Marriage

Ahhh, morning.  You know what is the very best part of a new day?  It's that nobody remembers what was said and done yesterday (at least I don't), so all is forgiven.  Yes sir-ee.  Water under the bridge.  No hard feelings.

Well, that's the way it SHOULD be.

Wasn't like I meant to call her that, or say those things about her mother.  Alright, I did too mean to say that part because, technically, I thought about it for a moment or so beforehand and heard a whispered internal voice that said, "You really shouldn't say that," or, okay, I lied, what it actually said in a pretty loud and confident tone was, "DON'T," but then I didn't listen because that other voice said, "You know, if you do say this, then you win."  So I did, but the thing that confuses me is why she would get so mad about it or even take it personally to begin with just because it was aimed towards her prior generation's genetic material.  And plus I won, so you'd think she could at least be happy for me about that, but noooooo.  Which really just burns me up, after all we've been through.  I am not kidding, I am mad, and since I, unlike everybody else, happen to do my best thinking this way, I have since decided ("since" being just from the start of typing this here) that I'm not going to her cousin's wedding today like I promised.  Yeah, you know why?  Because weddings are dumb.  Plus, I'm mad.

Hey You!  Dashing Reader.  Stop Following Me.

So I think that this not going to the wedding thing is the perfect plan because it will probably hurt her feelings, so there I would win again, plus then I wouldn't have to spend time around her family and friends.  Haha, this is so perfect.  Why didn't I think of this before?  Actually, I'm not going to beat myself up on that one because I have been under a lot of stress lately, what with work and the arguments and all.  The constant barrage of never-ending arguments and the sporadic trickles of low-paying work.  Hm.

This is Big Chicken, on a roll.  Coming Soon to a Town Near You
So, tell your friends, and while you're at it, tell my friends too because lately, they haven't been speaking to me or returning my calls which is just rude.  Same thing I do to them, sometimes, but still.  Oh, hey, but as for traveling chicken, we (and when I say "we," I mean both of our personalities, as well as any roadies or managers who would like to quit, at least temporarily and in these hard times, the relative security of their day job to come along with with one big chicken and help spread joy o'er the land.  Joy and manure.  Which is very, very good for the flowers.  Flowers that bring more joy.  Getting back to the job announcement.)

JOB ANNOUNCEMENT
Big Chicken Seeks Work
(Wrong place?  Oh, why thank you.  I'll just move that one over here to this little bench put up as an Ode to Hemingway's Editors and Publishers--->"_______" for now**.  Temporarily.  Okay.)

High-Powered Work in the Poultry Industry
Are you funny?  Do you like to travel without the cumbersome burden of job security?  Are you ready to fore-go that steady paycheck?  Are you fiscally more responsible than I?  If you said "Yes," to any or none of these questions, then get ready for the ride of a lifetime.

Position:  Chicken Handler
Pay: DOE (that is, Dependent On Egg-sperience), and however much dough you can bring, or "rake" in.  Which does mean that you are paying for yourself really.  But don't yell at me, because there comes a time in your life when you become responsible for your own destiny.  That time is now.  So in this position that I am generously offering to you, today, you pay yourself.  And handsomely, I might add.  Why?  Because we need the dough.  Listen, I already told you that once, is it always going to be this difficult to work with you?  Hang on a minute, I just remembered something that I said I would do and didn't.  So, I just need to pause here and feel bad about it for a second...okay, it passed.

The cravings.  They do pass.  But it sure does suck in the meantime.  Where was I?  And why was I in a chicken suit?  Again?

Oh.  Job opening.

JOB OPENING
Big Roller-Skating Chicken Seeks Partner
Someone adventurous, smart, good-looking, and funny (I just cannot stress that last one enough) to hit the road and help to spread joy and fertilizer o'er the land.

Awareness of Synchronicity a plus+, but direct egg-sperience not required.  On-the-job-training provided by kind, loving, generous, supportive universe.

But hurry!  This job won't last long.  Already the phones are ringing off the hooks, (which would be great except it's just the restaurant here at the coffee shop and really I wish they'd try to keep it down because I am trying to work here).  And remember, this job offer is for no guaruntee of money (could someone spell that "g" word for me, please?), which is scary.  True.  But, who's got the time or energy to go get a job that actually pays money when they're busy feeling scared and insecure in those odd moments between lurking in the corner and watching some TV?

(this is a reminder from the Big Chicken)
Ladies and wheat germs, eatcher breakfast.

(we now return to our regularly scheduled program)
That doesn't sound like a job description, that sounds more like a....

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

Honey, we've been together for a long time now and I've been thinking.  Our student loans are almost paid off and your last one is just about to graduate from college, so we don't have to pretend like we don't live together anymore just so he can continue to receive that financial need based scholarship, and my new health insurance premium might actually be slightly less crippling if we have more people on the policy, plus I think with our combined earnings as low as they are we might still fit into that one tax bracket which doesn't exist that doesn't penalize partners, plus with the discount we could receive as a couple on our car insurance, I just really want to know, Darling, would you marry me?

-No.

Big Silent Roller Skating Chicken, coming soon to a town near you.

Darling, why won't you marry me?  Is it your fear of commitment?  Is it my long-running string of one-night stands?  Honey, I can change!  I can change.  I promise I can.  But I won't.  However, I will promise to say to you here today that I'll do whatever it is that you want.  Because I think that we both know by now that I am never going to stay true to that one promise anyway, so let's just lower the bar and make it more of an "attainable goal."  Speaking of which, this just in-

Regarding Employment With the Chicken
No nepotism.  None.  We won't tolerate that here.  No sir-ee.  There will be none of that here.  After all, the last thing that you want to do when you're fighting tooth and nail to get along  in the world is take care of the people you love the most (that would be your family, we hope) by providing them with jobs.  Even if they aren't qualified.  That's right, we prefer to elevate to the proper levels of incompetency from the outside only.  Look, this all gets confusing.  Tell you what, why don't we take a look down here and see what the asterisk has to say today.*

Now, having said all of this, and duly prefaced it with all of that, if you follow-  Do you follow?  Good, maybe you could be so kind as to tell me where it is that I am.  As well as why I am wearing this chicken suit.  And on a completely unrelated note, wouldn't it be kind of neat to remember what one had been doing the night before?  Or said.  To make her so angry, man was she a bear this morning.  And everybody knows that bears and chickens, they don't mix well, because one eats the other alive, and we just won't think about that now, here at the start of this fresh new day, fresh as a new-laid egg.

Again, this is your big chicken on skates, and that's poultry, on a roll.

zbigchicken at gmail dot com that's with a z before the b because it gives it added flair!


**There, I did it again.  Double asterisk first.  Double asterisk preceding the single asterisk yet again today and I do it every day and then you fall for it and that comes back to define me as what?  That's right, both brilliant and dashing.  I must admit.  Hey, what's this  "-ing"  Dashing!  Get it?  "Dash" ing, dash ---> "-" plus "ing"  Courtesy chuckle?  No?  Fine.  Stick with the chicken jokes?  Oh, you prefer fowl humor?  I suspected as much about you.  Oooo, BTW, did you get the reference about the Ode to Hemingway's Editors and Publishers up there?  I made that up you know.  But I have hidden it elsewhere in this blog and I shall leave it to you to find it, because, as I have said to you before, I absolutely refuse to do your work for you, because after all, that is what you are paying yourself for.

*NOTHING!  Oh, snap!  Got you on that one.  You always fall for that one.  Tell you what, come back tomorrow, maybe I won't do the EXACT SAME THING TO YOU AGAIN.