Hello Ladies and Wheat Germs. Big Chicken here to say (what's my line? where's the cue card? where am I? and why am I in this chicken suit? again?!)
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Hello Folks, Clucky Lucky here with a sweet deal on a used RV down at Clucky Lucky's Bottom Dollar Used Cars. How do we keep costs so "cheep?" By purchasing pieces of junk that need major repairs, and then passing the savings on to you. So, if you want a good, reliable used car, go on down the street to Bob's Reliable Used Cars, but remember, if you need a real clunker or a junker, Clucky Lucky is your man.
(we now return to our regularly scheduled program)
So far, we have received one overwhelming response from our viewers regarding the "Ask a Big Chicken" segment of our show. The emails from that viewer just keep pouring in, because she really wants to know: Do Big Chickens lick postage stamps?
The answer? Not usually. Ever since the self-adhesive ones came out, there has been a marked reduction in the number of postage stamps licked by yours truly. Which reminds me, last night I dreamt of something that I said I would do but haven't yet (involving postage stamps, which may be what prompted our good viewer to ask about this, since she does happen to be very thoughtful and always asks about my dreams and everything and usually I just have to say "I don't remember what I dreamed about" because sometimes my dreams can be very saucy in nature-hm? oh, yes, on the air)
It has been brought to the attention of The Producers of this here up-coming chick flick (seriously, if I am going to be in a chick flick, just kill me now because that would be so humiliating) have just found out that Wikipedia, that grand and glorious and free (although they sure do appreciate donations) and publicly edit-able cyber-encyclopedia contains a category entitled Fictional Chickens. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Fictional_chickens) I think you, Dear Fictional Viewer, may already see where I am going with this. No? Then I shall spell it out for you, since you so obviously and desperately need the help. It has long been my dream (for at least the last ten minutes now, ever since I saw that web-page) to be included within the write-ups for the glorious Wikipedia Category of Fictional Chickens.
To that end, I put it to you, Dear Viewer in My Head, (or "stick it to you," as it were, since you failed to send to me all of that money you never promised) to write and post a description of me, for me. Please also say that it was written by me, which reminds me of a current opening in this, my grand and glorious firm:
JOB ANNOUNCEMENT
Needed:
Chicken Ghost Writer
Immediate Openings
Great Pay (If "chicken scratch" is your thing)
Egg-stensive Benefits (If you like bugs in your oatmeal)
Duties and Responsibilities: The right Chicken Ghost Writer for this position should be cute and bubbly, steady on skates,(or not) and willing to travel. The CGW should also be handy with a pen and paper or typewriter and scanner. Computer skills a plus+,
The CGW is responsible for writing smart and funny things and making it look like it was the original work of your Big and Incredibly Handsome Chicken. Because I realize just how difficult that may be, I am willing to offer you one (count 'em, one) of those little chocolate eggs that come out in the spring and which are wrapped up in shiny bits of foil, if you do your job well. Since that is at least six months from now, you should have plenty of time to prove to me your worth.
That's the end of the show for today, folks. Stop by later, when I may offer you a good old-fashioned asterisk-kicking.
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