Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet - April 29, 2011

Hello Viewers and welcome back to the fowlest relationship advice on the planet!  Today, our letter of the week comes from a gal who just can't make her friendship fly.  Let's see if my advice can help her.

Dear Big Hunky Chicken,

First of all, I just want to say that I've been following your adventures for quite some time now, and I just want to tell you that, no matter what your stupid girlfriend says, I think that you're a real ladies' man.  Now, about my problem: the other day, a friend of mine told me how she felt about something I did, and I told her that she was stupid.  Well, she was!  Nevertheless, she got mad at me about that, and now she hasn't spoken to me for three days.  Which isn't all bad, considering it's given me time to work it a little more with the guy she's been seeing.  Incidentally, the reason she criticized my behavior in the first place was because she found out I was sleeping with him.  I don't want the friendship to end, but he's a really good lay.  What should I do?  I mean, I think she's being really selfish here!

Signed, 
Confused in the Arctic Desert

Listen up, CAD,

First of all, you need to get your biomes in order.  Then, what I would recommend is that you avoid your so-called friend at all costs.  Share and share-alike, is what I always say, and I totally agree with you that she's being selfish.  In addition, I would go so far as to say that she is inconsiderate at best, since she has the gall to criticize your needs.  Finally, I just need to say that, biomes aside, I don't understand why you're asking me for advice here, as it seems you've already pretty much got a good handle on things.  As a matter of fact, let me know if you need a job.  I think you just might fit in here, especially if you wear a bikini.

Z' corporate,
Chicken


Today's advice column is brought to you by the good folks over at the bikini warehouse, where all the cool chicks go to look hot.

Z'chicken would also like to give a special "thank you" to the Tucson Weekly staff for including a link to my fowl advice column from their blog, The Range here!

Attention Advice Seeker

A note to the 'adversary' from last Friday's advice column:  please also send previous project descriptions, along with any relevant photographs.

Thank you.

Z'very bored, indeed,
Chicken

Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet - April 22, 2011

Hello Viewers.  Welcome back to another edition of the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet.  Thanks for tuning in.

Today's letter comes from a girl who needs some direction.

Dear Zbc,


My father recently introduced me to one of his coworkers for a business opportunity, and we hit it off really well.  We all went to dinner as a group, but I got the distinct impression that this man wanted to spend some time with me alone, because we really just had a great time, laughing and making jokes and whispering to each other across the table.  It was a lot of fun for me, and for him as well.  However, his wife was also a part of the group, and the weird thing was that, throughout the evening, as her husband seemed to have more and more fun, she looked madder and madder, and at one point she kicked me under the table, and I don't think it was entirely on accident.  What was going on with that, big chicken?  I mean, just because I'm a prostitute doesn't mean that I don't have feelings, and this woman's attitude as I was trying to work just really hurt my feelings.  Anyway, I'm planning to see him this weekend, and if his wife is there when we meet for dinner and starts giving me those awful looks, or even kicks me again, what should I do?  


Signed,
All Day Virtually Everyone I Run into Says Avoid Revenge Yet

Dear ADVERSARY,

Your acronym seems appropriate.  Listen, I just gotta be up-front with you here and say that, grammar and mispellings aside, you need to lay down arms when dealing with this woman.  She may not realize how her behavior is affecting you, but, even if she does, don't take it personally.  After all, you're just doing your job, and if sleeping with her husband is what you've got to do, then, by gum, what are the other options?

On a side note, what is your schedule like this weekend?  I need a little "work" done over at my place.  No, wait a minute, crap, I'm still over at Kookaburra's.  Listen, could you send me your rate sheet and a proposal outlining the services that you provide? 

Thanks.
Your Future Best Customer, z'chicken

Abandoning Hope of Rescue

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to the Fowlest, Most Mis-Capitalized Blog on the Planet.

Today's blog post has nothing to do with relationship advice or bad counsel.  Why?  Because that's reserved for Fridays.

Today, we're taking a special in-depth look at shallowness.

So, that about does it for today.

Thanks for tuning in.

Your,
Corny Chicken

PS-I swear, when Kookaburra finally lets me out of this cyber-prison at her pad, I'm gonna make her pay for all of this.  For those of you who are new to the blog, Kookaburra is my irrational girlfriend who had the gall to ask me to practice monogamy.  But, Kookaburra, I can't even spell it, so why do you ask me for things that are so unreasonable?

That is just so typical of you!  Gaaaaaaaaaa

Then, she broke my legs and threatened to harm something else that is unmentionable although I will say one word, cloacal, so that all of you avian experts at least will know what I'm talking about.

Anyhoo, she's kept me prisoner here for ages, and the worst part is that, so far, only three of the other girls I know have been able to sneak past the guard dogs for conjugal visits.  Three!  I mean, I'm used to a dollop-a-day, if you follow me, which, as I said before, you really shouldn't, because I'm quite mad.  Although she's crazier.

I tell you what, if I don't get to get out of here in time to visit that one cute little Kakapo before she goes extinct, I'm gonna be really mad.  Of course, if the conservation efforts work out, then I would have something to really look forward to.  Did you know that their feathers smell of honey?  Something to do with an odor-exuding bacteria which inhabits them.  So you get this eight-pound, nocturnal, ground-walking parrot who smells of honey.  Yeah, sorry, Kookaburra, but who could compete with that? 

Not you, honey.  Not you.

Oh, Little Kookaburra, could you bring me some more coffee, please?  Thanks.  Oh, and sign us up for the Kakapo conservation efforts, too, while you're at it, okay?  thx.  z'chicken

More Bad Relationship Advice

Hello Viewers, welcome back to the fowlest relationship advice on the planet.  Today's letter is from a troubled little filly in Tulsa.

Dear Chicken,


My friend is mad at me and sent a text that is part hurt and part indignation.  I don't want the friendship to end, but I think she's being unreasonable.  What should I do?


Signed,
Friendship Is enough to make me Livid, Like Yelling in public (aka FILLY)

Dear Little Filly,

You sound cute.  Hey, without knowing anything about what is going on with you and your friend, I am just going to say that she is absolutely wrong.  I don't care if I don't know what the circumstances are, or that I am only hearing one small portion of your side of the issue, I can still say, with absolute certainty, that she is wayyyyyy out of line.  The circumstances notwithstanding, I would urge you to send her a text message back RIGHT NOW (don't wait until you cool down, send it now, I can't stress that part enough) telling her, not how you feel, but what a jerk she is. 

Remember, anytime you're mad, it's not about you, it's about them, and whatever stupid thing they did.  So, send her a heated text, to let her know who's really the boss, and then call me.  Maybe we can go to dinner this weekend** and you could let me know how it all turned out, because I really care*** about how you feel.

Your,
Considerate Chicken

**Could you pay?

***Lie.  Lie, lie, lie.  Lie l'lie, l'lie lie lie.  That was a lie. 

Upcoming Relationship Advice Column

Dear Viewers,

Thanks for tuning in to zbigchicken's blogspot, powered by Google Blogger. Welcome to the new readers and followers - we here at z'chicken are glad to see you.

Now, for this week's column, I have received a letter from a reader that is so disturbing, that I can't wait until Friday to post it, during our regularly-scheduled, um, schedule. So, without further ado, I give to you now, the dreadful, awful, terrible letter from the reader in - what?

What was that you said?

We have to wait until Friday?

Why?

To run it by the producers? Why do we have to do that?

I don't care if it is how it's done, I'm not doin-

Well, what do you mean, they'll dock my pay? That's ridiculous!

What do you mean, calm down? I AM CALM!

NO, I AM CALM. YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS ME BEING CALM. YES, I AM. DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP. YOU SHUT UP!

WELL, WHAT WHAT YOU DO IF THEY TOLD YOU THEY WERE GOING TO DOCK YOUR PAY? YOU WOULDN'T BE SO CALM THEN, WOULD YOU?

JUST GET OUT. OUT!!!

get. out.

Yes, I will wait until Friday.

Fine.

So, tune in Friday for more relationship advice from the chicken, here on Z'big Fancy Chicken's Ultimate Blogspot.

Your,
Big n'Hunky Chicken

xox

Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet - aka WRAP

Hello Everyone and Welcome Back to the Worst Relationship Advice on the Planet, dictated by the chicken and hereinafter referred to at times, although not solely, (unless indicated within Part B, Subsection II.a of Section 4, within the latter part of the First Addendum) as WRAP - as in, "That's a WRAP."  (It's my new catch phrase.  What do you think?)

Today's letter comes from a chick who seems distraught for absolutely no reason. Plus, I think she's crazy, but don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

Dear Big Chicken,

My fiancé, while adorable and hunky, is quite the womanizer. He is constantly sleeping with friends, enemies, my mother, etc... He keeps telling me that he can change, that he is fully capable of amazing change, he just doesn't feel like it right now. And then he tells me to stop coercing him into being faithful. He says it's a turn-off - like when people turn perfectly good ground beef into meatloaf instead of hamburgers. Then he goes on and on about hamburgers. Then he says he needs to go get a hamburger, but instead he ends up sleeping with my friend, Jennifer. I just don't know what to do. Oh, and he dresses up like a large chicken.

Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your letter.  In order to address your topics in the order of importance as I see it, I first need to tell you that you didn't actually include a question anywhere within the text of your pathetic attempt at control of your boyfriend.

That being said, I have no qualms, since I am a big, magnanimous, column-writin' chicken, about addressing your concerns as stated above.

First, I think he is absolutely right about the hamburger.

Second, I didn't realize Jennifer was available.  Sweet.

Finally, you are quite obviously an overbearing, controlling person who is probably hated within every social circle of which you are a part, and do you think that your boyfriend could help me make my chicken suit?  I didn't realize it would be so hard!

Z'Chicken.


Send your relationship questions to me at zbigchicken at gmail dot com, or don't,  and just wait for my unavoidable Unsolicited Advice.


That's right, you heard it here first: unavoidable.  Remember the times when the only certainties in life were death and taxes?  Well, welcome to the wave of the future, my fine feathered friends, 'cause I am adding Unsolicited Advice to the list of certainties.  You can thank me later, but first, could someone show me where to turn off the italics?


Thanks.  No, that wasn't it.  Ahhh, here it is...


thanks.

Winner of the Hate the Chicken Facebook Sweepstakes for March

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for, it's time to announce the BIG TIME WINNER of this month's Hate the Chicken on Facebook Sweepstakes!

Hello, Cute Bubbly Assistant!

What is that you have there? Names? In a hat? Oh, how nice! Say, CBA, would you mind pulling one of those names out? Nice and slow, now. That's right, we want to keep a little suspense here before announcing the WINNER of the Hate the Chicken Sweepstakes.

And, remember,if you want to be entered in this month's drawing for your very own Chicken T, "Like" z'chicken on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/ZBigChicken/120222578039556 , and post a comment about how you love to hate z'very big and handsome and important chicken (although you really don't have to include all of those things if you don't feel like it, but if you do, perhaps it will increase your chances of winning. What do you mean, that's cheating? Oh, alright, fine! We'll keep it legit, but I would encourage you to post comments regularly, because the more you post, the more chances to win!)

So, be a hater!

And, now, the Winner of the Big Time, Chicken Hatin' Contest on Facebook -

it's.......Tiffany C!

Thank you for playing, Tiffany, and for sharing your love with some hate! So, get ready for your very own, very stylish, Chicken T.

Right on. And congratulations.

Z'Chicken

The Beauty of Unsolicited Advice

Know what the best part is about unsolicited advice? I don't have to wait for questions!  So, for today's column, I have, right here for you, some advice that you never asked for.  Aren't I great?  Yes, yes, I know.  Oh, do go on.  I am wonderful, aren't I?  And smart?  And nice to look at?  Mmmmmm.  Oh, yes, the column!  Here you go.  Oh, now, wait just a doggone minute, someone did send me a question.

Dear chicken,


I have bed bugs.  Lots of them.  While most folks call them a scourge, I like to think of them as "my little friends."  My girlfriend, however, doesn't think it's all that cute anymore.  Actually, she never did think it was all that cute.  As a matter of fact, judging by her reaction, you'd think I had head lice or something, but, big chicken, I haven't had head lice since the third grade, when Monika Lowenbacker saw some nits glistening in the flourescent glow of our school's mercury lamps and let out a shriek that woke all of the napping fifth graders.  How do I know?  Because they all ganged up on me at recess later and kicked my butt, citing a lack of sleep for their orneriness.  (By the way, is this how to spell ornery?  It just looks weird, is all.)


I realize that I have posed several questions here, z'bc, and would like to point out that I do not wish to use up my one chance at having a question answered by a big-time columnist such as yourself, so I would ask, nay, beg of you now, big chicken, to strike those questions from your list of questions to answer, and instead, just answer me this: how can I keep my beloved and my bed bugs?  The two must not be mutually exclusive, else I shall perish of unhappiness.  I swear it, big chicken: if I can't have both, I will dwindle and die.  I shan't be without them, chicken!


Sincerely,
Young but Ornery and Unhappy

Now, listen up, YOU:

First of all, capitalize my name when you address me.  Secondly, do not send questions such as this one to me at my Unsolicited Advice Column.  Send those questions instead to my Relationship Advice Column.  (Same email address, same process, same recipient, just a little red tape and, um, just humor me on this, okay?  I don't have much in the way of power and control in my life, so my unhappiness and discontent manifest themselves in any number of pathetic attempts at control and domination of my fellow man.  Thanks, I knew you'd understand.)

As for your problem: get a life.
Your,
Chicken (note the properly capitalized form of address)

PS-You seem suicidal.  You may want to do something about that.