You know, they say to choose your words with care, and for this week's letter, I couldn't agree more.
Dear zbigchicken,
I am having a hard time with my uncle, who is unable to speak without cussing. I find it a deplorable trait in any human, but especially in a family member. Do you have any advice?
Sincerely,
Hoping to Overcome Practically Everything, For the Useful Lessons
Dear Hopeful,
Thanks for writing about your concern. First, I would say to get off your poor old uncle's back, and then I would say to shut the hell up.
Your,
'Caustic to be Around' Chicken
Home of the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet.
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Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tits
Hola Amigos y Enemigos,
Hoy, en Chicken
Today we have a letter from a troubled reader whose self image was damaged greatly, through no fault of her own, and whose life will never be the same again. Bump, bump, bummmmmmmmmmmmmm!
Dear zbigchicken,
Recently this guy broke up with me because he said that my tits are too small. I told him that I got them in Europe and that they aren't supposed to be huge, but he said that they were still too small for him, and that, since I kept them in a cage in my bedroom, that the peeping would be more than he could deal with anyway. What should I do, big chicken? I mean, I never thought that keeping pet passerines from the tit family would be a problem, but apparently it is. Now, how can I keep both the blue tits (Cyanistes caeruleus - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Tit ) and the man that I love.......................................to have sex with?
Sincerely,
Trying In Tactful Totality to Investigate Effective Solutions
Dear, uh, TITTIES,
Listen, I really really really like your name. I don't know why, eggsactly, but it sure calls to me. Now, about this loser: first, is he rich? No? Dump him. Second, is he better looking than I? Double-dog dump him. Third, don't fault the guy for not liking the small tits, as there's the matter of preference, especially in regards to pets. So, if you really want to keep this guy around and keep him happy, I would say, get rid of those teeny blue tits, and go ahead and get yourself some Great Tits (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Tit ), as they seem to have a broader appeal, although peeping in the bedroom may still be a problem.
You're welcome.
The "I think that the study of passerines, and specifically that of tits, will henceforward be a large working part of my blog" Chicken
Hoy, en Chicken
Today we have a letter from a troubled reader whose self image was damaged greatly, through no fault of her own, and whose life will never be the same again. Bump, bump, bummmmmmmmmmmmmm!
Dear zbigchicken,
Recently this guy broke up with me because he said that my tits are too small. I told him that I got them in Europe and that they aren't supposed to be huge, but he said that they were still too small for him, and that, since I kept them in a cage in my bedroom, that the peeping would be more than he could deal with anyway. What should I do, big chicken? I mean, I never thought that keeping pet passerines from the tit family would be a problem, but apparently it is. Now, how can I keep both the blue tits (Cyanistes caeruleus - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Tit ) and the man that I love.......................................to have sex with?
Sincerely,
Trying In Tactful Totality to Investigate Effective Solutions
Dear, uh, TITTIES,
Listen, I really really really like your name. I don't know why, eggsactly, but it sure calls to me. Now, about this loser: first, is he rich? No? Dump him. Second, is he better looking than I? Double-dog dump him. Third, don't fault the guy for not liking the small tits, as there's the matter of preference, especially in regards to pets. So, if you really want to keep this guy around and keep him happy, I would say, get rid of those teeny blue tits, and go ahead and get yourself some Great Tits (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Tit ), as they seem to have a broader appeal, although peeping in the bedroom may still be a problem.
You're welcome.
The "I think that the study of passerines, and specifically that of tits, will henceforward be a large working part of my blog" Chicken
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Z'Perils of Being Famous
Z'very big and frightening Federal Justice Department left a comment on my blog at the end of this post here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2011/06/bad-bad-baaaaad-advice.html , and do you know what's really funny? They said "weiner." They did! Right there on my blog. Ah ha, ah ha, ah heeeeeeee.....weiner. That is so funny.
Now, in all seriousness, I'm guessing (because I am very astute, and cute) that the entity who posted that comment was not, in fact, the Federal Justice Department. Maybe I'm way off base here, but that's what I think. Nonetheless, seeing that government entity referenced there helps to remind me to be grateful that I'm not famous yet. Why? Because as things now stand, I am still able to poke fun at the federal government and the businesses that run it without long drawn out legal battles and physical and psychological intimidation of my family and friends for doing things like saying that I won't eat beef or because of saving seeds that have been contaminated with patented genes by wind-blown pollen from neighboring farms. Not saying that things like that actually happen or anything, but, if they DID, maybe I could finally get a little bit of free time from Kookaburra, although she hasn't been around for a while, since she got that job at the Federal Justice Departm-
Hey! Wait a minute. Do you know what? The last time I saw her, she was telling me about something, and I was like, I don't know, trying to focus on anything but the annoying sound of her voice, but I do seem to recall her saying that she was going into training to work for that agency, which meant that now, anytime I cheated on her, it would be fully recorded by her cronies at work.
Crap.
Z "foiled again" chicken
Oh, that's funny, the foil reference, you know? Because here it can mean two things:
a.) that I was thwarted in my philander-ous attempts, and
2.) that I was wrapped up for baking in some aluminum foil (that is NOT funny, viewers....that part is definitely not funny) but then, oh, hey, there's another thing-
III.)"FOIL" is a method used in math for distribution. I love it so much. So, anytime I think "foiled again," I can just imagine that I'm at my whiteboard with my favorite plum-colored dry-erase marker, writin' up a storm, and then everything's alright. Genetically modified chickens whose legs buckle under their own weight aside, everything's just fine.
By the way, if I get hungry whenever I think about factory-raised food, does that make me a bad person?
Now, in all seriousness, I'm guessing (because I am very astute, and cute) that the entity who posted that comment was not, in fact, the Federal Justice Department. Maybe I'm way off base here, but that's what I think. Nonetheless, seeing that government entity referenced there helps to remind me to be grateful that I'm not famous yet. Why? Because as things now stand, I am still able to poke fun at the federal government and the businesses that run it without long drawn out legal battles and physical and psychological intimidation of my family and friends for doing things like saying that I won't eat beef or because of saving seeds that have been contaminated with patented genes by wind-blown pollen from neighboring farms. Not saying that things like that actually happen or anything, but, if they DID, maybe I could finally get a little bit of free time from Kookaburra, although she hasn't been around for a while, since she got that job at the Federal Justice Departm-
Hey! Wait a minute. Do you know what? The last time I saw her, she was telling me about something, and I was like, I don't know, trying to focus on anything but the annoying sound of her voice, but I do seem to recall her saying that she was going into training to work for that agency, which meant that now, anytime I cheated on her, it would be fully recorded by her cronies at work.
Crap.
Z "foiled again" chicken
Oh, that's funny, the foil reference, you know? Because here it can mean two things:
a.) that I was thwarted in my philander-ous attempts, and
2.) that I was wrapped up for baking in some aluminum foil (that is NOT funny, viewers....that part is definitely not funny) but then, oh, hey, there's another thing-
III.)"FOIL" is a method used in math for distribution. I love it so much. So, anytime I think "foiled again," I can just imagine that I'm at my whiteboard with my favorite plum-colored dry-erase marker, writin' up a storm, and then everything's alright. Genetically modified chickens whose legs buckle under their own weight aside, everything's just fine.
By the way, if I get hungry whenever I think about factory-raised food, does that make me a bad person?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Bad, bad, baaaaad advice
Hello Peepers,
I realize that last week, in the course of delivering my standardly fowl advice, I also delved into the arena of financial advice. That may not mean much to you, but it's really quite exciting for me because there is nothing that I love more than giving unsolicited advice on subjects about which I have eggstensively fowl eggsperience. (Whew! Three bastardized words in a row....that's gotta be some kind of record in the annals of chicken-related humor. I win.)
Okay, so this week I am delighted to say that our questioning reader is a very, very close friend who I met last week** and who sounds very cute.
Dear zbigchicken,
I am a very cute college student with a big problem. My professor is flunking me! I can't believe it. I mean, I'm taking this course because it's a requirement, and I show up to class every day that I want to, which is about every third or fifth class, unless I need to do something else, and then I do my homework if it's convenient, but it's not always so I generally don't and then we had some mid-terms part of the way through the semester and I didn't expect that but then when I went up and told him that I didn't know we were going to be tested, do you know what he said? "It's in the syllabus." Oh, right, as if anyone reads that. Who reads that?! Dorks, that's who.
So, then I checked my grades because the financial aid office was like "make sure you keep your GPA above a certain amount, or you will lose financial aid," and I was like, "Whoahhhhh! They can't do that! What a bunch of jerks. They're mean. I hate them. Wait, maybe they're lying," (because I lie sometimes, too, like when I told you up there that I go to class every third or fifth time, when it's really more like the sixth) and I asked my Mom about it and she said that it's true, so then I got online right away and searched for someone to do my homework for me, which is when I found the Homework for Sale that you had listed here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/12/homework-for-sale.html , which doesn't seem appropriate for a class on ethics, but that homework looks like pretty good stuff anyway, and plus I'll fail if I don't do SOMETHING.
So, my question is, should I buy that homework from you?
Thanks in advance for any "help" with my education.
Sincerely,
Feeling Like Universities are Never Kind to You
Dear FLUNKY,
Thanks for writing. I agree with you that your professor is being unreasonable, and YES, of course you should buy the homework I have for sale. It is a solid investment, fully refundable if you are not COMPLETELY satisfied*, and morally and ethically sound - just don't tell them that you bought it here. By the way, the homework I have for sale is meant to be strictly decorative, and is by no means considered to be a substitute for your own work. (Doggone imaginary lawyer, reading this over my shoulder again....)
Hey, uh, FLUNKY, do you wanna go out on a date with me? I know you wrote me because you had this problem and you needed advice from someone you could trust and respect, but I just can't pass up the opportunity to cheat on my wife (that's right readers, Kookaburra and I tied the knot, and we didn't tell anybody because I didn't want to lose out on the opportunity to sleep arou-) oh, hey, look at the time!
The Philanderin' Chicken.
PS-Let me know if you want me to tweet some images of my stunning physique.
No, my wife won't mind. Promise! Why would she?
**Anyone know the correct uses of who and whom? Write me - please! I'm too lazy to Google it.
*No refunds or exchanges. Sorry! Company policy.
I realize that last week, in the course of delivering my standardly fowl advice, I also delved into the arena of financial advice. That may not mean much to you, but it's really quite exciting for me because there is nothing that I love more than giving unsolicited advice on subjects about which I have eggstensively fowl eggsperience. (Whew! Three bastardized words in a row....that's gotta be some kind of record in the annals of chicken-related humor. I win.)
Okay, so this week I am delighted to say that our questioning reader is a very, very close friend who I met last week** and who sounds very cute.
Dear zbigchicken,
I am a very cute college student with a big problem. My professor is flunking me! I can't believe it. I mean, I'm taking this course because it's a requirement, and I show up to class every day that I want to, which is about every third or fifth class, unless I need to do something else, and then I do my homework if it's convenient, but it's not always so I generally don't and then we had some mid-terms part of the way through the semester and I didn't expect that but then when I went up and told him that I didn't know we were going to be tested, do you know what he said? "It's in the syllabus." Oh, right, as if anyone reads that. Who reads that?! Dorks, that's who.
So, then I checked my grades because the financial aid office was like "make sure you keep your GPA above a certain amount, or you will lose financial aid," and I was like, "Whoahhhhh! They can't do that! What a bunch of jerks. They're mean. I hate them. Wait, maybe they're lying," (because I lie sometimes, too, like when I told you up there that I go to class every third or fifth time, when it's really more like the sixth) and I asked my Mom about it and she said that it's true, so then I got online right away and searched for someone to do my homework for me, which is when I found the Homework for Sale that you had listed here http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/2010/12/homework-for-sale.html , which doesn't seem appropriate for a class on ethics, but that homework looks like pretty good stuff anyway, and plus I'll fail if I don't do SOMETHING.
So, my question is, should I buy that homework from you?
Thanks in advance for any "help" with my education.
Sincerely,
Feeling Like Universities are Never Kind to You
Dear FLUNKY,
Thanks for writing. I agree with you that your professor is being unreasonable, and YES, of course you should buy the homework I have for sale. It is a solid investment, fully refundable if you are not COMPLETELY satisfied*, and morally and ethically sound - just don't tell them that you bought it here. By the way, the homework I have for sale is meant to be strictly decorative, and is by no means considered to be a substitute for your own work. (Doggone imaginary lawyer, reading this over my shoulder again....)
Hey, uh, FLUNKY, do you wanna go out on a date with me? I know you wrote me because you had this problem and you needed advice from someone you could trust and respect, but I just can't pass up the opportunity to cheat on my wife (that's right readers, Kookaburra and I tied the knot, and we didn't tell anybody because I didn't want to lose out on the opportunity to sleep arou-) oh, hey, look at the time!
The Philanderin' Chicken.
PS-Let me know if you want me to tweet some images of my stunning physique.
No, my wife won't mind. Promise! Why would she?
**Anyone know the correct uses of who and whom? Write me - please! I'm too lazy to Google it.
*No refunds or exchanges. Sorry! Company policy.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Nice Guy Versus 3 Mil - A Real No-Brainer
Hello Everyone. Welcome to the show.
Today's letter of the week comes from a nice gal who's gotta make a tough decision. Does she stick with the man of her dreams, or forfeit a life of potential poverty for a chance to ride the road to riches at the expense of the masses via royalty? You decide.
No, wait....I'M the big-time columnist here, so I'll decide. Now, without further ado, here's the question we've all wanted answered at some time or another, from our current damsel in distress.
Dear ZBig,
I've been reading your advice column for some time just hoping I would need some serious advice at some point, and, well, it happened!
I'm in a very happy relationship with this guy. He's a sweatheart - brings me flowers, doesn't check out my girlfriends, has a great job, and loves me.
Then, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from a PRINCE! And he's a prince of an exotic country too! Nigeria! He says he'd like to send $3,000,000 American dollars directly to my bank account. He was awfully flirtatious in his e-mail too!
What should I do?
Signed,
Future Nigerian Princess?
Dear Effin P,
Thanks for writing. I can tell you right off the bat that you don't need the question mark, 'cause this here is a sure thing. Having determined that, I wish to offer you now my absolutely fair and unbiased, well-thought-out, and dare-I-say-it cutting-edge advice.
First, all other traits aside, is your current boyfriend cute? Because no matter what else he does, it's vital that you be with the winner. Male or female, we all know that whoever has the cutest playmate or spouse wins. Of course, with 3 mil on the table, he better be drop-dead gorgeous, though you're still gonna need to drop him like a hot potata anyway, just long enough to get this dough anyway, if you follow. Also, within that, he doesn't even necessarily need to know about this little "thing" with your prince, now, does he? I mean, if you want to, you could just try to sleep with the prince and have his love child and then extort copious amounts of whatever currency is utilized in that country, all while maintaining your valuable secret from this guy who treats you so well. If you need help hiding the pregnancy, wear big clothes, and pretend like you're mad at him for nine months, then disappear for a few days to have birth and arrange for an on-call nanny to manage the chittlin' while your fella's around forever after. You'll be able to afford it once you gain the "love" of your fair prince.
Next, about that dough: the very first thing you should do (all that other stuff aside, do this part first) is go ahead and reply to that noble prince with your bank account number, because he's certainly going to need that for direct deposit of your THREE MILLION DOLLARS.*
Which brings me to an incidental note, nothing really important - really - but my lawyers have advised me that I should tell you this, so if you can find the proper footnote, the information is all yours. Now, forget I ever said anything.
Finally, next time you write, make sure you use a name that can be made into a funny acronym, okay? Otherwise, how can you expect anyone to ever take you seriously?
Thanks.
Your funky,
Chicken
*I'm getting a little excited here.
*+* Hey, so what is the political structure like in Nigeria anyway? They have a prince over there now? Hm. News to me, though, in all honesty, I don't really know much about politics, even in my own country! Probably not important, anyway.
***BTW, I have now started charging a fee (an exorbitant one!.... but fair) for my gilded relationship advice (not for my Unsolicited Advice - that's still free). So, attached please find a copy of my invoice for services rendered, due upon receipt. That total is $2,999,999.99 plus tax.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
the Chicken
Today's letter of the week comes from a nice gal who's gotta make a tough decision. Does she stick with the man of her dreams, or forfeit a life of potential poverty for a chance to ride the road to riches at the expense of the masses via royalty? You decide.
No, wait....I'M the big-time columnist here, so I'll decide. Now, without further ado, here's the question we've all wanted answered at some time or another, from our current damsel in distress.
Dear ZBig,
I've been reading your advice column for some time just hoping I would need some serious advice at some point, and, well, it happened!
I'm in a very happy relationship with this guy. He's a sweatheart - brings me flowers, doesn't check out my girlfriends, has a great job, and loves me.
Then, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from a PRINCE! And he's a prince of an exotic country too! Nigeria! He says he'd like to send $3,000,000 American dollars directly to my bank account. He was awfully flirtatious in his e-mail too!
What should I do?
Signed,
Future Nigerian Princess?
Dear Effin P,
Thanks for writing. I can tell you right off the bat that you don't need the question mark, 'cause this here is a sure thing. Having determined that, I wish to offer you now my absolutely fair and unbiased, well-thought-out, and dare-I-say-it cutting-edge advice.
First, all other traits aside, is your current boyfriend cute? Because no matter what else he does, it's vital that you be with the winner. Male or female, we all know that whoever has the cutest playmate or spouse wins. Of course, with 3 mil on the table, he better be drop-dead gorgeous, though you're still gonna need to drop him like a hot potata anyway, just long enough to get this dough anyway, if you follow. Also, within that, he doesn't even necessarily need to know about this little "thing" with your prince, now, does he? I mean, if you want to, you could just try to sleep with the prince and have his love child and then extort copious amounts of whatever currency is utilized in that country, all while maintaining your valuable secret from this guy who treats you so well. If you need help hiding the pregnancy, wear big clothes, and pretend like you're mad at him for nine months, then disappear for a few days to have birth and arrange for an on-call nanny to manage the chittlin' while your fella's around forever after. You'll be able to afford it once you gain the "love" of your fair prince.
Next, about that dough: the very first thing you should do (all that other stuff aside, do this part first) is go ahead and reply to that noble prince with your bank account number, because he's certainly going to need that for direct deposit of your THREE MILLION DOLLARS.*
Which brings me to an incidental note, nothing really important - really - but my lawyers have advised me that I should tell you this, so if you can find the proper footnote, the information is all yours. Now, forget I ever said anything.
Finally, next time you write, make sure you use a name that can be made into a funny acronym, okay? Otherwise, how can you expect anyone to ever take you seriously?
Thanks.
Your funky,
Chicken
*I'm getting a little excited here.
*+* Hey, so what is the political structure like in Nigeria anyway? They have a prince over there now? Hm. News to me, though, in all honesty, I don't really know much about politics, even in my own country! Probably not important, anyway.
***BTW, I have now started charging a fee (an exorbitant one!.... but fair) for my gilded relationship advice (not for my Unsolicited Advice - that's still free). So, attached please find a copy of my invoice for services rendered, due upon receipt. That total is $2,999,999.99 plus tax.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
the Chicken