The Beauty of Unsolicited Advice

Know what the best part is about unsolicited advice? I don't have to wait for questions!  So, for today's column, I have, right here for you, some advice that you never asked for.  Aren't I great?  Yes, yes, I know.  Oh, do go on.  I am wonderful, aren't I?  And smart?  And nice to look at?  Mmmmmm.  Oh, yes, the column!  Here you go.  Oh, now, wait just a doggone minute, someone did send me a question.

Dear chicken,


I have bed bugs.  Lots of them.  While most folks call them a scourge, I like to think of them as "my little friends."  My girlfriend, however, doesn't think it's all that cute anymore.  Actually, she never did think it was all that cute.  As a matter of fact, judging by her reaction, you'd think I had head lice or something, but, big chicken, I haven't had head lice since the third grade, when Monika Lowenbacker saw some nits glistening in the flourescent glow of our school's mercury lamps and let out a shriek that woke all of the napping fifth graders.  How do I know?  Because they all ganged up on me at recess later and kicked my butt, citing a lack of sleep for their orneriness.  (By the way, is this how to spell ornery?  It just looks weird, is all.)


I realize that I have posed several questions here, z'bc, and would like to point out that I do not wish to use up my one chance at having a question answered by a big-time columnist such as yourself, so I would ask, nay, beg of you now, big chicken, to strike those questions from your list of questions to answer, and instead, just answer me this: how can I keep my beloved and my bed bugs?  The two must not be mutually exclusive, else I shall perish of unhappiness.  I swear it, big chicken: if I can't have both, I will dwindle and die.  I shan't be without them, chicken!


Sincerely,
Young but Ornery and Unhappy

Now, listen up, YOU:

First of all, capitalize my name when you address me.  Secondly, do not send questions such as this one to me at my Unsolicited Advice Column.  Send those questions instead to my Relationship Advice Column.  (Same email address, same process, same recipient, just a little red tape and, um, just humor me on this, okay?  I don't have much in the way of power and control in my life, so my unhappiness and discontent manifest themselves in any number of pathetic attempts at control and domination of my fellow man.  Thanks, I knew you'd understand.)

As for your problem: get a life.
Your,
Chicken (note the properly capitalized form of address)

PS-You seem suicidal.  You may want to do something about that.