Anatomy Lesson

Hello and Good Morning.  This is your Big, Comment-Moderatin' Chicken here to report some downright saucy comments from one viewer who asked about another name for one part of my anatomy, that is to say my bill, or beak, or one other word that I am not going to say here out of a false sense of decency, but which starts with a "p" and ends with "_______."

On an unrelated note, the Ivory-billed Woodpecker, a North American bird species long thought to be extinct, was reportedly sighted some time back deep in the swampy bottom-land hardwood forests of the beautiful state of Arkansas. This species, like many others, requires old-growth forests for survival.  Unlike your pal, Big Chicken, who is very scared to wander around in swampy bottom-land hardwood forests where two-foot-long, thought-to-be-extinct-and-still-quite-possibly-so woodpeckers with enormous beaks or bills or "________" fly directly (that is to say, in a non-undulating manner) through the soft air, where they then land on trees and search for beetle larvae, a type of food that we all know to be not only nutritious but also deliciously satisfying.  Still, they scare me.  Not the beetle larvae (unless it's for the Palo Verde Beetle, because they are huge), but the woodpeckers.  Why?  Because they are big.  Big and strong, and quite possibly brave, too, since they tend to fly directly, unlike their nemesis** the Pileated Woodpecker (and don't ask me how to pronounce that because I don't know, though I would be happy to make something up because I am especially good at that [and plus, I am handsome]).  So, if you find yourself wandering around in swampy bottom-land hardwood forests, and some giant woodpecker approaches you, claiming to be extinct, demand some ID before you give him any money, because, for all we know, he could very well just be a Pileated Woodpecker trying to pull your cord.  Not trying to practice any stereo-typing or specie-al profiling here, it's just the truth is all.

Your "Full of It,"
Chicken***

**Gang rivalry is especially bad among the various species of North American woodpeckers.*

*That is a lie.  You should know this by now.  Since you don't, I will continue to lie to you every day.  Unless you send me the money you never promised, in which case, I will up it to twice a day.  Plus, if you agree to go out on a date with me, I will agree now to promise to you*+ at least one lie per minute.  That's right, one lie per minute.  But only if you act now.  So call now.  Dial the number on
 your screen.

*+Don't listen to anything that I promise to you, your friends, or your affiliates, because I am just not sure that I can schedule in the follow-through.  I hope that you can find it in your heart to understand the difficult situation you have put me in here.

***It has been brought to my attention by the resident advisors in my head that I should start signing my name to all of the lies I am dishing out, or "publishing."  So there, I did it.  Happy now?

J.L. Godwin