)

Here's the real deal, double asterisks included:

**Regarding the blatant mis-use of the word "don't" back there, wayyyy back up near the start of this riveting internal and yet amazingly typed monologue:  if you ever spend time in the southeast (U.S) and get to know the really smart and wonderful people who live there, you'll find at times an almost defiant mis-use, or breaking of the rules, of grammar.  But don't think for one instant that that makes the person you are talking to a fool.  Because then they might also get drunk and kick your butt.  Listen, I know it's crazy, you know it's crazy, but that's really how it works so we should maybe just try to respect each other, is all I'm saying.  Like, T______, you are not going to get me over there just to kick my a!%.  Don't tell me you didn't think it, cause I heard you laughing alllll the way over here.  Who said I was a chicken?