Job Interview

A note to my readers and soft, plucky feathered friends:

Interviewed for a job at the call center today.  Was going to start out entry-level position, handling calls from irate customers.

Turns out, they wanted someone who could speak, which I can't, and I only put that (excellent verbal communication skills) on my resume (see prior post) because it looked good, not because I could actually do it.

But still, my point is that they should have at least given me a chance, and I really don't understand why she got all bent out of shape over such a teensy oversight, well ,a lie, to be specific (call a spade a spade, right?), on my part, especially since I went through all of the trouble to get dressed and go over there.  The nerve.

It's just really disappointing, is what it is, and do you know what?  Whenever I get my lights cut back on again, I am not, repeat, not going to use that company for electric service ever again, not when they couldn't even give a me a second chance in that first job interview.

Response To Spammer - Excuse for Not Posting Number One

Dear Ladies, Gentleman, and Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person:

You may recall my recent correspondence (from earlier today) when I advised you that I would, in fact, be sending to you a transcript of the very important communication (one-sided though it was) between me, the Big Chicken, and the spammer who tried to get me to click on an unsafe link by sending me a fake offer of work after I posted my very impressive resume on a certain website that is known across this great land as a wonderful, fair, and free place to post messages, and items for sale, and all sorts of wonderful, wonderful things.  I cannot thank that website enough, and feel that it is my duty here to tell you that.

Now, having prefaced these remarks with those, I would first like to thank you for taking the time out of your undoubtedly busy schedule to read this, the second correspondence that I have written to you today. 

Finally, I would like to let you know that the reason that I am writing to you now is to let you know that I have not yet posted the transcript of the response I sent to the aforementioned spammer because I cannot seem to have any success with copying and pasting text into the posting section of this blog, therefore I must type the entries, making quite a bit of work for myself, considering how frightfully long-winded  I can be.

So, in closing, once again, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to read this and assure you that I will most certainly send to you the transcript of the response that I sent to that scammer who tried to send me to a very bad and lurking website, as I said that I would do it and truly, I am a chicken of my word.

I thank you and hope that your families are all well.  Please give them my very best,
Your
Big Chicken

Regarding the One Resounding Response

Ladies,  Gentlemen, Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person:

I am writing this letter to inform you that I must retract the statement I made in an earlier letter to you in which I was quoted (by myself) as saying that, regarding my expressed desire to dress up like a big chicken and roller skate around the nation, as saying that I had already received, in addition to the overwhelming support of my family and friends, one entire resounding response.

Sadly, Ladies, Gentlemen, and Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person (or LGCECHSRP for short), it is with some sadness that I tell you today that that one response was from a scammer.  Yes, they do, in fact, exist.  And furthermore, LGCECHSRP (or Ladies, Gentlemen, and Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person, for those of you who did not see the prior explanatory portion regarding the acronym, just to eliminate any confusion here), these scammers, why, they are most certainly and positively at large.  I have also been advised that they will stop at nothing to send fake email solicitations to unsuspecting chickens and other staid and stable members of the public everywhere.

Why am I telling you this, Ladies, Gentlemen, and Corporate Entities Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person?  (Crap, forgot to use the acronym, start over.)

Why am I telling you this, LGCECHSRP?  First of all, I am telling you this because I am an honest chicken,  a chicken who is proud of his poultry heritage, but, mostly, LGCECHSRP, I am telling you this because, well, as you may remember from when I mentioned it to you before, I am out of work, and I do happen to have a lot of time on my hands wings, time enough to think through things of this nature, decide that they are important enough to write to you about, and then actually follow through with the letter.  (And my old boss said I was no good with follow-through, heh heh, if that jerk could see me now.)

I assure you, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Ju-, I mean, LGCECHSRP, that I will not allow this person, this scammer, as it were, whether it was in fact a person or whether it was simply coding from some malicious device, to go un-responded to.  To that end, I have already posted my reply to their fowl mockery of me, the chicken, and will cc you on that correspondence as well.

Yours as ever, through good times as well as during the bad,
The Very Big and Very Zesty Chick Magnet

Addendum to An Open Letter to Prospective Employers

Dear Ma'am, Sir, or Corporate Entity Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person:


You may recall that recently I sent you a letter asking you to please give me some work.  I would like this letter to serve as notice to you that the solicitation has now been revised to read as follows:


Whereas, in the previous letter of solicitation, part six (that is to say, the two brief sentences towards the end that, should one or more sentences be added to those sentences, the entire part could be construed as a paragraph, but for the purposes of this paragraph, namely, the one you are reading now, "you" being the entity that is reading, "paragraph" being the part that is being read, unless it has less than three sentences, in which case it should be considered simply as "part" six, rather than "paragraph" six, unless it specifically has more sentences than it had before, refer to the prior sentence fragments, a.k.a. "clauses").

Regarding part six (refer to prior parenthetical exposition, "parenthetical" being the groups of words included within the parenthesis, namely, these "( )," but without the comma or the quotation marks, and "exposition" in this case, but not always, meaning simply "a group of words," so the "group of words" within the "parenthesis" above,

Regarding part six of the prior letter I sent to you, distinguished colleagues, I mean, prospective employers, please consider this to be notice that the solicitation has been revised to read as follows: "please give me job security, a steady, fat paycheck, and benefits, in exchange for my daily presence on your premises.  Thank you."

Again, thank you for your time and consideration.
Ever and Always,
Your Big Chicken

An Open Letter to Prospective Employers

Dear Ma'am, Sir, or Corporate Entity Considered to Have the Same Rights as a Person:

My name is the Big Chicken and, as you have probably gathered from reading my blog, I am currently unemployed, without benefits.  I am writing to you because I want to let you know that I have egg-stensive experience in the poultry industry.  That embarrassment aside (nothing against the poultry industry and its undoubtedly staid and stable workers, I just always thought that I would be doing more with my life than impregnating hens all day)  Wait, did I say that in an employment letter?  You guys think I ought to strike that part?  Ok, here it is, the revised sentence-

Nothing against the staid and stable workers of our great nation's poultry industry, I just have bigger dreams than impregnating hens all day.  (There, that's better.  It was the poor punctuation that really bothered me.  you, too?  I know!  Moving on...)

It is my wish to dress for you like the Big Chicken I am, roller skate around the nation, and make a film about it.  I have begun to express my desire from various electronic platforms, and already have one resounding response. Well, aside from my family and friends, many of whom still support me, even after learning what it is I plan to do.

I am writing to you now to apologize for my apparently offensive and insensitive Craigslist post from the other night.  Again, I am sorry for what I said, and I hope that you all can find it within your black and shriveled   kind and generous hearts to forgive me.

Again, and I just cannot stress this enough, I do not currently have any affiliation with the incorporated municipality, (i.e. "the town") of a similar name in a far northern state.  Oh, sure, I asked them, but so far, they ain't frontin', so I'm left here trying to procure some funding on my very own.

Please give me some work.  Thank you.

The Big Chicken

Resume - Transcript

The Big Chicken
Second Roost from the End
Farmer Bob's Place


Big, svelte, roller-skating chicken.  Chick magnet.

History, loooong history in food service.  More recent history in environmental consulting, often confused with the "canary in the coalmine," but much, much larger.  Especially adept at wiping out on pavement.  Funny.  Willing to dress like a large chicken and travel, what more do you want? !  Smoker, but planning to quit (That's really more of a habit than a skill, think I should put that in a resume?  Would 'blowing smoke-rings' constitute a skill?  Ah, I know I should quit, I really do, it's just that, they're like my best friend, you know?  How am I ever going to stop...)
Skills and Qualifications
Strong verbal and written communication skills.  Not bad for a chicken, eh?
Domestic Experience:
Long held post as "Cock of the Walk" at Farmer Bob's. 1989 through the Present
Education:
Initial imprinting from the big red hen (I sure do miss her.  Life seemed to much simpler then, you know?  Follow my mom, stay away from the chopping block, and watch out for hawks, the occasional fox, or wayward dog.  Now it's all about the bling and guarding my resources.  It makes me so tired!  I just want to return to that simpler time.  Maybe research my roots, learn about my family history.  Spend more time checking out the chicks and less time fighting with the blood-sucking ticks, you know what I'm saying?  Who's with me?!)
Further trained by the big, white, stuttering rooster on Saturday-morning cartoons
Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts, 2012

Resume

RE:  Advertised Position of Traveling Chicken

To Whom It May Concern:
I am sending this letter in response to your solicitation for a human dressed up like a chicken who is willing to roller skate across the United States and make a movie about it.  Attached please find a copy of my current resume.  I think you will see that I have not only the necessary skills and qualifications that make me the ideal candidate for this position, but the kind of background that will enable me to take over your position within one year.  Possibly two.  That being said, I would be happy to work for and with you, and look forward to hearing from you.  I have absolute confidence that I will be a great pain in the asset to your organization.

Yours in earnest,
The Big Chicken
(resume transcript follows)