Been doing a little reading, trying to find out how to attract more bugs to this oatmeal that I never eat. Turns out, for any of you freaks out there who don't like the rich protein source that is an insect infestation in your oatmeal you can simply freeze your oats and flour and so forth. Or, what I mean to say is, stick it in your freezer, where it won't freeze, but it will keep those naughty insects at bay. Which is good, because then maybe those guys will send all their relatives on over to my place, where word is that the cabinets are where it's at as far as insect nightlife and parties are concerned. Or at least, that's what the roaches say. (Just don't tell them that I will be eating them shortly before dawn, please. thx.)
One of my long-held beliefs is being challenged today, folks, and that is that the wormie-like thingies in my oatmeal may not actually be weevils after all, but rather the larvae of a moth (which is what I thought a weevil was. Apparently it is not. Mom and Dad, I just want you to know that I blame you for this, and every other, error and misconception I've ever had. Glad we cleared that up. Can you send me fifty bucks? Thanks.) (Make that sixty.) Okay, so the science of the nomenclature is such that my wee little nephew can understand with ease what my chicken-friend brain struggles mightily to comprehend, and that is the link between the mysteries of the natural history of the giant squid and the apparent writhing public misconceptions as far as pests (aka insects) of the stored cereal grains go.*-
Who labeled these guys pests anyway? Talk about biased. It really bugs me. I read this dictionary entry once for insects (yes, I will admit it, I am a complete nerd. Nerdy, nerdy, nerdy, and proud of it. That's right. Proud of it. So proud, that I hide my name deep within the bowels of this blog....yes yes yes. Actually, "geek" may be more appropriate), read an entry for insects from a supposed college dictionary from the 1950's or -60's and the definition was something or other blah blah blah pests. And I don't have that in front of me, so I'm just going off a memory here, which is a verifiable and extremely reliable source (could someone tell me my name please?) and I couldn't believe it. That's right, offended I was. Yeah, I know - me! It takes a lot to push me over the edge, but man, once I - okay, anyhow. So, with the multitude of amazing creatures that comprise the insect world, which is a lot*** I think it's time for a revolution in thought (because that dictionary was probably still current three years ago, right?) regarding insects and their place in our world. Namely, that they are not pests, but instead they are really cool-looking food.
(And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.)
***It's Big Chicken's Contest for the Day, Ladies and Gentlemen! Also, Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person can play, too, but only if you're nicer to the other players than you were the last time, so stop trying to hog up all the space on this blog, because it may not be much, but right now, it's all that I have. So play nice. And pick up after yourselves. Now, the contest for the day is Who Can Say or Do or Think Neat Things or Recite Facts or Tell Stories About Bugs? Or Paint Pictures of Them or Draw Little Sketches?#-
I know this contest has some very strict and rigid and what may be downright overbearing rules and regulations, but I am a control freak, as I thought we had established before. So, if you want to play, then you can do it one of two ways, as is usual, but for those of you who haven't been to my house before, here's how you can play and that is
1. Post a comment anonymously (and then I get to review it and decide whether it's published (please refer to "control freak" reference above) or
2. Send me an email at zbigchicken at gmail dot com or
3. Do both. That's right, I gave you three options. You know why? Because, in addition to being a control freak, I am also codependent, so I want to make you like me, so I do things that I think will make you happy and then when you're not happy then I'm not happy because I have put the responsibility for how I feel on your shoulders. ISN'T THIS A FUN GAME?!!!
*-This sentence means nothing. It is just a bunch of words that I put together because I thought that it sounded good. Like, chicken poetry.
Love, peace, and breadsticks, from
Your Beatnik Chick-en.
Dig
PS-Could anyone tell me what a Beatnik really is? Because I have this misconception that was just developed by disparaging references made about them in popular media. So, I decided to use what I've got, you know, because it's what I've got, and then also to blame the media for my ignorance rather than accept personal responsibility for the amount and types of knowledge that my brain contains, but still, it couldn't hurt to learn about something, right? Especially if I'm going to make fun of it. Except, I want you to learn about it for me.
#-Or Sing a Bug-gy Song. Double bonus points if you record it because then you, too, can be a guest on Big Chicken Radio, the show we've been promising to you for weeks! Hey, speaking of which, I have been listening to some of the programs for BCR, and I thought that I should clean them up before I post them because something is wrong with my handheld recording device and there is this very irritating sound that pops up pretty regularly when my assistant is recording. However, due to laziness coupled with an artificial deadline, I have decided that I will go ahead and post for you the radio programs that you all want to hear. As usual, don't blame me. Because I really, really, really - want for you to like me. So that then you will do what I want. Okay, on second thought, I am going to clean those up because I care.
PS-Did anyone see that person who wrote a tiny comment at the end of yesterday's post? "The Peeper." Listen, I know I'm a big tough guy and everything, but that was so cute!
PPS-Am meeting with the costume designer tomorrow. How cool is that? Think she can make me into a real chicken? Tomorrow's concept day, so she said she'd be able to put together a composite (although she assured me, too, that this image was not being made to help the authorities in their search for me, which was a real load off my back) so pretty soon here we should be able to have the great Unveiling of Chicken. So stay tuned! And if you want to help me reach my goal of skating around the nation in a chicken suit and making a funny movie about it, then stop on by my Paypal account and slip me some cyber-skins, man http://zbigchicken.blogspot.com/p/cyber-chicken-theater-tickets.html )
Remember, too, that you can subscribe to this blog for free, so it'll come to you when hot off the nest, making your life easier because then you won't have to keep remembering to put "read zbigchicken" on your list of to-do's.
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