An Open Letter to Prospective Employers

Dear Ma'am, Sir, or Corporate Entity Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person:

My name is the Big Chicken and, as you have probably gathered from reading my blog, I am currently unemployed, without benefits.  I am writing to you because I want to let you know that I have egg-stensive experience in the poultry industry.  That embarrassment aside (nothing against the poultry industry and its undoubtedly staid and stable workers, I just always thought that I would be doing more with my life than impregnating hens all day)  Wait, did I say that in an employment letter?  You guys think I ought to strike that part?  Ok, here it is, the revised sentence-

Nothing against the staid and stable workers of our great nation's poultry industry, I just have bigger dreams than impregnating hens all day.  (There, that's better.  It was the poor punctuation that really bothered me.  you, too?  I know!  Moving on...)

It is my wish to dress for you like the Big Chicken I am, roller skate around the nation, and make a film about it.  I have begun to express my desire from various electronic platforms, and already have one resounding response. Well, aside from my family and friends, many of whom still support me, even after learning what it is I plan to do.

I am writing to you now to apologize for my apparently offensive and insensitive Craigslist post from the other night.  Again, I am sorry for what I said, and I hope that you all can find it within your black and shriveled   kind and generous hearts to forgive me.

Again, and I just cannot stress this enough, I do not currently have any affiliation with the incorporated municipality, (i.e. "the town") of a similar name in a far northern state.  Oh, sure, I asked them, but so far, they ain't frontin', so I'm left here trying to procure some funding on my very own.

Please give me some work.  Thank you.

The Big Chicken