It's been almost a year since this wacky chicken was born, and so, to celebrate the One Year Anniversary of Zbigchicken's blogspot, we're going to do some special stuff - probably something to do with commitment to a course of action or some such thing - so stay tuned!
In the meanwhile, this is zbigchicken's brother, Bob, saying, "Don't ever let your crazy girlfriend break both of your pinkies, because pecking out messages with a prosthetic beak is nigh on impossible." So, way to go, Kookaburra. Are you happy now? You know my brother's only problem, don't you? It's loving you, you stupid, big-billed, bird-brain. Why don't you go back to the funny farm, eh?
Home of the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet.
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Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
The Worst Advice and the Best Give-A-Way Ever
Hello, and welcome to the blog! Tonight's message is just one of many hilarious, off-the-wall, crazy funny blog posts, so remember to sign up for email or add me to your feed, so you can get your chicken chuckles delivered just as soon as they're hatched. Now, on with z'show.
You know, I noticed tonight that I start quite a lot of sentences with "you know."
Today's column, posted tonight here in my time zone, but I'm getting ahead of myself, or was I getting behind? I'm never quite sure about this time thing, but I think that it has to do with the direction I'm facing and where on the surface of the globe I'm located and probably some other non-linear things that I haven't taken into consideration yet. Anyhow (I say that word a lot, too), for today's relationship advice, The Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet, I've delved into my my sordid present, as opposed to my sordid past, to bring to you a vast plethora of knowledge.
The present circumstance to which I allude may better be detailed in verse, and it has something to do with my crazy girlfriend (who was my wife just last month, but then she divorced me because I'd never let her drive my car, but she got that in the settlement, so now we're dating again so I can use it whenever I can borrow the keys, as long as I fill it with gas before I bring it back), and something else to do with my not wanting to post on z'blog after a long week at work at my day job, and finally, something to do with the one who REALLY wears the pants in the family.
That....ladies and gentlemen, would be me.
Not really. It's her.
Just hurts to admit it, is all.
Back to the point - to make a long story short, she didn't want me to not post, because, after all, this is where my bread is buttered, and lord knows she could use some new bright green glittered nail polish (but who couldn't?) to match her teeth, so she was quite angry with me for saying I shan't be posting tonight. Our exchange thereafter follows, replicated in full for your viewing pleasure:
"Post to z'chicken," she said,
"Post to z'chicken, or you'll never be read."
Said I, "Better for me to just go to bed."
To which she replied, "Do that, and you're dead."
Stupid succinct Kookaburra. I hate it when she threatens my corporal state, but it does bring me to my relationship advice for the week ending July 8, 2011, and that is:
Do whatever it is that your stupid girlfriend tells you to do, else she might kill you in your sleep and then wouldn't you be sorry. (That's not a question.)
So, remember these things: don't think for yourself, date someone who is more murderous than you, and finally, complain about it on internationally read blogging sites.
Sincerely,
Your "I've had a long week and I'm tired" Chicken
PS-Whosoever hath the gumption to count how many times I used the same word beginning with a consonant, but namely the letter "q," followed closely by the letter which rhymes with the word "you," in this, the lone, final blog post for the day, that one shall be the winner of my next give-a-way! What's the prize for the give-a-way?
My wife. I mean, girlfriend.
Ex-wife. Current girlfriend.
You know, I noticed tonight that I start quite a lot of sentences with "you know."
Today's column, posted tonight here in my time zone, but I'm getting ahead of myself, or was I getting behind? I'm never quite sure about this time thing, but I think that it has to do with the direction I'm facing and where on the surface of the globe I'm located and probably some other non-linear things that I haven't taken into consideration yet. Anyhow (I say that word a lot, too), for today's relationship advice, The Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet, I've delved into my my sordid present, as opposed to my sordid past, to bring to you a vast plethora of knowledge.
The present circumstance to which I allude may better be detailed in verse, and it has something to do with my crazy girlfriend (who was my wife just last month, but then she divorced me because I'd never let her drive my car, but she got that in the settlement, so now we're dating again so I can use it whenever I can borrow the keys, as long as I fill it with gas before I bring it back), and something else to do with my not wanting to post on z'blog after a long week at work at my day job, and finally, something to do with the one who REALLY wears the pants in the family.
That....ladies and gentlemen, would be me.
Not really. It's her.
Just hurts to admit it, is all.
Back to the point - to make a long story short, she didn't want me to not post, because, after all, this is where my bread is buttered, and lord knows she could use some new bright green glittered nail polish (but who couldn't?) to match her teeth, so she was quite angry with me for saying I shan't be posting tonight. Our exchange thereafter follows, replicated in full for your viewing pleasure:
"Post to z'chicken," she said,
"Post to z'chicken, or you'll never be read."
Said I, "Better for me to just go to bed."
To which she replied, "Do that, and you're dead."
Stupid succinct Kookaburra. I hate it when she threatens my corporal state, but it does bring me to my relationship advice for the week ending July 8, 2011, and that is:
Do whatever it is that your stupid girlfriend tells you to do, else she might kill you in your sleep and then wouldn't you be sorry. (That's not a question.)
So, remember these things: don't think for yourself, date someone who is more murderous than you, and finally, complain about it on internationally read blogging sites.
Sincerely,
Your "I've had a long week and I'm tired" Chicken
PS-Whosoever hath the gumption to count how many times I used the same word beginning with a consonant, but namely the letter "q," followed closely by the letter which rhymes with the word "you," in this, the lone, final blog post for the day, that one shall be the winner of my next give-a-way! What's the prize for the give-a-way?
My wife. I mean, girlfriend.
Ex-wife. Current girlfriend.