A Dream Come True

Guess what, Everyone?  You know how I had this dream to dress up in a large chicken suit and rollerskate around the country to try to get people to laugh and all of that stuff, and then I wrote this blog, and started a Facebook page, and a Twitter account and started making very, very, very witty jokes and quips and so forth and then started asking people for money to fund my endeavor?  (Actually, I think I started asking for money before I started the blog...)  Anyway, well, guess what?!!!

I subcontracted it out! 

Yeah, my assistant, (who should probably be an employee, according to the IRS regulations about determining whether a person who does work is a 1099 contractor or really an employee of the firm) has agreed to go do this for me!

I am just totally psyched out about this.  I can't even begin to tell you how happy it makes me to have a dream come true like this, and the best part is is that I won't even have to do the work!  How about them apples, huh?  I actually got some schmoe, I mean, my "lovely" assistant to go do it for me.  What a sucker!  I mean, what a dedicated, loyal employee, I mean contractor (did you get that, IRS?  I'm talking to you, yeah, you, with your big fancy offices and your absolute power to instill fear in the hearts of all of the good, hard-working people who have to pay taxes every year so that fat-cat bureaucrats can do things like build roads, and support public education programs, and maintain diplomatic relationships with foreign countries, and, uh, hmmmm, where was I going with this?  No matter, moving on...)

I'll keep you posted, but I just have to say that, in regards to the chicken suit...better her than me.

Your egg-static,
Chicken

Helping People

It was brought to my attention sometime back that perhaps I should spend more time helping people.  I guess that must have been five, maybe six, no, probably seven or eight years ago by now.  Anyway, the time frame doesn't matter as much as the fact that I am finally considering doing that.  I mean, one of the things that I did notice was that it seemed like the guys who helped people got the chicks.  Not saying that I wouldn't help people out otherwise (I think my track record speaks for itself on this one), just that it seems like having pretty girls fawn all over me and tell me how sweet and nice I am for helping other people could be a big bonus.  Actually, that one thing alone could make all of this helping people crap actually worthwhile.  You know, I'm beginning to see now why people become philanderers, I mean, philanthropists...because it pays.

So, although I used to think that spending my precious time helping other people was a major waste of time, I think I've had a change of heart.  (Please feel free to broadcast this heartfelt message to any and all of the cute, attractive, young college-aged ladies that you know.)

Your Newly Philanthropic (unless it means giving actual money),*
Chicken



*I mean it.

The Return of the Cyber Chicken

Today I wax poetic in an attempt to avoid duties at my day job.  You're welcome.

biting at the computer
cyber-charged hands flinging thoughts through keyboard to screen
once a mere fantasy
the day of global communication and interchange is here
at once enlightening, ennobling, and yet humbling
as awareness of millions of other electronically communicating creatures
enters my conscious mind
control
alt
delete

Another Lame-O Excuse - This Time for Real Though

You all may have noticed my greater-in-duration-than-usual absence from the blog here, and I must, for once, be honest.  Here's the deal.  I want to skate across the nation in a chicken suit, but I'm too scared to actually go out and ask people for all of the money it's going to take to fund my endeavor, so instead, I started a company doing what I already know how to do in my day-job, and it's been cutting into my writin' time.

However, rest assured, my good friends, that this little hiccup on the writing front is really in our best interest, because now I'm going to make a bazillion bucks doing this other stuff and then fund this here chicken-skate project , and then you'll all laugh your heads off as a result.

Thanks for your patience, and please feel free to poke around the blog in the meanwhile and catch up on all of the fowl offerings within.

I will, of course, be checking email and the comments on a semi-regular basis.  (How's that for non-committal?)

Yer professional,
Chicken

Another Stirring Campaign Speech from Your Chicken

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....guess I'd better do some campaignin'...

Friends! Chickens!

It has been a week since I spoke to you last about the importance of believing my lies.  What is of the utmost importance (to me) is that you believe my lies more than you believe my competitor's lies.  I really can't stress this enough.  In fact, this statement is so deep, so meaningful, so profound, that I will now rest my poor tired little hands and give you all a week or so to soak this in. 

Your politically quite lazy,
Chicken 

Presidential Chicken Speech - 2012

Friends, Chickens,

I need your support.  Our nation is facing difficult times (could I get an intern in here?).

Taxes are too high!

(Where's that intern?)

The gap between the rich and the poor is growing.

(Oh, hey bab-, I mean "intern."  Could you grab me, I mean, us, some dinner?  Thanks.  No, I don't care....anything is fine.  Yep..thanks.  Gotta go, speakin' to the nation here.  Where was I?  Oh, that's right-)

Taxes are too high!

The gap between the rich and the poor is growing, at an alarming rate!  But I, my fellow, hard-working Americans, have a plan and a promise to you that I have no intention to keep.  That's right, folks, I am here to say to you now that I am going to solve these difficult problems by sending you tax refunds.  All of it.  Every penny you paid in, I will have my staff send back to you.*

*Is it okay to lie about what I'm planning to do in office?  Do people generally put footnotes within the text?  Where's my intern?

Remember!  Vote for me!

The very big C

(and bring me some dinner...)

A Very Important Message from our Chicken

Hello Everyone, and welcome back to my blog.  It's been a while since I've corresponded, and I think that it's time that you all find out why.  Friends, Enemigos, Mom, I'd like to announce here, today, my intention to run for President of the United States of America.  That's right, president.  Of the United States.  Of America.

As you can imagine, my decision to nominate myself for this very important position has necessitated great secrecy on my part, so much so that my girlfriend doesn't even know where I'm going half the time, or when I'll be back, or who I'll be with while I'm gone.  It's been very trying for her, to say the least, but she's a trusting gal, and bless her heart, she's been willing to sleep alone a few times in the interest of national security and for the good of the country.  I simply can't thank her enough for all of the sacrifices she's made for me and I promise that one day, ONE DAY, I will help that girl do some of the dishes.  Maybe.

Until that day arrives, my fiends, I mean friends, I will pursue this candidacy like the truly great chicken that I am.  So, if you are tired of highly educated people with strong political connections making all of the decisions around here while nobody you know is votin' the way you want them to, then join me, and my flock of peeps, as we spread joy, nonsense, and possibly a little manure (for mulch) throughout this, Our Great Land.

Thank you.  And remember to vote.  For me.  Do you think that's a good slogan?  We could make it like:

"Vote!  For me, the very big C."

I like it.  It's catchy.

You're Presidential,
Chicken