Nice Guy Versus 3 Mil - A Real No-Brainer

Hello Everyone.  Welcome to the show.

Today's letter of the week comes from a nice gal who's gotta make a tough decision.  Does she stick with the man of her dreams, or forfeit a life of potential poverty for a chance to ride the road to riches at the expense of the masses via royalty?  You decide.

No, wait....I'M the big-time columnist here, so I'll decide.   Now, without further ado, here's the question we've all wanted answered at some time or another, from our current damsel in distress.



Dear ZBig,

I've been reading your advice column for some time just hoping I would need some serious advice at some point, and, well, it happened!

I'm in a very happy relationship with this guy. He's a sweatheart - brings me flowers, doesn't check out my girlfriends, has a great job, and loves me.

Then, out of the blue, I received an e-mail from a PRINCE! And he's a prince of an exotic country too! Nigeria! He says he'd like to send $3,000,000 American dollars directly to my bank account. He was awfully flirtatious in his e-mail too!

What should I do?

Signed,
Future Nigerian Princess? 

Dear Effin P,

Thanks for writing.  I can tell you right off the bat that you don't need the question mark, 'cause this here is a sure thing.  Having determined that, I wish to offer you now my absolutely fair and unbiased, well-thought-out, and dare-I-say-it cutting-edge advice.

First, all other traits aside, is your current boyfriend cute?  Because no matter what else he does, it's vital that you be with the winner.  Male or female, we all know that whoever has the cutest playmate or spouse wins.  Of course, with 3 mil on the table, he better be drop-dead gorgeous, though you're still gonna need to drop him like a hot potata anyway, just long enough to get this dough anyway, if you follow.  Also, within that, he doesn't even necessarily need to know about this little "thing" with your prince, now, does he?  I mean, if you want to, you could just try to sleep with the prince and have his love child and then extort copious amounts of whatever currency is utilized in that country, all while maintaining your valuable secret from this guy who treats you so well.  If you need help hiding the pregnancy, wear big clothes, and pretend like you're mad at him for nine months, then disappear for a few days to have birth and arrange for an on-call nanny to manage the chittlin' while your fella's around forever after.  You'll be able to afford it once you gain the "love" of your fair prince.

Next, about that dough: the very first thing you should do (all that other stuff aside, do this part first) is go ahead and reply to that noble prince with your bank account number, because he's certainly going to need that for direct deposit of your THREE MILLION DOLLARS.*

Which brings me to an incidental note, nothing really important - really - but my lawyers have advised me that I should tell you this, so if you can find the proper footnote, the information is all yours.  Now, forget I ever said anything.

Finally, next time you write, make sure you use a name that can be made into a funny acronym, okay?  Otherwise, how can you expect anyone to ever take you seriously?

Thanks.

Your funky,
Chicken

*I'm getting a little excited here.


*+* Hey, so what is the political structure like in Nigeria anyway?  They have a prince over there now?  Hm.  News to me, though, in all honesty, I don't really know much about politics, even in my own country!  Probably not important, anyway.










***BTW, I have now started charging a fee (an exorbitant one!.... but fair) for my gilded relationship advice (not for my Unsolicited Advice - that's still free).  So, attached please find a copy of my invoice for services rendered, due upon receipt.  That total is $2,999,999.99 plus tax.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,
the Chicken